Cheap Healthy Good

Why Weight Maintenance is Harder Than Weight Loss, and How to Help it Along

2012-01-18T07:49:00.000-08:00

This was originally published in July 2009.

An estimated 80% to 95% of people who lose a significant amount of weight will gain it back. It sounds high, yes, but I believe it. This is because I’m slowly becoming one of those people.

Full disclosure: about four years ago, I dropped 30 pounds to get to a (too) low weight of 132. Between then and now, my scale readout has slowly crept up to about 153 pounds.

On one hand, I think I would have gained the weight back much faster had it not been for this blog. Undoubtedly, it’s helped my eating habits change for the better. I drink water, cook at home, scarf lots of produce, and avoid processed foods like it’s my job. My heart, lungs, and various other organs are in excellent shape, and my sister gets thoroughly annoyed that we can’t eat a meal without me adding some kind of crazy vinegar or seasoning. So there’s that.

On the other hand … I’ve put on 20 pounds in four years. I’m not in crisis mode (yet), but what the heck?

I know my faults. There are ongoing issues with portion control and dining out, and my reliance on cheese has grown from an occasional treat to an everyday occurrence. I just didn’t expect those factors to make this much of an impact on the circumference of my backside.

But, as the opening statistic demonstrates, I’m far from alone. Maintaining a weight loss is difficult for everyone. In fact, I would say it’s even harder than losing the weight in the first place. Why? Well, once you’ve dropped the pounds – once you’re no longer getting measurable results on the scale, and weight loss morphs from a happy goal to a ho-hum product of the past – things change. Over time, enthusiasm fades, behaviors slack, and long-ignored temptations are indulged with abandon.

In other words, eating salad for 40 days is easy. Eating salad for 40 years is hard.

Enter the National Weight Control Registry. Comprised of PhDs, MDs, and other experts in the health and obesity field, it monitors the habits of thousands of people who have lost at least 30 pounds, and have kept it off for a minimum of one year. (The average is 66 pounds over 5-1/2 years.) Workers conduct studies, publish journal articles, and are widely considered The Authority on diet and weight maintenance. And while they don’t claim to have concrete guidelines that will keep the pounds permanently off for everyone, they have discovered a few actions common among successful maintainers. (Note that these findings imply correlation, and not necessarily causation.)

In order of popularity, they are:

1) Exercise, on average, about one hour per day.
90% of successful maintainers do this.
Far and away the most common factor for weight maintenance among respondents, exercise prevents you from binging, draws you away from the television set, and … y’know, does all the good things it’s supposed to. Movement must be for life, not as part of a temporary diet plan.

2) Eat breakfast every day.
78% of successful maintainers do this.
The researchers gave three reasons for this: “First, eating breakfast may reduce the hunger seen later in the day that may in turn lead to overeating…Second, breakfast eaters may choose less energy-dense foods during the remainder of the day. Finally, nutrients consumed at breakfast may leave the subject with a better ability to perform physical activity.” Of the 2959 successful maintainers in a 2002 NWCR study, only 4% never ate breakfast.

3) Weigh yourself at least once a week.
75% of successful maintainers do this.
The NWCR calls this “consistent self-monitoring,” and claims it allows maintainers to, “catch weight gains before they escalate and make behavior changes to prevent additional weight gain.” I have not weighed myself in over a year. This explains a lot.

4) Watch less than 10 hours of TV per week.
62% of successful maintainers do this.
In a 2003 study, the American Heart Association found a strong correlation between the amount of TV one watches, the amount of fast food ingested, and the propensity for obesity. Turning the boob tube off can help sidestep this, as it allows for more activity and less mindless grazing. (Personally, I believe this point is incredibly important for kids, since they develop habits in childhood that they’ll have for the rest of their lives. Subsequently, I’d lump video games and computer time in the same category.)

The good news is, the longer you maintain your weight, the more likely you are to keep it up in the future. So, adopting these behaviors can only help. I would also suggest that beginning the whole process with long-term intentions (“This is not a diet. This is a lifestyle change.”) makes all the difference in the world.

As for me, I have to drop some pounds again. Then, I need to concentrate on maintaining it for the rest of my life. It's gonna be tough, but I feel a responsibility to readers, the Husband-Elect, our future kids, and myself to do so. Fingers crossed, these strategies will help.

Readers, how about you? What’s been your experience with maintaining weight loss?

(Photos courtesy of the University of Maryland and Documenting Success.)

Dijon-Roasted Potatoes PLUS Sweet Potato and Chickpea Puree: Two Recipes for the Price of One

2012-01-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

This was originally published in January 2010.

When it comes to white starches like pasta, rice, bread, and potatoes, I’m a bit like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I’ll hoard it, possibly kill for it, and occasionally beat up Elijah Wood just to be in its vicinity. Somewhere, I like to think there exists a 60-minute VHS tape of me scurrying away from the buffet table at a family event. I’m cradling plates of spaghetti to my bosom, angrily hissing “The pasta is THE PRECIOUS!” over and over until I’m disowned.

But … what was I talking about? Oh yeah – starches. I like ‘em. Maybe too much. Subsequently, I’m attempting to A) cut back, and B) be more creative with what I do make. I have a feeling this will involve a lot of bizarre grains and unorthodox purees, but this is okay. After all, what is Brooklyn, if not home for the bizarre and unorthodox? (He agrees.)

Today, both recipes - Dijon-Roasted Potatoes and Sweet Potato and Chickpea Puree – are excellent departures from the norm. The first dish, adapted from Weight Watchers, is a sophisticated alternative to plain ol’ oven fries and baked spuds. The recipe asks you to coat small red potatoes in a tangy, savory marinade, and then roast them to tender-on-the-inside, crispy-on-the-outside perfection. The result goes beautifully with frittatas or lean meats, and can be served with barbecue sauce or ketchup. Gollum would approve.

The second recipe comes from O Magazine, which I adore, despite being a childless, apartment-dwelling cynic. (Harrumph!) Many people accuse Oprah of many terrible things (like thoughtful discussion and creative empowerment), but the woman can produce a dang magazine. It’s nice to read a lady-oriented publication that doesn’t begin with the assumption we’re morons.

Tangent aside, the Sweet Potato and Chickpea Puree is sweet and savory, and another solid pairing for lean meat and produce. A little tahini could even turn it into more of a hummus-esque concoction, so go nuts with the experimentation.

(To know: the original recipe called for 1/2 cup of olive oil, which seemed Smeagol-level insane. So, using a trick from a pesto recipe, I subbed out half the olive oil for fat-free chicken broth. For comparison, I made the full-fat version as well. The Husband-Elect and I both agreed: the chicken broth adaptation was far superior. Sweet.)

That said, how’s everyone doing with resolutions so far? Any fun ideas for white starch substitutions? I’d love to hear, and the comment section is THE PRECIOUS. Er … I mean “open.”

~~~
If you like these recipes, you might also like:

~~~

Dijon-Roasted Potatoes
Serves 3 or 4
Adapted from Weight Watchers.

2 tablespoons Dijon mustard (like Grey Poupon)
1 teaspoon olive oil
3/4 teaspoon sweet paprika
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme, crushed in your hands
1/2 teaspoon table salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1-1/2 pounds small (3-inch) red potatoes, cut into eighths

1) Preheat oven to 425°F. Line a baking sheet with tin foil and spray with cooking spray.

2) In a large bowl, whisk mustard, olive oil, paprika, thyme, salt, and pepper together. Add potatoes and stir until well-coated. Spread across baking sheet in a single layer. Roast 15 minutes. Remove and stir. Drop oven heat to 350°F. Roast for 20-25 more minutes, or until potatoes are cooked through. Serve.

NOTE: The Dijon is pretty subtle here. You can double the coating if you want a more assertive flavor.
~~~

Sweet Potato and Chickpea Puree
Serves 6-8 (makes around 2 cups).
Adapted from Oprah Magazine.

1 medium sweet potato (about 14 ounces), scrubbed
1 can (15 ounces) chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1 small clove garlic
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup fat-free chicken broth
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Hot sauce (optional)

1) Preheat oven to 425°F.

2) Prick sweet potato all over with a fork. Roast about 45 to 50 minutes, or until potato can be easily run through with a knife. Set aside to cool. Once cool enough to handle, remove flesh from skin. (It should slip right out.)

3) In a food processor, combine chickpeas, garlic, salt, sweet potato, and a little chicken broth. Get it going, and slowly add olive oil as it’s running. When olive oil runs out, slowly add the rest of the chicken broth.

4) Pour into a bowl. Salt and pepper to taste, and add a little hot sauce if you’re in the mood.

According to O Magazine: “Store any leftovers in the refrigerator, and when ready to serve again, bring puree to room temperature and thin with extra olive oil."

~~~

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber and Price for Potatoes
141 calories, 1.4 g fat, 3.1 g fiber, $0.71

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber and Price for Puree
221 calories, 9.9 g fat, 5.1 g fiber, $0.33

Calculations (Potatoes)
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard (like Grey Poupon): 30 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.27
1 teaspoon olive oil: 39 calories, 4.5 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.12
3/4 teaspoon sweet paprika: 4 calories, 0.2 g fat, 0.6 g fiber, $0.03
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme, crushed in your hands: 1 calorie, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber, $0.03
1/2 teaspoon table salt: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
1-1/2 pounds small (3-inch) red potatoes: 490 calories, 0.7 g fat, 11.6 g fiber, $2.35
TOTAL: 564 calories, 5.4 g fat, 12.3 g fiber, $2.82
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 141 calories, 1.4 g fat, 3.1 g fiber, $0.71

Calculations (Puree)
1 medium sweet potato (about 14 ounces): 341 calories, 0.4 g fat, 11.9 g fiber, $0.69
1 can (15 ounces) chickpeas, drained: 500 calories, 4.6 g fat, 18.5 g fiber, $0.66
1 small clove garlic: 4 calories, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber, $0.05
1 teaspoon salt: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
1/4 cup fat-free chicken broth: 4 calories, 0.3 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.10
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil: 477 calories, 54 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.46
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.03
TOTAL: 1326 calories, 59.3 g fat, 30.5 g fiber, $2.00
PER SERVING (TOTAL/6): 221 calories, 9.9 g fat, 5.1 g fiber, $0.33

Vintage Cookbook Hoedown: The Quick Cookbook (1961) by Lois S. Kellogg

2012-01-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

This article first appeared in February 2010.

A few months ago, I fell into possession of The Quick Cook Book by Lois S. Kellogg, a 1961 paperback filled with hundreds of convenient and occasionally jaw-dropping recipes.

There are Mayonnaise Mounds. There are Corned Beef Cobblers. There's even Prune Whip. And I'm pretty sure we can trace America's obesity problems directly to the Canned Chicken section.

To be fair to Lois, she seems to specialize in baking. The cake and cookie recipes look tasty and are mostly made from scratch. Some aren't, but ... we'll get to that later.

First, let's pretend we're hosting a party on Mad Men. And what better way to kick off a soiree than Cholives?

Of course, if you're not fond of olive and cheddar finger foods, deep-fried whole chicken sandwiches make an excellent light appetizer.

The meal really begins with soup. Tomatoes and pineapples are delicious, inexpensive, and come in cans. They should be lovely together.

Side dishes are vital to the success of any meal. I like to make a lot of them, since they're less expensive than meat.

I'd love to serve macaroni and cheese, but I find the garish yellow hue too distressing. How do I cope?

Of course, the most distressing part of hosting a party is that I never know what to serve for the main course. Jellied Meat Loaf? Corned Beef Corn Ring? Ham Wheel Pie? Corned Beef Cobbler? So many options, and all on the same page...

I know! We'll do breakfast for dinner! With a twist!

It's important to end the meal with a wholesome, appealing dessert. Since I believe halitosis is a myth, (like morally upright socialists), this should fit the bill!

You know, Onion Ice Cream is definitely going on the menu, but Bob really prefers treats that keep him regular. Maybe this would please him?

As for my son ... be careful, Danny. This peach pie is "Different" from all the other peach pies. You're such a good student. Don't let it ruin your future.

And to cap it all off, coffee. But drinking it just seems so ... pedestrian. Isn't there a better way to get that caffeine fix?

Mmm ... delicious. I bet the Jell-O company will pay me at least one hundred dollars for this recipe.

