Monday, August 3, 2009

I Went to Michigan, and All I Got Was … uh, a Really Great Time, Actually

Hey everybody! We’re back from vacation, and ready to roll out the next two weeks with our usual fun and joie de vivre. (Literally: joy of vivre.) Many, many thanks to Cindee, Michele, Rachel, and Fed, who (whom?) ably and hilariously covered for us while we were gone.

In lieu of today’s recipe (which was a bit pre-empted by a long flight back to LaGuardia), I’d like to present “Food Things I Learned on Vacation: a Compendium of Thoughts in Lieu of Today’s Recipe.” Such as:

1) I am chronically unable to eat popcorn without dropping at least three pieces down the front of my bra. Subseqently, at any given time, my bosom is 34% Orville Redenbacher.

2) One-year-olds will eat anything, up to and including coasters. Then they will work it off by climbing a staircase 260 times.

3) I am apparently delicious, as all the mosquitoes in Michigan can attest to.

4) Ohio sweet corn really is better.

5) If you don’t have a good acid dealer nearby, alternating sparkling white wine and DayQuil will do the trick. Bizarrely, it will also make you much better at cards.

6) It is scientifically impossible to eat healthy on vacation. I gained 17 pounds from roasted cashews alone. Sorry, science.

7) I find Hunts tomato products generally terrible. They taste like metal and melancholy. But onions and ¾ cups of olive oil will make anything edible.

8) Given a choice between lovingly grown and perfectly cooked fresh vegetables or a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, I will choose Kraft Macaroni and Cheese nine out of ten times. The same goes for my three-year-old soon-to-be-nephew, who also enjoys Wall-E, ducks, and a good round of Drop the Pen in the Hole.

9) Bud Light Lime – not bad!

10) Minnesota is not the land of 1000 lakes. Michigan is. Still, I would alter the designation slightly from “Land of 1000 Lakes” to “Land of 1000 Lakes, All of Which Are Named Bear Lake.”

11) When you are away on vacation, your doctor/health insurance company will charge you twice for the same procedure you had done two months ago – one they shouldn’t have charged you for at all in the first place. Coming home to the bill will be delightful.

12) When you work in a city of thin, nervous white women, you forget what people look like on the outside. Size 10s, represent!

13) The line of the week belonged a ten-year-old cousin, who upon discovering he didn’t pack underwear, matter-of-factly proclaimed: “Well, I guess I’ll just have to go commando.”

And that’s it! Tune in tomorrow for an extra-long edition of Megalinks, and then the rest of the week for … uh, other stuff. It’ll be grand!

(Photo courtesy of Digital Topo Maps.)

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