Cheers, everyone!

~~~
If you like this article, you might also like:

(All photos from The Quick Cook Book by Lois S. Kellogg)

Tomato and Avocado Salsa: A Basic Salsa Recipe of Deliciousness

2012-01-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

This post first appeared in January 2010. (Um, you can probably tell by the first line.)

It’s the second full week of 2010. By now, you may be ten or eleven days into a resolution diet. You’re probably feeling really good about your progress. Chances are you lost a little weight. There’s a possibility you noticed a physical change already. You might even be thinking (and justifiably so): “I am the greatest person alive! Besides Eddie Vedder, I mean.”

Sadly, this may also have crossed your mind: “If eat one more salad, I’m going to set my face on fire.”

Sweet baby Jane, I hear you. When I began to change my eating habits, salads made up a big chunk of my diet. Office lunches were never-ending parades of the Caesar varietals (with light dressing, natch), and I got real tired, real fast of baby spinach. Then, I learned to cook and life got exponentially better. (Exponentially! That’s a lot.)

Anyway, once I started puttering around the kitchen, I realized the following:

lean meat + sauces, spreads, dips, salsas or dressings = excellence

With a creative topping, you can turn five ounces of pedestrian grilled chicken into a succulent celebration, a flavoral fooferaw, or even a scrumptious shindig. (Or any other gratuitously alliterative party.) Think of the meat as your canvas, and the accompaniment as your pretty rainbow paint of rainbows.

Take Gail Simmons’ Tomato and Avocado Salsa from Food & Wine, for example. You can use it as a dip for chips or veggies, sure. (The Super Bowl’s coming up, after all.) But on plain poultry, it becomes something else entirely: a tasty, filling, healthy dinner. Like almost all salsas, the recipe is staggeringly easy to make and constitutes a solid serving of vegetables. For $1 and 100 extra calories, that ain’t too shabby.

This week, when you’re choking down another round of Romaine, stop. Grab an avocado and a few grape tomatoes, grill a slice of chicken, and treat yourself to Tomato and Avocado Salsa. It’ll make the next few months a lot easier to stomach.

~~~
If you like this recipe, you might also dig:

~~~

Tomato and Avocado Salsa
Serves 4.
Adapted from Food & Wine.

1 1/2 cups grape tomatoes, halved or quartered
1 Hass avocado, diced small
1/4 cup onion, chopped small
1/2 small jalapeno, seeded and minced
1/8 cup cilantro, chopped
1/8 cup fresh lime juice
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper

1) In a medium bowl, gently combine all the ingredients. Salt and pepper to taste. Stir again to combine. Serve on meat, chicken, fish, chips, cheese, or … anything, really.

NOTE: If you’d like a less chunky salsa, chop the tomatoes and avocado even smaller.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price Per Serving
4 servings: 100 calories, 7.4 g fat, 3.7 g fiber, $1.04

Calculations
1 1/2 cups grape tomatoes, halved or quartered: 45 calories, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber, $2.50
1 Hass avocado, diced small: 322 calories, 29.5 g fat, 13.5 g fiber, $0.99
1/4 cup onion, chopped small: 13 calories, 0 g fat, 0.6 g fiber, $0.08
1/2 small jalapeno, seeded and minced: 9 calories, 0 g fat, 0.3 g fiber, $0.05
1/8 cup cilantro, chopped: negligible calories and fat, 0.1 g fiber, $0.25
1/8 cup fresh lime juice: 10 calories, 0 g fat, 0.2 g fiber, $0.25
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.03
TOTAL: 399 calories, 29.5 g fat, 14.8 g fiber, $4.15
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 100 calories, 7.4 g fat, 3.7 g fiber, $1.04

Egg McMuffins for Homeskillets

2012-01-04T07:24:00.000-08:00

This was first published in 2009. In retrospect ... a tuna can? Yep. A tuna can.

Like 10% of all Americans, I used to work at McDonalds. Like 33% of all McDonalds workers, it was the morning shift.

Everyday in the summer of 1997, I hauled my cookies in at 5am to start the percolator, fire up the grill, and lug 50 pounds of Happy Meal toys out of the sub-basement. My early morning co-workers were a sweet 72-year-old, a slightly retarded janitor, and a middle-aged woman that had no business dealing with the public. On good days, I got to take orders from the drive-through, and didn’t have to face anyone for a few hours. On bad days, entire buses of senior citizens would argue with me over the price of a 60-cent cup of coffee.

During that time, I learned the menu backwards and forwards, including basic nutritional information for most of the meals. While the Deluxe breakfast would melt your aorta, I was always pleasantly surprised at the Egg McMuffin. An egg, a muffin, a slice of Canadian bacon, and a dollop of cheese would come in around 300 calories, which still stands as one of the leanest fast food breakfasts around. Plus, they were (and are) delicious. I know. I ate one every morning for three months.

After last week’s Strata, I had a bunch of leftover Canadian bacon, and decided to give homemade Egg McMuffins a shot. Happily, it wasn’t rocket science, and ten minutes of cooking time scored me two eminently edible imitations of the real thing. Even better, no one yelled at me afterward.

So! For your McMuffining pleasure, here are step-by-step instructions for homemade Mickey D’s. Of course, there are a few things to know first:

1) If you don’t have an egg ring handy (and who does?), try a THOROUGHLY WASHED tuna can with the lids pried off. (NOTE: Don’t use a Bumblebee can. The bottom lid sticks outward, making it nearly impossible to remove. See the pics below? It took ten minutes of straight-up wrestling to create that hole. In the end, it was big enough to pour the egg through, but I almost lost a thumb in the process.)

2) For a more McDonalds-like experience, go with American Cheese. Then, have a 62-year-old retiree berate you because his coffee was too hot.

3) The muffins aren’t browned in a toaster for two reasons: A) they’re harder to hold, and B) I like ‘em better this way.

4) At $0.93 a serving, these should be cheaper than your local Mickey D’s. If not, look at it this way: you don’t have to deal with the tall girl behind the counter. You know – the one with the 1000-yard stare, whose only thought is, “Man, I can’t wait to get back to school. This nametag is making my boobs itch.”

Happy cooking!

Egg McMuffins
Makes 2 McMuffins

Cooking spray
2 English muffins, split in half
2 slices Canadian bacon
2 large eggs
1 ounce reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese, grated (I prefer Cracker Barrel)
Salt and pepper to taste

1) Coat a medium non-stick pan with cooking spray and heat on medium-high. Once pan is warm, place English muffins facedown on pan. Squish lightly with a spatula, so they get evenly browned.

2) While muffins are toasting, break one egg into a cup. Break its yolk with a fork, but DON’T beat the egg.

3) When muffins have been lightly toasted (about 3 minutes), place them on a plate and IMMEDIATELY sprinkle grated cheese on one side. This will get the melting process started.

4) Re-coat the pan with cooking spray. (Note: if you have a gas oven, do this away from the stovetop to avoid a fire.) Place the Canadian bacon in the pan. Place an egg ring OR thoroughly washed tuna can (with both lids removed) on the pan. Pour the egg into the ring. If some should leak out the bottom, no worries. You can flip it later.

5) After 2 or 3 minutes, the egg should be pretty set, so cut it out of the ring and flip it over. Then, add egg #2 to the ring. Flip the bacon while you're at it, too.

6) After another minute or so, egg #1 should be finished. Place it on top of one of the cheese-covered muffin halves, and add salt and pepper to taste. Then, add a slice of Canadian bacon and top with the other muffin half. Press down lightly with a spatula so the egg will finish melting the cheese.

7) Repeat steps 5 and 6 with the remaining ingredients.

8) Take a blog picture in front of a sufficient light source.

9) Serve and eat with glee.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
283 calories, 12.4 g fat, $0.93

Calculations
Cooking spray: 0 calories, 0 g fat, $0.04
2 English muffins, split in half: 240 calories, 2 g fat, $0.38
2 slices Canadian bacon: 89 calories, 4 g fat, $0.79
2 large eggs: 147 calories, 9.9 g fat, $0.38
1 ounce reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese, grated: 90 calories, 9 g fat, $0.25
Salt and pepper to taste: 0 calories, 0 g fat, $0.02
TOTAL: 566 calories, 24.9 g fat, $1.86
PER SERVING (TOTAL/2): 283 calories, 12.4 g fat, $0.93

Welcome to CHG: A Quick Overview

2012-01-02T05:41:00.000-08:00

With the dawn of 2012, comes the dawn of many a resolution. If you’re visiting the blog for the first time, welcome! We’re so happy to have you. Bathroom’s on the left. If you’re a longtime reader, we love you! We’re not kidding. It's a little scary.

To get an idea of what CHG is all about, our FAQ and mission statement are good places to begin. To go a little deeper, these six posts give a pretty solid overview of what we do here:

Our master article directory of over 150 similar pieces can be found here. We also post one or two frugal, healthy, and delicious recipes per week, which are compiled here. There are over 400 right now, and we’re always adding to the list. Here are ten fairly simple favorites to get you started:

Hope you’re enjoying the blog so far. We’d love to hear from you if you have suggestions, and best of luck with your resolutions!

19-Hour Food Network Running Diary: The Whole Thing and Various Conclusions

2011-12-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

This piece first appeared in 2009. Happy New Year!

This past Wednesday, I watched an entire broadcast day of the Food Network and blogged about it. Then I slept for 67 straight hours.

The experience changed some ways I felt about FN, and reinforced others. For one thing, I always assumed The Powers That Be didn’t pay attention to financial matters, which they clearly do. There weren’t any outrageously expensive dishes all day, and some shows (Throwdown, 30-Minute Meals) made a point of frugality.

On the other hand, I thought FN would give a modicum of time to healthy cooking, and it just wasn’t there. Bobby Flay’s fruit marinades were the closest anyone came to nutritionally-minded meals. Granted, it’s Christmas, which tends to highlight baking and various indulgences, but when Paula Deen chops the only pepper of the day, you know we’re in trouble.

Finally, I thought there would be more 3/4-sleeve sweaters. Turns out, the chefs prefer long sleeves rolled up. (Except Giada. You can always count on Giada.)

The whole thing is attached below, in chronological order from 9:30am to 5am the next morning. You can see I fell into a coma during Food Network Challenge, but revived just in time for Paula’s Cookie Swap. It’s the important things, you know?

Anyway, here goes. Merry Christmas.

9:30am
THE SHOW: Nigella's Christmas Kitchen
THE HOST: British cook/woman I'd date if I went that way, Nigella Lawson
THE CONCEPT: homemade Christmas gifts

9:32am
Nigella is sploshing cider vinegar into sugar. I enjoy sploshing. Someday, I hope to splosh my way into college.

9:35am
Nigella's casual vocabulary is my favorite. She's making jam, and has described it as "fiery crimson" and "volcanically boiling." This is the stuff that goes with peanut butter, right?

9:37am
This entire show is candlelit and set to saxophone jazz. I think Food Network is trying to seduce me.

9:40am
"Let Dad school you with a vertical rotisserie." is a sentence I never hoped to hear, in a commercial or otherwise.

9:43am
A Nigella haiku:
Oh, metric system
You make baking funny with
your grams and liters

9:45am
Nigella's cake batter is "perfectly plain, but anything but austere." Husband-Elect just kissed me goodbye and went to work. Are these related somehow?

9:47am
Unconsidered when planning 19-hour blogging marathon: when do I go to the bathroom?

9:50am
Her strata is (direct quote): "Like a toasted cheese sandwich, but a celestial one, as if eaten by angels." If heaven is filled with grilled cheese sandwiches, I will feel a lot better about death.

9:52am
It's not even time for Price is Right, and Nigella's guests are eating Christmas tree cakes and getting sploshed on espresso martinis. I want to go to there.

9:54am
We're up to fully loaded baked potatoes. Cooked by candlelight, naturally. I've never been attracted to a potato before today, but somehow, Nigella is making them look sexy. Maybe because she just "splodged" them with sour cream, and now - I swear to god - is "forking them together."

9:58am
Nigella ends the show scarfing potatoes on a crimson couch by a roaring fire, while angels play smooth jazz in the background. This is a Luther Vandross video.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nothing too expensive here
HEALTH QUOTIENT: We'll let it slide. It's a Christmas show.
VERDICT: 10/10, for sexiness

10:00am
THE SHOW: Emeril Live!
THE HOST: Emeril Lagasse
THE CONCEPT: The godfather of TV cheffery hosts a cooking show in front of a live audience, says "BAM" a lot. There's a band, too.

10:05am
The theme of the show is cheese. I can get behind this.

10:06am
First tip, from an at-home video segment with a blonde mom: "Never walk away from your pine nuts." Truer words, never spoken. How many times have I set them to toast and sniffed the air three minutes later all like, "What's burning?"

10:08am
We're watching a split screen of the blonde mom and Emeril blending a dressing. It's still more interesting than golf.

10:11am
Speaking of golf, what happens now that Tiger is in the permanent doghouse? I imagine curling will finally have its day as THE sport for people who don't like sudden movements.

10:16am
Emeril is running a "Say Cheese" recipe contest. Pam from Maryland is a winner, and she reminds me of every nurse or teacher's assistant I've ever met. Pam is using crab in her macaroni and cheese, which "kicks [it] up to notches unknown." NOTCHES UNKNOWN.

10:18am
Emeril is both a "spoon guy" and a "whisk fan." Can you be both? Is that like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets?

10:20am
Augh! The vertical rotisserie ad is back so "Dad" can school us some more. I think I've found my nemesis for the day.

10:23am
Bathroom dilemma, solved. Thank god for commercials. Did you guys need to know that? Also of note: my computer is resting on a hummus tub so the bottom won't overheat. In Brooklyn, we work with what we have, folks.

10:27am
Emeril is stirring white-gray crabmeat into a yellow-gray macaroni and cheese mixture. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back, when Han makes Luke a bed out of TonTon intestines? It looks like that. Which is okay, because sometimes ugly food is the best food. (See: eggplant.)

10:30am
Re: Emeril's accent. He's from Boston, right? Because it sounds so Brooklyn sometimes, I imagine him selling me knockoff sunglasses on the corner by the Halal Chinese Food place.

10:32am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #437: take a shot every time you wonder how a food show can pay for a full band. You'll be sploshed inside an hour.

10:33am
Emeril is making tamales con queso, and keeps asking for "lahwd." I wondered why he would be using the lord in his cooking, until it occurred to me that he's saying "lard."

10:37am
Another ugly-but-delicious food: refried beans. We can all agree it looks like baby puke, right?

10:40am
As Emeril rolls his second tamale, I find my mind wandering to faraway places. Like Morocco. Were fez hats just decorative, or did they have a purpose? They don't shade the eyes or protect the head very well, so I'm figuring they were invented for aesthetic purposes. In a related story, I think it's time for some coffee.

10:43am
Time for a multiple choice question! What kind of degree does Doc Gibbs have?
A) Funkiness MD
B) A PhD in smoothosity
C) A doctorate in jazz hands
D) Gastroenterology

10:46am
Holly from Ohio is the next winner of Emeril's Say Cheese contest, and she has a very, very red kitchen. Like, all her appliances and countertops are a fiery crimson. Wouldn't that make you angry when you're cooking? Like you're in Hell's Kitchen? "Don't TALK TO ME when I'm making CHEESECAKE, DAMMIT!"

10:49am
Can I tell you how much I love it when Emeril adds alcohol to recipes? Everyone in the audience cheers like crazy, as if to say, "WOO! This flan is gonna get us totally sploshed!"

10:52am
Have you seen the ice cream sandwich bench? It's $950, though if Trading Spaces has taught me anything, you can make it at home with $15.62 and a bedsheet.

10:55am
Emeril's jacket has remained perfectly clean through the entire show, despite making salad, mac and cheese, tamales con queso, and cheesecake. No mess at all. I would look like Pizza the Hut after a day like that.

10:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: a shocking 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: good - salad and tamales are pretty cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nada, though points for trying with the salad
VERDICT: 7/10, for gratuitous shots of blending.

11:01am
THE SHOW: Easy Entertaining
THE HOST: Michael Chiarello
THE CONCEPT: "Formal fare in your formalwear." Clever boy.

11:04am
So far, this is an onion- and beet-heavy show. Not kid food, apparently. In first grade, either of those words would have thrown me into total gag reflex failure.

11:09am
Coffee procured! Urge to kill ... fading.

11:10am
Chiarello isn't wearing a 3/4-sleeve sweater, but his pullover sleeves are rolled up to just under the elbow. Does that count?

11:12am
Currently, he's adding a TON of ground fennel to already fennel-heavy roast. Moderate amounts of fennel are always appreciated, but this looks like it's going to taste like a bag of black licorice exploded in your mouth.

11:13am
Up next: a Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu. I have never heard a finer collection of words. (P.S. Did you know "tiramisu" means "pick me up"? Me neither. Thanks, Mike!)

11:15am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #5739: Drink whenever a host claims he/she is "going somewhere," "checking the market out," or "has some errands to run" during the commercial break. We know you need more than four minutes to hit up the orchard, Chiarello.

11:19am
While I like Michael Chiarello, he suffers a bit from John Kerry Syndrome: you know he's totally great at what he does, but you don't necessarily want to have a beer with him.

11:23am
He just poured about a cup of red wine into risotto, making it look like brains. Delicious, delicious brains. Again, the ugly/tasty paradox has been proven.

11:27am
Why don't the Food Network hosts ever wash their own pots and pans? They should have a show made up entirely of Ina Garten and Bobby Flay doing dishes. I guarantee it would be a ratings winner.

11:30am
End of show. How you know: the wine comes out, and Mike changes into a red t-shirt under a charcoal grey blazer. Very Napa.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1/2
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 8/10, for Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and general attractiveness

11:31am
THE SHOW: Quick Fix Meals
THE HOST: Robin Miller
THE CONCEPT: Week-long dinners for busy families, with Oprah-esque theme song.

11:32am
Robin is searing some scallops, and she just poured a dang gallon of olive oil into a large skillet. Look, I know olive oil is one of the healthier cooking fats, but 1/4 cup per serving doesn't do anyone any good. (Now getting off my high horse before I hurt myself.)

11:36am
Robin is having a tough time lifting her skillet. I can relate, having the upper body strength of a fetal chihuahua.

11:43am
We've moved on to Mexican fondue, meaning cheese, spinach, artichokes, and salsa melted together. I'm still deciding how I feel about this. Also: "take it to a whole new level" should be retired permanently, as should "outside the box."

11:45am
Once and for all: is cumin pronounced "keeyou-min" or "coo-min"?

11:50am
Good tip from Robin: make vinaigrettes and dressings in the bottom of the salad bowl, then toss everything afterward.

11:52am
Chopping montage! In general, wouldn't cooking would be much more awesome if all our chopping was set to Michael Jackson? Here, try it.

11:58am
Robin blended strawberries and yogurt, and I thought for sure it was going to be a smoothie. But she poured it in a bowl, so now it's a soup. If she poured it in a votive glass, would it be a candle?

11:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 (it was full-length)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high - nothing was outrageous
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low - I question serving some of these to kids as dinner
VERDICT: 6/10, for questionable usage of vessels

12:00pm
THE SHOW: Paula's Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y'all!
THE CONCEPT: Today, it's cookies. But most days, it's butter. Just butter.

12:04pm
How you can tell this is an early episode: wrinkles, natural lighting, no cackling, zero appearances by Bobby and Jamie. I miss the cackling, y'all.

12:06pm
Analogy time!
Paula Deen is to Fantasy Grandma as George Clooney is to _______.
A) Fantasy Boyfriend
B) Fantasy Shortstop
C) Fantasy Island

12:12pm
Paula's making Gingerbread Men, and "when we come back, I'm gonna show you how we bring these little [guys] to life." This is going to involve lightning and tiny brain transplants, isn't it?

12:19pm
Edit - Paula is making gingerbread men AND women. Later, they will create gingerbread babies together, unless they use gingerbread prophylactics.

12:23pm
Gingerbread Michael (Paula's husband) has white chest hair, a mohawk, and appears to be wearing a diaper. How does Real Michael feel about this?

12:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though her blouse has shorter sleeves, y'all
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high, y'all
HEALTH QUOTIENT: super, super low, y'all
VERDICT: 9/10, for gentility, y'all

12:31pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: Hot, talented chef makes authentic Italian dishes and funny tasting faces.

12:32pm
Giada starts out with panna cotta, or translated, "there's a cot in my pan."

12:34pm
My Ma is as Irishiest of Irish ladies, but insists on pronouncing Latin and Italian foods as they would be in the native language. This means "mozzarella" is "mooz-a-dell" and "parmesan" is "parrrr-mi-jhan." Giada also does this. Giada is my Ma.

12:37pm
Giada is frying some oysters. When she's done, they will be "sweet and tender, which is how your date will act after he eats them." I assume this means my date will also be breaded and covered in marinara sauce.

12:42pm
Giada's "this is so good" claw: check.
Giada's tasting O-face: check.
Still waiting for first pronunciation of "pan-CHET-tha."

12:46pm
This is the 37 millionth time the Le Cordon Bleu commercial is airing, and it's only 12:46. If I hear, "Get your career cooking ... LITERALLY!" one more time, I will literally jump through the TV and broil that guy.

12:48pm
Champagne Risotto with Asparagus is G's next date night recipe. (P.S. The theme of this show is "Date Night." Now you know.) Served with Chiarello's Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and Nigella's Espresso Martini, there is a 100% chance you will be pregnant by the end of the night.

12:51pm
I love that PR folks think well enough of CHG to send us offers, but ... uh ... my name is Kristen. Not Christine. And I don't have kids. And I hate mayonnaise. Just sayin'.

12:57pm
For dessert, it's Raspberry Limoncello Champagne and an Espresso Panna Cotta. Forget plain ol' pregnancy. These will get you a Duggar-style reality show on TLC.

12:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1 (You can always count on Giada.)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium; risotto is cheaper than you think
HEALTH QUOTIENT: pretty low
VERDICT: 10/10, for much-appreciated gratuitous use of champagne

1:00pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: A nice woman from Western New York makes a meal in an unmentioned allotment of time.

1:03pm
Rachael is making sausage, and her accent ("sah-sidge") is making me miss my friends in Rochester and Buffalo. (*sniff*) You guys, lean ground chicken breast reminds me of you.

1:06pm
Whenever RR asks us to "eyeball" something, I picture pouring the item (fennel, cloves, oil, etc.) on our actual eyeballs. This is not the intended meaning, I understand, but ... need more coffee.

1:11pm
We're having "ahh-some wanh-ffles" here everybody, but not before we eyeball the molasses.

1:14pm
A haiku for Rachael:
You carry so much
but is that nutmeg ever
a burden too heavy?

1:19pm
Rachael is excellent at remaining upbeat. When you're makin' TV, it's really, really tough to turn on the cheer when you're not feeling it. But she manages. I dig that.

1:21pm
Toffee Hot Cocoa was just described as "SUPER delicious." Just once, I want a TV chef to say, "You know what? It's a broccoli recipe. It tastes slightly better than burlap, but if we don't get some veggies in our diets, we'll die."

1:26pm
On a related note, do you ever wonder if RR narrates her everyday movements when she's at home? "Well, I'm goin' to pick up my toothpaste like this. Awesome! Then I'm going to grab my toothbrush like this. Yummo! Now I'm gonna bring it up to my mouth, and run it back and forth across my teeth. All right! And we end by spitting the froth into the sink. Big finish!"

1:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though the sleeves of her regular sweater were rolled up
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: negative numbers
VERDICT: 7/10, for too many "yummos'

1:31pm
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa! WOOOO!
THE HOST: the lovely Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: incredible food served by a woman you want to hang out with ALL THE TIME

1:32pm
She's making chocolate gelato. For Jeffrey, of course. CURSE YOU, JEFFREY!

1:34pm
Husband-Elect, are you reading this? If so, can we go to Ina's kitchen for our honeymoon? I will let you have the Gandalf ice carving if you say yes.

1:36pm
Ina is wearing a black button-down instead of her usual denim one. If you're not a regular viewer, this means nothing to you, but if you are, it's a plot twist on par with The Sixth Sense.

1:40pm
Ina is visiting her fishmonger. I like to picture her being personal friends with her various mongers, and at the end of every year, they all have a giant monger party. Where they mong, presumably.

1:42pm
She is now making lobster pot pies. I was taught to appreciate fresh-from-the-animal lobster meat from a very young age, and always hesitate to use it in any recipe. I mean, what if I mess it up? And why would I want to dilute lobster flavor? But I'm going with this, Ina. I trust you. Be careful with my heart.

1:49pm
Ina wants us to place pastry dough in the fridge for 30 minutes "to chill and relax." Unmentioned: "to light up some doobage and listen to Steve Miller albums on shuffle."

1:51pm
The lobster pies were just dubbed "rustic." In cooking, is "rustic" a synonym for "messy"? If so, my apartment is very rustic.

1:57pm
Jeffrey is playing a trick on Ina, to make her think he ate all the food. This is cruel and unnecessary. Also, I don't know how to spell "unnecessary."

1:58pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: er ... pretty low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: um ... also low
VERDICT: 10/10. It's Ina, and dissent will not be tolerated.

2:01pm
THE SHOW: Semi-Homemade ... you knew it was coming.
THE HOST: Sandra Lee
THE CONCEPT: 70% store-bought ingredients, 30% fresh ingredients, 100% yarg.

2:02pm
The theme is wisteria. So naturally, the first dish is a Fig and Goat Cheese Quesadilla. Leave your logic at the door, ladies and germs.

2:05pm
Aunt Sandy's hair is styled very Farrah Fawcettly. Which brings another question to mind: when I don't wear my hair back when I cook, it gets in the food. (Mmm ... hair chili.) Is this a concern of TV chefs?

2:10pm
"I want to talk to you about making great potato salad without all the work." She is starting with pre-cooked potatoes already seasoned with rosemary and garlic. This is like saying, "The first step is making an awesome cake is to buy an awesome cake."

2:12pm
On microwaving the potatoes: "You didn't have to do any of that peeling, any of that monkey business." I think she just compared potato peeling to sex. I guess both are dirty? And can take a few minutes? And at the end, you get delicious fries?

2:21pm
Sandra is spooning hot apricots on to a delicate cream. You can see the cream itself dissolving as this happens. It looks like, in the following shot, the desserts have been replaced with new ones. I can't say for sure this happened, but I think it happened.

2:26pm
Multiple choice question time! Sandra is currently:
A) Showing us a tablescape with a three-foot, 30+ pound vase of flowers at the center.
B) Showing us ANOTHER new plate of those apricot cream desserts.
C) Showing us the molecular representation of sodium chloride.

2:29pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0. It was a lavender blouse.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 5/10, for unexpected attention paid to health and frugality, but also making a potato salad out of a potato salad.

2:31pm
THE SHOW: Boy Meets Grill
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby Flay and a grill in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

2:33pm
Bobby's background music sounds like the chillout room at a '90s rave. We have fallen into a K-hole of flavor, everyone.

2:35pm
Unexpected, terrifying glitch with Blogger, seemingly overcome for now. If it craps out 10 hours into the marathon, I will go on a killing spree.

2:40pm
If Bobby wasn't a cook, he'd be a ballplayer - probably a journeyman outfielder with a .270 average and 15 or 20 home runs a year. Fans would like him because he shows up early to practice, and managers respect him for his knowledge of the game. Three years after retiring, he'd take a job managing Double A, where he'd stay until the majors call him up in his mid-50s. After a few years as a hitting coach, he'd get the full-time manager's job and win the World Series within three years. He'd always have a secret love of mango salsa, but would't know why.

2:45pm
Chickpea Polenta, which Mr. Flay is making, is something I would like to eat right now. In my mouth. With my teeth and gums.

2:51pm
Bobby is now mixing figs and red peppers in a delectable-sounding marinade. However, it looks like Buffalo Bill's bathtub in Silence of the Lambs. "It puts the marinade on the skin or it gets the hose again."

2:57pm
Random people show up on Bobby's rooftop to eat. If only such deliciousness was waiting at the top of every NYC fire escape, instead of the tar paper and Wire-style Mexican standoffs that are usually there.

2:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though Bobby's sleeves were rolled up.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low; steak is pricey, yo
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium; points for lots of fresh produce
VERDICT: 8/10, for the creative use of fruit and being able to smell the grill smoke all the way in my apartment.

3:01pm
THE SHOW: Guy's Big Bite
THE HOST: Guy Fieri (pronounced "Bob Jones-Smith")
THE CONCEPT: Huge freaking food for giant freaking guys.

3:02pm
The More You Know: I'm wearing no makeup, ill-fitting jeans and my beloved hooded sweatshirt, Big Green. If anyone saw me right now, they'd immediately turn to stone.

3:03pm
Props to Guy: he doesn't settle for saying an ingredient "will make this taste great!" He explains why you add certain seasonings and why you cook food a specific way. And he uses way less "Dude! This onion is radical awesome gnarly, bro!" than I thought he would.

3:09pm
He's explaining why he didn't salt Kalamata Couscous ahead of time: "because I wasn't sure what the olives would bring to it." This is the kind of information I want from a cooking show. From Guy Fieri. Who knew? (Also, it helps that he's making dolma [stuffed grape leaves], one of my all-time favorite foods.)

3:12pm
I'm calling it: TV chefs calling pieces of food "bad boys" is officially over. Stuffed grape leaves are delicious, not delinquent.

3:14pm
Return of the rotisserie ad dad! He reminds me of Prince Humperdinck from Princess Bride. Somewhere (Gilder), a village is missing its cowardly noble.

3:20pm
Guy's dolmas are "doing time" in the oven. 15 to 20 for assault and grand theft auto, to be specific. Maybe they ARE bad boys.

3:22pm
There is no elegant way to talk, whisk furiously, and sound composed at the same time. Everyone's voice rattles like they're riding a vacuum cleaner.

3:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 - again, the rolled-up sleeve dominates
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high, dude
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium, bro
VERDICT: 9/10, for being unexpectedly pretty great, dudebro

3:30pm
THE SHOW: Tyler's Ultimate
THE HOST: Tyler Florence
THE CONCEPT: Tyler shows us how to make a classic dish in the best possible way.

3:31pm
Tyler is kicking the show off by berating a rubber chicken. This is gonna be good.

3:33pm
Ack. He just called all-purpose flour "A.P." (Or, "apey.") How you know when acronyms don't work: when they sound like another, more disgusting word.

3:36pm
"What would life be without bacon?" Tyler asks. A futile existence, my friend. A futile existence indeed.

3:42pm
Tyler is making Coq au Vin, and his lapel mic is picking up the sound of sizzling every time he gets near his Dutch oven. You can hardly hear him above the noise, and it's kind of hilarious.

3:48pm
Also of note: Tyler hits food a lot, as in, "We're gonna hit this with Cognac." and "I'm gonna hit this with Herbs de Provence." No lie, he just said it like, six times. Food abuse!

3:52pm
"Boom!" is another one he's uttered about 70 different times. Methinks Tyler Florence is actually Guy Fieri, and Guy Fieri was replaced with a lookalike English teacher. Up is down, left is right, people!

3:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 - rolled up sleeves again.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10 - it's been over for a minute, and I barely remember it. There was a rubber chicken, right? (Is that mean? I don't want to be mean. I actually like Tyler a lot.)

4:01pm
THE SHOW: Cooking for Real
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Cooking, really. For real. With realness.

4:04pm
Sunny's telling us about her tattoo. True story: in college, I was out with a friend, and came fairly close to getting the Chinese symbol for moon tattooed on my lower back. I decided not to, went home and told my dad about it. His response: "So, let me get this straight. You were about to get a MOON tattoo two inches above your ass?" I have never been tempted by tattoos again.

4:09pm
Fill in the blank time!
"Flauta" is the Spanish word for ______:
A) flute
B) to flout or express disdain
C) flatulence
D) ex-Bills quarterback Doug Flutie

4:12pm
The last three - possibly four - shows have involved tempering/whisking eggs into a hot mixture. Is that intentional? Does Food Network pick really specific themes like that? Today, it's tempering eggs. Tomorrow, it's grinding coriander. The day after that, it's sectioning a lemon on a snowy day if you live in a state ending with the letter "O."

4:20pm
Heh. It's 4:20.

4:24pm
19 hours of straight blogging, and there will be no Ace of Cakes. The lack of Duffness depresses and frightens me. So I will look at this dog making cookies to cheer me up.

4:25pm
Sunny is a very sunny person, yes? If she was named Frowny, this would be an entirely different show.

4:26pm
She's making Mexican soda! The bodegas in my neighborhood have these, and the colors are insane. They're like drinking a B-52s album.

4:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nada - cute short-sleeved pink top
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low - flautas were deep fried
VERDICT: 7.5/10, for the fact that I want Mexican food now

4:30pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: This episode, Giads makes easy Italian-style cookies.

4:31pm
Giada just described a "decadent and deliciously adult cookie," meaning the next half hour will see her either making Florentines or directing a porno.

4:34pm
Didn't this woman just have a baby? How does she still look like a tiny Italian hourglass? (*curses the heavens*)

4:37pm
A Giada haiku:
Little big head chef
makes cookie log so pretty
we forget claw hand

4:44pm
We live down the block from a pizza place that sells single slices in individual boxes. Our front stoop has become the garbage pail for the neighborhood kids, all of whom buy one on the way from school to the subway. Short of water guns, how do I solve this problem?

4:50pm
Giada is rolling out dough, and trying to fill the time with words. "I'm rolling out the dough. Rolling. Rolling. Uh ... more rolling. Hm. Nice day today, right? How 'bout them Mets? More rolling."

4:57pm
Giada is hosting a cookie tasting party, and her friends and family are all abnormally hot. This is probably because they usually have asparagus tasting parties.

5:00pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1! Finally! I thought I was taking crazy pills.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high - baking is cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low - it's a cookie show, man
VERDICT: 8/10 - for having biscotti that looks like it might actually be very good

5:01pm
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa
THE HOST: Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: For this episode, it's treats for people and their dogs.

5:02pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #83892: chug every time a TV chef adds nebulous "flavor," without describing the qualities of said flavor. Ex: "This cupcake could use more flavor." "Potatoes are great when they have flavor." "My socks have a flavor."

5:04pm
Remember, like, four hours ago? When Sandra Lee made potato salad using potato salad? Ina don't play that way. She's got her Adidas and Kangol on, she has her ghetto blaster turned to 11, and she's cooking those dope spuds from scratch. Word.

5:09pm
Ina has chopped at least three large onions, and is visibly tearing up. That's no good. I will kill the onion that makes Ina cry. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, ONIONS.

5:11pm
A chocolate sheetcake is in the process of being baked. Normally, this would sound awesome. But I don't know if it's good to combine dogs and chocolate in a party setting. Y'know? The pugs have one drink too many, then they start teasing the Boston terrier, and before you know it, all the shih-tzus have poisoned themselves. Party over.

5:19pm
The more I watch this show, the more I think Ina looks like my mom. Maybe this is why I like her so much, and why I keep asking her for money.

5:20pm
Did you know Ina used to work on U.S. nuclear policy in Washington? I think that's why her recipes don't bomb. (HAHAHAHAHA ... sorry.)

5:26pm
Joe Lieberman is a terrible, terrible person. Just sayin'.

5:27pm
First the onions made Ina cry. Now she's grilling on the beach, where it's clearly windy and freezing. If she's attacked by one of those labradoodles, I'm boycotting the Earth.

5:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: umm ... look over there! A shiny thing!
VERDICT: 10/10, for the appearance of the StandMixer. If Barefoot Contessa is Cheers, the StandMixer is Norm.

5:31pm
THE SHOW: Down Home with the Neelys
THE HOST: Gina and Pat Neely
THE CONCEPT: A couple you might otherwise like is forced to yell as loudly as possible while making soul food.

5:36pm
There's a guest! A brother of Pat's! And I like him! He's speaking with his inside voice, is why.

5:37pm
They're smoking pork butts in the kitchen. We used to smoke butts in the kitchen in college. Then we smoked too many butts and had to quit. Smoking butts, I mean.

5:40pm
An analogy!
The Neelys are to total deafness as Kate Hudson romantic comedies are to _____.
A) brain damage
B) drooling
C) incontinence
D) all of the above

5:44pm
You know what? Maybe I'm looking at Down Home the wrong way. When I cook, it's usually alone, and it's usually quiet and methodical and relaxing. Others are more gregarious and make it more of a group activity. If that's what the show is aiming for, it's doing okay.

5:50pm
Brother Neely is making pulled pork, a secret diet food. By that, I mean: if you're on a diet and find yourself at a barbecue joint, go for the pulled pork. It's usually the lightest of all the meat choices, and you can customize the flavor with various sauces.

5:52pm
Liveblogging health update: nine hours in, my back is starting to get a little twingey. I call it Futon Spine.

5:56pm
Gina's making margaritas. She's into the tequila. We're about to enter migraine territory.

5:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: barely visible from space
VERDICT: 4/10, for Pat's brother and his ponytail.

6:01pm
THE SHOW: Paula's Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y'all
THE CONCEPT: This episode, it's slow cooking.

6:02pm
BEAR WITNESS! Paula is chopping a vegetable, y'all! I'm already in contact with Washington and lobbying for a national holiday.

6:04pm
As a New Yorker, I have never had chicken fried steak. But I've also never had malaria. Is it worth it?

6:09pm
Paula melted half a stick of butter with several cups of grated cheddar cheese, dumped them into the crockpot, and spooned through it wearing an expression I can only describe as total human contentment. She is simultaneously delighting and scaring the crud out of me.

6:14pm
The show has stopped while Paula feeds the mac and cheese to the camera. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

6:17pm
Limerick time!
There once was a lady named Paula,
"More buttah, y'all!" she would holla,
Her restaurant took off-o
And her show was so boff-o
She earned a million and one dolla.

6:22pm
Blueberry Peach Cobbler is distinctly American in a great way. Eating it with Swiss steak and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American a not-so-great way.

6:25pm
Paula says the cobbler requires some "one on one personal time." Between her, Nigella, and Giada, this is the sexiest day of food programming in history.

6:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: infinitesimal
VERDICT: 8/10, for the face. I aspire to make that face someday.

6:30pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Dunno. Never heard of it.

6:32pm
How you can tell this is late-period Rachael: much more eye makeup, shorter hair, increased fresh foods, better knife skills, a voice that's clinging to audibility, motions exaggerated to the Nth power.

6:37pm
Rachael's making gorgonzola-stuffed meatballs. If there were more recipes based on meat stuffed with cheese, we'd have world peace, a public health option, and money leftover for universal foot massages.

6:41pm
Fun fact: food commercials use women in their 20s to play the mothers of tweens and teenagers. While this is totally possible, it makes it seem like real-life mothers should look much younger than they actually are. Which isn't cool.

6:49pm
Finally, something I can criticize without feeling terrible: Big Top Cupcake is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. IT'S A POINTY CAKE PAN, EVERYBODY.

6:52pm
I stand corrected. Micro S'mores is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

6:57pm
Rachael makes a good point: always pull the bay leaves out of your food. Who among has not forgotten, and ended up with a mouthful of pointy leaf? (Uh ... anyone?)

6:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10, for being easily distracted by BigTop Cupcake

7:00pm
Halfway done!

7:01pm
THE SHOW: Food Network Challenge - Edible Ornaments
THE HOST: The guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn't Guy Fieri
THE CONCEPT: Cakemakers are taking real trees and covering them with edible ornaments

7:03pm
Today's competitors are three New Yorkers and a dude from L.A. whose "mother would cry if [the tree] wasn't pretty enough." Has mom trained him well enough? Will the New Yorkers bring their crowbars? Can everyone make nice flowers? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.

7:06pm
There is a shocking lack of Carrie Whats-her-face, the terrifying British judge that usually reduces the contestants to weeping piles of mushy goo. It's going to be up to the guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn't Guy Fieri (TGWTGASHWIGF), and I don't think he has the cojones.

7:10pm
Lisa Simpson is trying to find her way north, and Bart has a faucet stuck to his ... damn, this isn't the right channel.

7:11pm
Food Network brought in the contestants' parents and siblings in as special assistants, and there is immediate friction between the Staten Island mother/daughter pair. I hope this doesn't devolve into Jersey Shore-style shenanigans. There's not enough spray tan in the world.

7:16pm
In New York, there's a children's behavioral adjustment program commercial that promises to fix your kid's bad habits. One part claims it will even "turn your child's attitude around in one minute or less." Imagine the possibilities there. I imagine it will involve threats to send kids to China.

7:22pm
One baker is making garland out of metal tubing and cream puffs. Another is doing it with amber sugar-covered chestnuts. These may end up tasting like roofing material, but they sure look good.

7:30pm
Another baker basically took some lasagna ingredients, spray painted them, and threw them up wherever they'd fit. I'm not sayin' I could do that, but I'm very good at sticking lasagna in trees.

7:32pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #2893752: If something can go wrong with a Food Challenge ingredient, it will. And it won't be something you'd ever expect. "Oh no, my tortilla is too flaky!" "Oh no, my edible silver beads are too roll-ey!" "Oh no, my cream puffs are becoming too moist, which will disconnect them from the adhesive chocolate!"

7:40pm
The Long Island baker's brother is hilariously inept.
~~~
Interviewer: What do you like, David?
Brother: Sports and ... uh, sports.
~~~
Brother (holding up ornament): Where should I put these?
Baker: It's a Christmas tree, David.

7:42pm
Question for readers: would you want to eat ornaments that have been shoved in a sap-filled Christmas tree? Where squirrels and birds might have lived? I suck on tinsel every now and then, so no judgment.

7:44pm
Staten Island baker is using an edible film paper, which I had no idea existed. I will be licking a lot more random paper now. Y'know, to test it out.

7:47pm
How I know the Husband-Elect is the right guy: he saw me after ten hours of blogging and didn't scream "CRONE!" and run away to Timbuktu.

7:52pm
L.A. guy just told his mom to clean up his mess! It's a shocking parent/child role reversal and it's making me uncomfortable. The familial hierarchy exists for a reason, people!

7:55pm
Edible Film Baker is getting reamed by the judges. (A pun! It's a pun!)

7:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zip
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: n/a, unless you're into eating trees
VERDICT: 5/10, for lack of terrifying Carrie judge and bizarre four-level pineapple tree topper that will never leave my nightmares

8:01pm
THE SHOW: Paula's Cookie Swap
THE HOST: Paula Deen
THE CONCEPT: Friends and family of the Deenster are dropping by with their favorite cookie recipes. Jamie and Bobby are here! Finally, y'all!

8:02pm
Paula 2009 is SO MUCH MORE GLAM than Paula 2006. Whereas Paula 2006 probably enjoyed bridge and 60 Minutes, Paula 2009 would wear leather pants and tour with the Scissor Sisters.

8:04pm
Time for another multiple choice question! Paula is wearing:
A) a brightly-colored shirt
B) Jimmy Buffet
C) several pomegranates
D) a Polynesian barbecue

8:06pm
Paula 2009 is the kind of grandma you'd introduce to all your friends, and then take to a champagne bar/drag club to hang out with ladies with names like Barbara Ghanoush and Honey Crisp. The next day, she'd disappear back to Georgia and you'd be sad for like, 100 years.

8:11pm
Hee. The lady cooking with Paula now is named Mrs. Susie Butts. In college, I worked making cold calls to hundreds of people with (really real) names like Warren Peace, Homer Simpson, John F. Kennedy, and Mrs. Shitrit.

8:14pm
Also, they're toasting nuts. Hee. Toasted nuts.

8:22pm
The further we get into this show, the more apparent it's become that Paula might be partaking in some Christmas spirits. I wish I could join her, but there are EIGHT HOURS OF BLOGGING LEFT. Eat your heart out, Jerry Lewis.

8:29pm
Seen today: Ina, Giada, Bobby, Tyler, Rachael, lots of Paula
Unseen today: Mario, Ace, Sara, Anne Burrell, Santa Claus, James Bond

8:32pm
Jamie and Bobby sighting! They're making ... sand tarts? What the hell are they saying?

8:33pm
How do the Deens have so many family recipes? It seems like every dish has been in their family since the beginning of time. We have one family recipe, and it's for wallpaper paste.

8:38pm
If our first child is a boy, we're naming him Paul Dean. He will be Southern, super gay, and totally delightful.

8:44pm
Crossover alert! Paula's brought in Bobby from HGTV. He's teaching her how to wrap cookies all pretty-like, with ribbon and such. History Channel wishes it was this riveting.

8:48pm
Y'all, we're not done yet! Paula's decking the halls in a tasty way. Or something. It's late, and I just ate two pounds of sesame noodles.

8:52pm
Reader Robyn has an excellent question: "What happened to the lady who won the last Food Network Star?"

8:53pm
Paula is calling her decorator out for bringing store-bought cookies to the swap. The decorator looks mortified, like you just told her she has toilet paper stuck in her teeth.

8:54pm
Michael's here! He's dressed in a Santa suit to enhance his natural Santa-ness, and even in the jacket, it's apparent he's lost significant weight. Paula has too, come to think of it. Anyone know what they're doing?

8:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - but the bird of paradise blouse made up for it
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: below absolute zero
VERDICT: 10/10 - insanely entertaining, y'all

9:00pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: The Chef of note challenges a renowned Chicken Cacciatore cook to discover whose version is best.

9:01pm
New York City firehouse chef Keith Young is 6-foot-6, and has a Long Island accent that's almost as big. He loves "protectin' prah-petty" and "caw-melized onions." I love his bald head.

9:06pm
Do you have a distinctive accent? Does it get worse when you're around your family? Mine does, and Bobby's is too, the longer he hangs out with these New York firefighters.

9:10pm
Chicken cacciatore literally translates into "hunter's chicken," or "chicken that you caught with a big gun and then soaked in tomatoes until it's bloody-looking."

9:12pm
Big difference between Bobby and Keith's cacciatore: Flay uses red wine, while the firefighter opts for white, figuring it goes better with chicken. I think I have to go with the Iron Chef here, folks. Red wine + tomatoes = party in my mouth, and everyone's invited.

9:15pm
Bobby walked into the firehouse to propose the challenge and Keith ate him. It was awful.

9:18pm
Oh, how I jest. Both men are still alive. Their fight will be fought in an arena of food.

9:19pm
But seriously, Keith ate him.

9:20pm
If my ears doth not deceive me, Keith just called his poultry "chicken bosom." I'm using that from now on and claiming it as my own. No one will ever know. MUAHAHAHAHA.

9:22pm
Bobby's adding honey to his tomato sauce. I've never seen that before. Italian grandmamas that read this blog: does this happen?

9:27pm
The fire chief/referee has an incredible handlebar mustache not unlike this Emperor Tamarin.

9:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - will the mustache suffice?
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: surprisingly relevant - there was a budgetary aspect to the challenge
HEALTH QUOTIENT: uh - okay, I guess
VERDICT: 7/10, for the mustache

9:30pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby's challenging a priest for the Best Fajita crown. Expect a lot of holy plays on words.

9:33pm
Leo's a breakdancing Catholic priest who loves cooking and has a third-degree black belt. He also has many, many religious cooking puns in his back pocket. Bobby is a dead man. And his soul isn't too safe, either.

9:38pm
A haiku about Father Leo:
Awesome ninja priest
preaches peace but will nunchuk
you if provoked, dude.

9:41pm
We have entered Hour 12 of the blogathon. There is a butt-shaped jello mold where my actual butt used to be.

9:43pm
Father Leo is a ham of the highest order. Can I say that? Will I still get into heaven?

9:48pm
Father Leo's secret marinade ingredient: "holy water." And he was taught to chop by Mother Theresa. What a cool life, Batman.

9:52pm
Dear Pope Benedict,
Hi there! How are you? So glad you seem to be doing well. I was just wondering - is there a way to incorporate more fajitas into the average mass? I promise I would go more often.
Hugs,
Kristen
P.S. I understand if you don't want to dignify this with a response.

9:58pm
The bed music sounds like it's excerpted from Rocky 16: Rocky Goes to Crate & Barrel.

9:59pm
End of show. Father Leo won, duh.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: fairly high, I guess. I'm flustered
VERDICT: 9/10, for avoiding the obvious holy cow jokes

10:00pm
THE SHOW: Dinner Impossible
THE HOST: Robert Irvine
THE CONCEPT: The Chef has to feed 1000 volunteers in Biloxi, Mississippi. He has nine hours.

10:03pm
At the end of the show, they're giving Brenda keys to her renovated home, which was ruined in Katrina in 2005. Y'know, we've been looking at pictures from the hurricane for three years now, and it's still infuriating and sad.

10:12pm
Robert is squaring off/doing a dance of love with the local soul food restaurant owner. If they're not making out by the end of this, I will eat my own socks.

10:14pm
Does everyone in Mississippi play banjo or blues guitar? Is that a prerequisite to live in the state? On Long Island, you have to know the lyrics to every Bill Joel song.

10:17pm
This show ends in 13 minutes and no one's started cooking yet. They're about to have some very angry Habitat for Humanitarians on their hands. And they have hammers.

10:24pm
Ooo - I lied. This is an hour-long show. Irvine is safe ... FOR NOW.

10:31pm
Sweet and sour sauce spill. Back in a minute.

10:36pm
Our brown rug is now a brown rug with red spots. Merry Christmas!

10:38pm
The manufactured drama in this show is freakin' killing me. Have they ever not finished in time?

10:40pm
In regard to Bobby Flay's repeated Throwdown drubbings, reader Kat writes: "Challenging anyone and everyone to a Throwdown is getting slightly embarrassing, especially when you lose every dang time. I'm only trying to protect you, man."

10:42pm
Irvine is hilariously reluctant to yell at his fellow volunteers. It's like watching a pit bull with a Barbie jump rope tied around its muzzle.

10:47pm
Fill in the blank! There is a disturbing amount of food _____:
A) stitting outside without refrigeration
B) in close proximity to the ground
C) being prepared by men whose primary talent is sweating

10:57pm
Miss Brenda just got a look at her new home, and she's stunned. The dining room almost knocked her over. What a sweet lady.

10:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high - they're volunteers
HEALTH QUOTIENT: they've been working out, so it's okay
VERDICT: 6/10, for the lack of yelling.

11:00pm
THE SHOW: Good Eats! Finally!
THE HOST: Alton Brown!
THE CONCEPT: Cooking nerd schools us, is generally pretty great.

11:02pm
Alton is explaining flour, and he's uncomfortably close to the camera. He has 257 eyebrow hairs.

11:05pm
This is brilliant. Alton's given us the show recipe's ingredients, but hasn't revealed the name of the recipe itself yet. We have to figure it out ourselves. He is the Will Shortz of TV chefs.

11:09pm
Oh! He's buying a popover pan. He's making popovers. I'm a genius. All hail me.

11:12pm
Have those popover signs been popping up throughout they whole show? They have, haven't they? I'm not a genius, then. I'm merely brilliant.

11:15pm
The popovers are being filled with all kinds of disturbing things - fruit, ice cream, broth, etc. Where's the butter? Where's the jam? They are afraid and alone. Unfrozen Caveman Popovers.

11:20pm
We have suddenly jumped to Yorkshire pudding, as defined in the 1500s. We have gone Back to the Future, and Doc Alton Brown is our guide, Marty.

11:21pm
Holy ... the recipe for Yorkshire pudding is almost exactly the same as the recipe for popovers! This show makes everyone smarter. Is there any doubt it's the best on Food Network?

11:25pm
How much I wanted to see "It's Complicated" at the beginning of the day: 54%
Number of commercials for "It's Complicated" seen today: approximately 30
How much I want to see "It's Complicated" now: -4%

11:27pm
Alton now preparing a Dutch Pancake, or, as it's more commonly known, a Pancake That Pays for its Half of a Date.

11:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero - Weird Al Yankovic shirts is Alton's preferred look
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: sky high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 12/10, for being my TV boyfriend (with apologies to Tim Riggins).

11:31pm
THE SHOW: Oh god ... Unwrapped.
THE HOST: Marc Summers
THE CONCEPT: How boring mass produced food is boringly made.

11:33pm
The Husband-Elect and I have a private joke about this show in that sometimes, we have entire conversations using Marc Summers vocal inflections:
Me: "Hon, can you get me ... a cup of coffee?"
Him: "Would you like ... a little milk?"
Me: "Maybe also ... a paper napkin?"
Him: "Of course, I'll ... be right back."

11:40pm
Alternate names for Unwrapped: The Conveyor Belt Show, People in Hairnets, White Owners/ Non-White Employees, and Drippy Chocolate.

11:45pm
It's a quarter to midnight and I'm drinking iced coffee. The hallucinations should start soon. My Christmas tree is already starting to look like a Tim Burton movie.

11:52pm
Unwrapped is profiling organic grocery store Whole Foods, a.k.a. Whole Paycheck, a.k.a. That Place Where I Can't Afford Apples. They're trying to "dispel the myth that organic has to cost more." Unmentioned: "sell $40 chicken legs."

11:58pm
Now profiling snackmakers Pirate's Booty. It's the same damn conveyor belt with different food on it. You won't fool me, Summers!

11:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nope
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nope
VERDICT: 2/10, for infuriating me with ... factory line footage.

12:01am
THE SHOW: Oh no ... the same Throwdown we saw three hours ago.
THE HOST: Still Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Still the Chicken Cacciatore thing.

12:07am
Oh man. I'm gonna need a different angle for this one, fast. What if we made up a song to the tune of Bob Dylan's "The Times, They Are A-Changin'"?
Come gather 'round firemen
Wherever you drink
And admit that you left your
dish in the sink.
And accept it that soon
You'll be forced to think
About whose chicken
you're pickin'.
So you better start eatin'
'Cause it'll be done in a wink.
For the Throwdown, it is a ... goin' down.

12:12am
Okay, maybe not that.

12:17am
It's now 12:17, and I don't have a bit for this yet. Unless this running bit that I have no bit is actually the bit. Oh crap. The Le Cordon Bleu commercial again. Have I fallen asleep without knowing it? Is this a nightmare?

12:20am
Okay. FN is airing repeats (Dinner Impossible, Paula's Cookie Swap, etc.) straight through 4am. SO, I'm gonna break for a few hours and continue this then. That's not cheating, right? I don't think so. Either way, thank god I JUST DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE.

4:01am
THE SHOW: Tasty Travels
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Rachael eats her way across the Northeastern seaboard.

4:04am
This narration is far too chirpy for four o'clock in the morning: "For a true Kennebunkport experience, cast your net at Mabel's Lobster Claw!" It's only missing a cheerleading pyramid.

4:06am
I woke up with "Do They Know it's Christmas?" in my head. Tonight, thank god it's me, INSTEAD OF YOOOOOOOOOU.

4:07am
Also on TV at 4:07am:
CW: Frasier
ABC: News
CSPAN: An old man complaining
TV Guide Channel: an infomercial for Dermawand, the stick you put on your face.
PBS: An old man complaining

4:11am
Holy cow! It's a commercial for The Clapper! This has to be at least 15 years old. Is that a cassette player in there?

4:12am
Back to Rachael, who's eating lobster at the Algonquin. It is, as you might imagine, "ahhhb-so-LUTE-ly dah-LISH-ous."

4:14am
My heat's off. Is my heat always off now?

4:18am
Rachael is in Portsmouth (literally: "there is port in my mouth"), New Hampshire (literally, "there is a shire in my hamp"). She's at the Muddy River smokehouse, where men are men and women are also men.

4:20am
Was that mean? I don't care. It's 4:20 in the morning.

4:21am
"Locals are enchanted with the cuisine." This phrase is not used in Brooklyn very often. Here, it's more like, "Locals will not shiv you over the cuisine."

4:23am
Next, Rachael goes to Gloucester, the Massachusettsiest of all the Massachusetts-sounding towns in all the world. It is wicked Massachusettsy. Red Sox.

4:24am
Commercials at 4:24am in the morning:
AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance
Hair transplants
... that's it. It's me and balding old people awake right now.

4:27am
We're now at Halibut Point restaurant, where Rachael is eating CHOWDAH next to FISHAHMEN. All this trip is missing is a Kennedy.

4:29am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: I forgot to count. It's cold in here.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium - she mentioned some numeric thingies.
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low - what?
VERDICT: 4:29am

4:30am
THE SHOW: How'd That Get On My Plate?
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Unwrapped, but with fresh food and no ... Marc Summers.

4:32am
Sunny kicks off the show in an open field. If Martin Scorcese taught me anything, the only people in open fields at 4:32 in the morning are about to be whacked by the mob. Run, Sunny!

4:34am
Did you know: industrial garlic bulbs are peeled by something called a clove blower. In college, the words "clove blower" had a very different meaning. It usually involved a Phish album.

4:36am
Food Network is pushing the White House Iron Chef HARD. Do you think Mario and Emeril will accidentally bump tummies on the floor? Like jolly dueling Santas? Because oh, how I'd giggle.

4:38am
In 2001, my job required that I pull into work right about now. New York is always eerily silent this time of the morning, but I did see a guy get jumped from my cab once.

4:39am
Was that story not riveting enough? My judgment of interesting stories is a little off right now. I'm 20 seconds from babbling about the coldness of my nose.

4:41am
There is a vat of Bloody Mary mix being made on my television. It looks like the scene from Nightmare on Elm Street when the bed eats Johnny Depp. Did you know - and this is not a joke - that he was credited under the name "Oprah Noodlemantra" for his cameo in the sequel? ABSORB THIS KNOWLEDGE, YOUNG PADAWAN.

4:46am
Sunny is back at the garlic factory. You know how you come home sometimes smelling like work? That must be a genuine work hazard for people who work in a garlic factory.

4:48am
Now she's standing next to a 5000-pound garlic mountain. There are 5000 vampire jokes just waiting to be made here. I'll be a gentlewoman and let y'all handle it.

4:52am
I can taste garlic in the air in my apartment all of a sudden. This means either this show is really effective, or there's an old pizza stuck in my walls. Both are equally likely.

4:53am
Sunny is currently wandering through a tremendous warehouse, stacked floor-to-ceiling with barrels of dried garlic. I assuming the Ark of the Covenant is also in there somewhere.

4:58am
It's roasted garlic hummus now, which has an inherently hilarious texture. You guys don't know what you're missing. But it's okay - no worries. You can stay asleep. That's why I'm here.

4:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero - Sunny stuck to overalls
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: astronomic - garlic is good for you, y'all
VERDICT: Who am I? How did I get here?

5:00am
Folks, 19-1/2 hours later, we are DONE! It's been a trip. I'm going to bed. Hasta la pasta.

2 Oatmeal Recipes and the Ultimate Oatmeal Personality Quiz

2011-11-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

This was originally published awhile ago. But I likes it!

The following quiz is intended to evaluate your level of affection for oatmeal. Using the provided key, assign each of your answers a numeric value. At the end, tally your score to discover the extent of your oatmeal fanaticism.

KEY

For every A answer, give yourself 4 points.
For every B answer, give yourself 3 points.
For every C answer, give yourself 2 points.
For every D answer, give yourself 1 point.

QUIZ

I eat oatmeal:
A) Everyday. Sometimes twice. Sometimes in the shower.
B) Weekly. It’s okay for breakfast on the go.
C) Monthly. When I’m out of Froot Loops and bologna.
D) Never. It killed my dog.

My oatmeal comes from:
A) The farm. I harvest it myself, with the oatmeal scythe I received for Christmas.
B) A cardboard can. I make puppets from it when it’s empty!
C) A 3-year-old packet at the bottom of my pantry, under the Windex.
D) People intentionally trying to piss me off.

My favorite kind of sweet oatmeal includes:
A) Fresh pumpkin puree, toasted walnut bits, and a dash of the finest cardamom.
B) Honey, peanut butter, and bananas. I call it “The Elvis.”
C) Rehydrated apples and cinnamon that can be carbon dated.
D) The sweet oatmeal of death.

Gingersnap Oatmeal from Kitschen Bitsch (which I, Kris, have now eaten everyday for a week) sounds:
A) Like the second coming.
B) Like coffee with Angela Lansbury: melodic and educational.
C) Like it’d taste better in a cookie.
D) Like I’d rather have my tongue grated with a microplane zester.

At first, savory oatmeal sounds:
A) Delicious! I dated a bowl of it from 2002 to 2005.
B) Like interpretive kayaking: strange, but I’m willing to give it a shot.
C) Like a science experiment. Nice try, Carl Sagan.
D) Like being kicked in the esophagus.

Consequently, I’d equate Mark Bittman’s Oatmeal with Soy Sauce and Scallions with:
A) A month-long orgasm.
B) A Sandra Bullock movie; probably better than it has any right to be.
C) Cleaning the house with your mother before guests come over; traumatic, with the ultimate possibility of understanding.
D) Being forced to work in a gulag.

SCORE/EVALUATION

0 TO 6 POINTS: you are an oatmeal hater and honestly, a bit of a drama queen. You’d rather have your tongue scraped off than have a delicious breakfast? There is an MTV reality show in your future.

7 TO 12 POINTS: you are an oatmeal ambivalent. Once, in 2007, you bought a giant box of Quaker packets from CostCo, thinking they'd be great to take to the office. You ate the banana bread ones first. The plain ones are still in your pantry. You will end up donating them to charity.

13 TO 18 POINTS: you are an oatmeal enthusiast. Your relationship with oatmeal is quite healthy. Also, people like you and small animals feel comfortable landing on your shoulder. You should consider a career on Broadway.

19 TO 24 POINTS: you are an oatmeal extremist. Your love for oatmeal is all encompassing, and your family and friends fear for your sanity. To avoid being committed, eat eggs for a week straight. Should that fail, a straitjacket would not be out of place.

~~~
If you like these recipes, you might also like:

~~~

Gingersnap Oatmeal
Serves 1
Adapted from Kitschen Bitsch.

1/2 cup Quaker old-fashioned oatmeal
1/2 cup skim milk
1/4 cup water
1 tablespoon molasses
A few shakes ground ginger
A few shakes ground cinnamon
A pinch ground cloves
A dash vanilla extract
A few dashes Kosher salt

In a small pot, heat oatmeal, skim milk, and water over medium heat. As oatmeal mixture is warming, add all the other ingredients. Stir thoroughly to combine. Let cook until most of the liquid is absorbed, and the oatmeal reaches … y’know … an oatmealy consistency. Serve warm.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price Per Serving
253 calories, 3.4 g fat, 4 g fiber, $0.45

~~~

Oatmeal with Soy Sauce, Sesame Oil, and Scallions
Serves 1.
Adapted from Mark Bittman.

1/2 cup Quaker old-fashioned oatmeal
1 cup water
2 teaspoons soy sauce
1 small scallion, thinly sliced
1/2 teaspoon toasted sesame oil

In a small pot, heat oatmeal and water over medium heat. As oatmeal mixture is warming, add soy sauce and about 1 tablespoon of scallions. Stir thoroughly to combine. Let cook until most of the liquid is absorbed, and the oatmeal reaches … y’know … an oatmealy consistency. Spoon into a bowl and drizzle sesame oil on top. Serve warm, with a few raw scallion slivers on top.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price Per Serving
178 calories, 5.5 g fat, $0.32

~~~

Calculations (Gingersnap Oatmeal)
1/2 cup Quaker old-fashioned oatmeal: 150 calories, 3 g fat, 4 g fiber, $0.15
1/2 cup skim milk: 45 calories, 0.4 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.11
1/4 cup water: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.00
1 tablespoon molasses: 58 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.13
A few shakes ground ginger: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
A few shakes ground cinnamon: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
A pinch ground cloves: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
A dash vanilla extract: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.02
A few dashes Kosher salt: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
TOTAL/PER SERVING: 253 calories, 3.4 g fat, 4 g fiber, $0.45

Calculations (Oatmeal with Soy Sauce, Sesame Oil, and Scallions)
1/2 cup Quaker old-fashioned oatmeal: 150 calories, 3 g fat, 4 g fiber, $0.15
1 cup water: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.00
1 small scallion: 2 calories, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber $0.08
2 teaspoons soy sauce: 6 calories, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber, $0.07
1/2 teaspoon toasted sesame oil: 20 calories, 2.3 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.02
TOTAL/PER SERVING: 178 calories, 5.5 g fat, $0.32

38 Cheap, Healthy Recipes for Thanksgiving Leftovers

2011-11-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

This post was originally published in November 2008. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Every year, I suspend my healthy diet for one heralded November day. No, not Election Day, during which I’m usually too queasy to eat – but that most glorious of bird-based holidays, Thanksgiving.

Then, 24 hours later, I enter an equally magical shame spiral, since I’ve just consumed enough calories to keep me alive for eight years without ever having to eat again.

This year, I’m going to desperately try to avoid all that, hopefully by using at least 25 of the following 38 inexpensive, frugal leftover recipes. (Well … okay, 24.) I found them via a thorough, highly scientific search-and-paste process, not unlike previous Beef, Party Food, and Salad Dressing searches. In this case, here’s what determined a dish’s appearance on the list:

As always, if the recipe comes from an aggregate site, the reviews must come in at 80% approval or above, or have no reviews at all (in which case, they must look really, really good).
It was a little difficult to find low-fat recipes, since stuffing and mashed potatoes aren’t exactly health foods (meaning: they don’t miraculously lose their calories on Black Friday). So, I attempted to keep each recipe NWR, or Nutritious Within Reason. There’s little added butter, oil, dairy, lard, mayo, or canned soup in each dish.
If possible, I included notes about lightening the dish under each title.
As for price, there aren’t any exotic ingredients included, so costs should be pretty low. Caveat: you might have to purchase a little ginger or a bunch of green onions or something.
There is no Turkey Tetrazzini. Because I hate it. Muahahahahahaha!

Readers, if you have suggestions, I love to hear. In the meantime, happy Thanksgiving!

All Recipes: Apple Curry Turkey Pita
Use low-fat yogurt in place of regular to cut fat and calories.

All Recipes: Hearty Turkey Soup with Parsley Dumplings

All Recipes: Southwestern Turkey Soup

Bon Appetit: Asian Turkey-Noodle Soup with Ginger and Chiles

Bon Appetit: Cranberry Citrus Sorbet
This sounds AWESOME.

Bon Appetit: Pork Chops with Cranberry Port and Rosemary Sauce

CHG: Leftover Turkey Stew

CHG: Turkey Chili
Use turkey bits instead of ground turkey, add to pot with tomatoes

CHG: Turkey Noodle Soup
Sub in cooked turkey for chicken.

CHG: Turkey With Shallot Apricot Sauce
Sub in turkey for chicken, and use leftover warmed turkey

Chow: Turkey Pad See Ew
A little high in fat, but delicious-sounding just the same.

Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Mom: Thanksgiving Leftover Casserole (scroll down)
Sub in fat-free evaporated milk and make sure you use 2% cheddar.

Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Mom: Turkey Stock

Cooking Light: Cold Soba Noodles with Turkey

Cooking Light: Fiery Turkey-Pâté Crostini

Cooking Light: Turkey Pizza

Cooking Light: White Turkey Chili

Epicurious: Turkey Burritos with Salsa and Cilantro
Humina.

Epicurious: Turkey and Sweet Potato Sandwich

Fabulous Foods: Turkey Pasties

Fine Cooking: Turkey Soup with Ginger, Lemon, and Mint

Fine Cooking: Turkey and Sweet Potato Hash

Fine Cooking: Turkey Tortilla Soup

Food Network/Cathy Lowe: Turkey Soup with Rice

Food Network/Cathy Lowe: Turkey Stuffed Peppers

Food Network/Emeril Lagasse: Turkey and Vegetable Soup

Food Network/Michael Chiarella: Next Day Turkey Soup

Food Network/Ocean Spray: Smoked Turkey and Cranberry Gourmet Pizza

Food Network/Rachael Ray: Turkey Corn Chili

Food Network/Rachael Ray: Turkey and Stuffin’ Soup
Frankly, the picture kind of squicked me out here. But the reviewers (and there are quite a few) seem to LOVE it, so go nuts.

Food Network/Robin Miller: Turkey Soup with Egg Noodles and Vegetables
Looks like a good, quick recipe. Very well rated.

Food Network/Sunny Anderson: Second Day Turkey and String Bean Pot Pies

The Oregonian: Soba Noodle Salad With Cranberries and Apple

The Oregonian: Turkey Picadillo

The Oregonian: Turkey, White Bean, and Escarole Soup

Seattle Times: Chili-Rubbed Turkey Sandwich With Red Onion Salsa

St. Louis Eats: Nigella Lawson’s Vietnamese Turkey Salad

Wise Bread: Turkey and Stuffing Casserole

~~~

If you like this post, you might also dig:

Thank you so much for visiting Cheap Healthy Good! (We appreciate it muchly). If you’d like to further support CHG, subscribe to our RSS feed! Or become a Facebook friend! Or check out our Twitter! Or buy something inexpensive, yet fulfilling via that Amazon store (on the left)! Bookmarking sites and links are nice, too. Viva la France!

For Those About to Gestate, We Salute You

2011-11-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

“Aw, look. You’re having a Hellboy.” – our friend Chad

There comes a time in a young-ish married lady’s life when she looks at her husband and has to make a choice, to a) beat him in Scrabble, b) mold his beard into funny shapes, or c) do it. And sometimes, choosing “c” results in being 12 days late with her ladytime, taking four negative pregnancy tests followed by a fifth positive one, and then gaining 400 pounds, roughly half of which is fetus and its accompanying goo. (Note: The other half is burgers and lemonade.)

Which is to say, I’m knocked up. (Due on Cinco de Mayo! Break out the virgin margaritas.)

Yay! Husband and I and ESPECIALLY OUR PARENTS are thrilled with this development, as it means our familial line will continue for at least another generation, or in nerd terms, through iPhone57G. We look forward to all the cuteness and wonder and giggles and poop, which we've been assured there will be lots of. In fact, we’re even looking forward to the inevitable moment when the baby pukes into our open mouths, which, if friends and family on Facebook are to be believed, happens alarmingly often.

And while we're over the moon, I gotta tell you guys – pregnancy is kind of funky.

Don’t get me wrong - the prospect of introducing a new human to the wonders of Pixar and brownies is dumbfounding in its awesomeness. But my first trimester was a little rough. Meaning: I did not take the Barftrain all the way to Vomitville, but I did make a month-long stop in Queasytown. (Motto: “Where you always feel like s**t.”)

There was a span of about two weeks during which I slept negligibly, ate weirdly, and cooked nothing – not a slice of toast, not a bowl of cereal, not liver with fava beans with a nice Chanti. We subsided mainly on Chipotle and the kindness of passing Chinese takeout delivery boys, who, as it turns out, prefer to be paid for their troubles. My diet was neither cheap, nor healthy, nor particularly good, unless you count the burgers. And there were many.

It’s Month #4 now, and the nausea has finally begun to subside. I’m cooking again, and my appetite has returned with all its friends and relatives. According to the medical books (a.k.a. Manuals of Horror) I've read, the rest of my pregnancy should proceed thusly:

~~Month 1: Sore bosom~~
~~Month 2: Fatigue~~
~~Month 3: Nausea~~
Month 4: Raging indigestion
Month 5: Pregnancy … thing … bus … uh, brain
Month 6: Carpal Tunnel Body
Month 7: Hormone conflagration
Month 8: Beatlemania
Month 9: Gigantism
Month 10: Pass a human through my nethers

I'm looking forward to it - the pregnancy, the birth, and especially the whole "raising a child" part. Because I've tried to teach the cat how to read, and he's just not getting it.

In the meantime, I'll blog when I can, hopefully regarding food. And if y'all have any suggestions? I'm all ears. And abdomen.

Apple Hacks: 39 Apple Recipes, Games, Activities, and Crafts

2011-10-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

This piece comes from October 2007, which was nice when you think about it.

The U.S. produced more than 9,816,000,000 pounds of apples last year, or just about 28,854,000,000 individual pieces of fruit. That’s a lot of apples. Maybe too many to eat.

Fortunately, there are dozens - no, hundreds - wait, THOUSANDS of other uses for those delightful orbs of deliciousness, and CHG has 43 of ‘em right here.

1. Predict your romantic fortune. According to USApple.org, throwing an apple peel over your shoulder could reveal the identity of a boyfriend-or-girlfriend-to-be, since it, “would form the initial of your lover’s name.” I’m guessing X and Q don’t show up much.

2. Practice your pumpkin carving. Test-whittle a pumpkin pattern on its smaller, cheaper fruit cousin, and you’ll make fewer mistakes when it’s showtime.

3. Teach someone how to bunt. One of baseball’s most overlooked skills is also one of its most important, especially if you’re into squeeze plays. But bunting too hard is a surefire way to waste an out. At your team’s next practice, toss apples to your bunters-in-training. If the fruit gets smashed, the kids are using unnecessary force. If the apples fall and roll away unharmed, they’re halfway to Butlerville.

4. Play a Flexibility game. This is an easy, creative brain exercise revered by one of my favorite elementary school teachers. Place an apple in front of a few kids. Give them ten minutes to come up with as many non-food uses as possible. The winner gets the apple. (And gets to write a blog entry twenty years later about the many uses of apples.)

5. Practice magic. Nourish your inner Harry Blackstone with the good ol’ Orange to an Apple trick. (Scroll down for details.)

6. Shrink some heads. Both hideously effective and just plain hideous, shrunken apple heads are guaranteed to scare the beejeezus out of someone this Halloween. Fab Foods has instructions.

7. Exfoliate. Wikihow gives DIY instructions on a neat facial scrub. Make sure you’re not allergic before giving it a try. That would be bad.

8. Prevent every disease known to man. Apples’ health benefits are too numerous and mind-boggling, to list here, so I’ll let’s hand it over to the Apple lobby.

9. Teach a student driver how to accelerate and brake smoothly. The apple’s stable bottom and heavy top makes it a perfect balance tool. Place one on top of the driver’s car. In an unoccupied parking lot, have him speed up, speed down, and finally, brake. If the apple’s knocked off, he loses. If it stays on, it’s apple pie for all.

10. Soften brown sugar. Oh, Reader's Digest, you crafty minx. I had no idea it was possible to do this: “place an apple wedge in a self-sealing plastic bag with the chunk of hardened brown sugar. Tightly seal the bag and put it in a dry place for a day or two. Your sugar will once again be soft enough to use.” Now, if you could only improve that joke page…

11. Facial! According to the Washington Post, apples make people look pretty. Mix a grated one with a little honey and apply it to your face. Poof! Instant beauty. (Or at least, a very tasty visage.)

12. Stick ‘em in a vase. Pretending you’re on Trading Spaces has never been so easy. Grab a dozen Granny Smiths, pile them in a clear, tall container, and place strategically. Instant class for less than $4.

13. Make a stamp. Apples make great (albeit temporary) decorative stamps. Whether it’s cards, letters, or wrapping paper, the Washington Post claims all you have to do is, “[Slice] the fruit horizontally, exposing the inside star shape. Or create more elaborate designs -- hearts, moons, Hitchcock's profile -- with a small knife. Then stick a fork in the rounded side of the fruit, dip it in paint and press the stamp on paper.”

14. Host an apple tasting. From Lifehacker: Buy a dozen or so different apples, invite some friends over, and eat. Pair with wine, cheese, and/or chocolate for the ultimate in inexpensive luxury.

15. Ripen a tomato. Take five under-ripe tomatoes and one ripe apple. Place in a paper bag. Wait a few days. Marvel at the results.

16. Learn to Juggle. Over a couch or couch-like surface, preferably.

17. Treat a horse, rabbit, or turtle. People aren’t the only animals that dig a nice MacIntosh. Head to your nearest stable or petting zoo, and (with the permission of the owners) make a mammal and/or amphibian happy. Especially fun with kids. (Make sure to shred the fruit before feeding it to a turtle. Otherwise, Choke City.)

18. De-salt a dish. Oversalting is a ginormous problem for those of us who prefer our sodium intake on the tongue-withering side. Reader's Digest says, “When you find yourself getting heavy-handed with the saltshaker, simply drop a few apple (or potato) wedges in your pot. After cooking for another 10 minutes or so, remove the wedges -- along with the excess salt.” Chemistry at work!

19. Make stuff smell good. Huge props to Meredith at Like Merchant Ships on this one. She simmers a few apples along with various spicery, and her house ends up more fragrant than a Pillsbury factory. NICE. Instructions included in the link.

20. Build apple animals. Grab some toothpicks, a few gum drops, a handful of marshmallows and go to town. They make inspired, bizarrely fun holiday decorations, especially for Halloween and Thanksgiving.

21. Support some candles. I wish I’d thought of this one. Instead, Reader's Digest trumped me again. You rascally malcontents! “Use an apple corer to carve a hole three-quarters of the way down into a pair of large apples, insert a tall decorative candle into each hole, surround the apples with a few leaves, branches, or flowers.”

22. Create an apple-head doll. Hey! It’s a doll that, uh, ages. (Yay?) I’m not so sure how I feel about this one, but (once again) the Washington Post seems to think it’s a good idea: “Peel an apple and let it hang-dry for a couple of days, so that the fruit shrivels into an old-lady face. Decorate the face with wire (for granny glasses) and seeds (for beady eyes), and attach it to a small bottle for the body. Dress up.”

23. Save the cakes! Storing a cake with half an apple will keep it alive for days longer than its projected lifespan. See, the apple absorbs all the mold-breeding moisture, leaving the confection nearly as fresh as the day it was baked. (I would say, “yummo” here, but honestly, that word makes me homicidal.)

24. Juice up a chicken. Marcella Hazan does this, but with lemons. 1) Grab a roaster chicken. 2) Stick an apple up its butt. 3) Roast. 4) Enjoy your a dewy, drippingly moist bird. Reader’s Digest has more.

25. Bob for them suckers. Oh, it looks easy enough, but Bobbing for Apples is the "Stairway to Heaven" of Halloween party games: only the chosen ones are really good at it.

26. Teach math and/or the fundamentals of gravity. According to some studies, kids respond better to hands-on lessons than those learned by rote memory. Apples are good tools for teaching addition, subtraction, and basic Newtonian physics. (Plus, is there anything more entertaining than dropping fruit on childrens’ heads?)

27. Decorate a Christmas tree. String some garland or build your own ornaments. If you have a dog or particularly bizarre cat, just remember to place ‘em high up.

28. Practice your knife skills. Whether you’re peeling its skin, coring the center, or chopping it up into eraser-sized pieces, the apple is one of the few foods suited for both pairing and chef’s knives. Hone your technique on a few dozen Cortlands (and use the detritus in applesauce).

29. Jazz up a floral arrangement. For your next bouquet, think outside the flower box by adding one or two color-coordinated apples to the party. Meredith has a great example over here.

30. Kiss up to a teacher. If your wife, husband, sister, roommate, uncle, best friend, or second cousin by marriage twice removed is about to launch a teaching career, slip a Red Delicious into their lunchbox with a note. They’ll mist up in the cafeteria.

31. Devise a centerpiece. Stack ‘em, line ‘em up, or stick ‘em in a bowl – anyway you position them, apples are elegant, easy objets d’art in any mealtime setting.

32. Play Pass the Apple. A super-neat variation on the ol’ fashioned relay race, Pass the Apple involves each runner tucking a piece of fruit under his chin, then transferring it to the next runner’s chin without using his hands.

33. Carve a bird. Fruit sculpture is impressive and fairly easy when compared to other hobbies, like say, quantum physics. This apple bird tutorial will get you started.

34. Give a gift. Whether you’re canning or making Apple Pie in a Jar, every person on the face of the earth (except Kim Jong Il and other various psychopaths) loves receiving food for special occasions. Homemade apple products are an inexpensive way to please minds, hearts, and gaping maws.

35. Target practice. Do you shoot things at other things? Save money (and perhaps someone’s eye) by setting apples up as bulls-eyes. On the less-destructive side, they also make fabulous targets for practicing your curveball. (PLEASE BE CAREFUL.)

36. Paint. There’s a reason so many painters start on bowls of fruit – it’s a good way to learn fundamental shading and coloring. Unpack those brushes and get started, folks.

37. Design a wreath. At first, I pictured this as a dozen apples affixed to a straw circlet, rotting over my mom’s mantle. Ooo – wrong. FamilyCorner.com has a good example of how it should really be done.

38. Play apple toss. It’s like cornhole, but with buckets. And apples. And no bean bags. And … ah, just take a look.

39. Cook. This would be a pretty awful cooking blog if there was no actual cooking involved. So, BEHOLD the following light, relatively inexpensive recipes, garnered from Cooking Light, Food Network, Pick Your Own, All Recipes, and my Ma:
Apple Brown Betty
Apple Butter
Apple Cake

Apple Chutney
Apple Cobbler
Apple Crisp
Apple-Glazed Pork Loin Roast with Apple-Ham Stuffing
Apple Leather
Apple Martinis (they’re fat free, right?)
Apple Muffins
Apple Pie
Apple Salad
Apple Slaw
Apple Smoothie (scroll down)
Apple Strudel
Applesauce

Baked Apples
Dried Apples

Sources:

Hocklander, Sony. "Applemania," Springfield News-Leader. 9/19/04.
Reader's Digest
http://www.rd.com/content/extraordinaryuses/extraordinary-uses-for-apples/
US Apple Association
http://usapple.org/index-c.cfm
"With the arrival of apple season," Washington Post. 10/22/06

that thing i'm writing

2011-09-27T03:14:00.001-07:00

that thing i'm writing

My Dinner with Aline

2011-09-14T07:10:00.000-07:00

This post was written by Leigh, who usually pens CHG's Veggie Might column.

Greetings darling CHG readers! I've missed you ever so. The most exciting thing happened since I was here last. I went to Rwanda to teach crochet to the girls of the Ubushobozi Project, and I'm bursting with joy to share with you a first-hand account of your generosity in action.

You may recall that Ubushobozi is a vocational training center that teaches at-risk teenage girls sewing and life skills that set them on a path of empowerment and self-sufficiency. Students are provided lessons, materials, a sewing machine, a salary and a daily meal, health care for themselves and members of their households, and so much more. They learn to be independent, how to run a business by selling the tote bags and clothes they make, and that people are invested in them and their success.

And they dance…do they ever dance!

Back in the spring, Kristen and I introduced you to Aline, who was in particular need of a kitchen. Aline studies and works at Ubushobozi to support her two sisters and ensure the youngest, Diana, gets the formal education not afforded to Aline and Olive, the older sister.

The sisters' house was in disrepair. The roof leaked, the windows had no shutters, the door had no locks, and of special interest to the CHG community, the house had no kitchen. The girls cooked on a charcoal stove outside in the elements rain or shine, and when the rain was too much to light a fire, they took their cook pot to a neighbor or, as often, went without supper. You rallied to Aline's aid and quickly raised $200 so Aline and her sisters could build a new kitchen.

Immediately, after the fundraiser in March, a terrible rainstorm took off Aline's leaky roof and damaged the walls of her house. With our blessing, the Ubushobozi directors allowed Aline to use the kitchen money to make emergency repairs to her roof and walls, and as soon as the rains passed, replenished the kitchen money from the general fund.

Cut to August: Aline has one of the swankiest houses in her village, with doors that lock and everything.

On my visit, our crew, that included me, directors Betsy and Dolinda, and founder Jeanne, rode on motorcycle taxis (oh dear Maude, I thought I was going to die) to the girls' village to check out their digs. Our first stop was Aline's house. The village was immediately abuzz with the news that "mzungus" (non-Africans) had arrived.

Escorted by a number of small children from the village, Betsy and I almost burst into tears when we saw Aline's house. The crumbling mud bricks we'd seen in photos were smoothed over with an adobe-like clay. A new tin roof gleamed in the sun. Doors and shutters were obviously new, with shiny locks to protect the girls at night. Diana took us around back.

There it was: Aline's kitchen, a brand-new mud-brick structure standing fresh and bright among the banana trees and bean poles. It had ventilation windows near the roof and a stone floor. Since it was the dry season, the stove was still outside, but the kitchen stood ready to withstand the rains to come—the rains that are pounding them now.

Aline poked her head from inside the house, just emerging from a bath.

"One minute," she said smiling, and popped back inside. A few minute later, she joined us outside, draped in vibrant fabric, showing off her kitchen and posing for pictures. She disappeared again and Diana led us to the living room.

Their tiny house was neat and tidy. The only light came through the high windows. We sat in wicker chairs around a wooden coffee table and chatted and laughed with Diana and Faustin, Ubushobozi's gardener, who also lives in the village. We marveled at all the work that had been done. After about 30 minutes, Aline finally joined us, fully dressed in a polo shirt and long skirt, proffering heaping plates of food.

"I cooked," she exclaimed, proudly serving her guests.

The meal was a delicious stew of potatoes, chayote, onions, and spices. I was only able to identify the chayote after I asked what we were eating. Aline jumped to her feet, disappeared for a moment, and returned to plop a chayote on the coffee table in front of me. She called it something else, but I can't recall the Kinyarwanda name.

After our fabulous, filling meal of squash and potatoes, we took 100 or so more pictures with Aline and Diana and made motions to leave. But it was not goodbye. Our group grew in number with every home visit, and this was merely our first stop—and first meal.

If you're still not sure of your impact on these sisters, Dear Readers, know this: these girls' lives have been changed. Because of your generosity, they are now protected from the rain and from robbers, they can eat a full meal despite the weather, and they have a pride in their home that is visible on their faces. And this pride extends to others in their community. They are an inspiration to those around them, and the more their lives improve, the more they can do to help their friends and neighbors.

Okay, I'm going to cry again. Thank you, CHG readers, for your constant support of us, Aline, Ubushobozi, and the good you do wherever you go.

I Made Bread! It Was Easy. You Can Too.

2011-08-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

You know when it's August, but your iPod thinks it's December, and it plays "Do They Know it's Christmas," and you find yourself silently mouthing "Tonight thank god it's them, instead of YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" at a nice Asian man who clearly thinks you're about to steal his bag of lychees?

I love that.

I also love bread, but have never in my whole puff attempted to make it until this summer, assuming it was roughly as complicated as re-wiring the Hadron Collider. Then, it dawned on me that, a few years ago, Mark Bittman published a recipe for five-minute, idiot-proof, no-knead artisan bread. It's since been updated and refined by half the population of Guam, but the essentials are there: four ingredients, a bowl, a pot, and time. So I tried it myself, and whaddayaknow? It's the best. Seriously. In all seriousness. Squared. I will eat this and nothing else until I die, presumably, of choking on bread.

Here's how you make it. (Do it! We'll have a bread party.)

First, gather your ingredients. They are:

3 cups of bread flour

1 little packet of active dry yeast

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1 1/2 cups lukewarm water

If you plan on making this baby a lot in the future, bite the $4 bullet and purchase a package of yeast from CostCo or something. It is approximately four billion times cheaper than buying it envelope by envelope, a.k.a What I'm Currently Doing.

Second, you get a large, non-reactive mixing bowl and combine your dry ingredients, a.k.a. The Ingredients You Didn't Get From the Tap.

Third, add water and stir until it becomes a spongy, dough-like mass, a.k.a. Mr. Squishy. Don't overstir, or something bad will happen. I'm not exactly sure what, but aren't you scared now?

Fourth, cover that baby. With plastic and rubber bands. Then, leave it out for at least four hours, but for as long as several days, refrigerating after those first 240 minutes. (Note: The longer it sits, the better it will taste. I've gone up to three days.) If you have a cat that's prone to eating dough (er, not that I know any cat like that) ...

... hide it somewhere, like the Cave of Caerbannog, where it will be guarded by a rabbit so foul, so cruel, that no man (or cat) has yet fought with it and lived.

A cabinet will also be sufficient.

Eventually, your dough will expand like crazy, to about three times its former size. It will also appear softer and slightly wetter. (Note cat in lower part of photo, stalking wet dough for potential lunching. His lobotomy is scheduled for tomorrow.)

Fifth, cover a clean cooking surface (a counter, mayhaps) with a thin sheen of olive oil. Turn the dough out on to the surface, and fold it over two or three times. Cover everything with plastic wrap, and let it sit at least 30 minutes, but for up to 2 hours. If it's been refrigerated, it must be given enough time to come to room temperature. It must!

Sixth, while the dough lounges around, move your oven rack to the lower third of your oven. Then, preheat that sucker to 450 degrees F. Grab a pot or Dutch oven, cover it, and stick it in there, to warm along with the oven.

This is mine. It's a 3-quart hard anodized piece of Calphalon, but I'm fairly sure any sizable, oven-safe covered pot will do. (Have doubts about yours? Look it up on the interwebs.)

Seventh, once everything is good to go, CAREFULLY remove the hot pot from the oven and VERY CAREFULLY place the dough into it. SUPER CAREFULLY cover it, and COLOSSALLY CAREFULLY place it back into your oven. Bake for 30 minutes. I CAN'T EVEN EXPRESS HOW CAREFULLY YOU SHOULD remove the cover. Bake an additional 15 minutes, or until the top of your bread is nicely browned. If you see it starting to burn, get it out of there.

Eighth, flip the bread out on to a wire cooling rack. It should look something like this:

And one more time, in black and white, for posterity:

Ninth, once it's cool enough to handle, eat that bread. It may seem like a big loaf at first, but I promise on all that is good and pure, none of it will go to waste. Here's the above loaf, 30 seconds later:

And finally:

Happy baking!

Little Expense, Big Savings: What's Your Favorite Frugal Buy?

2011-07-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

We purchased this toothpaste squeezer doohickey for $0.99 cents about four months ago:

Since then, we're buying way less toothpaste. It should save us quite a few bucks in the long-term, too, provided we don't lose it / the cat doesn't eat it / it doesn't get sucked into the sweltering pit of despair we call "outside right now."

Which leads us to this softball question for a fiery Friday:

Sweet readers, what's your favorite frugal buy?

Do tell! Pass it on!

Why and How to Freeze Blueberries

2011-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

Ahh, summer. Full of hazy days, humid nights, and lots and lots of blueberries. Those sweet orbs of azure joy are welcome anytime of year, but especially right now, when they provide a fruitacular (fruitacular?) balm for the grossest weeks of summer.

That's a flowery way of saying that blueberries are currently on major sale at both my supermarket and Costco, going for about $0.16/ounce. That's just about as cheap as they'll get around here, and I want to preserve the bounty for the winter months. (That's when I crave blueberry pancakes, but have to usually settle for acorn squash pancakes. It's just not the same.)

Fortunately, freezing blueberries for future use is easy as (blueberry) pie, and a heckuva lot cheaper than buying off-season ones come January. All you need to do is follow these simple steps. You'll thank me come Christmas (because surely, there's no one more deserving of expensive gift-like things than a babble-prone, extremely lax blogger you barely know.)

Anyway, let's get to it.

Step 1: ~~Cut a hole in the box.~~ Buy an Ark-of-the-Covenant-sized carton of blueberries from your local farmer's market, big box store, or preferred fruit venue.

Step 1.5: Get some freezer baggies while you're at it. Honestly, they're nice to have around, regardless. Tom Bosley was right on.

Step 2: Take a picture that you may someday use as a computer background. Make sure it is well-lit and in focus, so people (note: your mom) think(s) you're super awesome.

Step 3: Measure out your desired amount of blueberries. It could be in cup or half-cup increments, or by weight. Whatever you prefer. For my own nefarious purposes, I did eight ounces at a time.

Step 4: Place the blueberries on a small baking sheet. Stick that sheet right in your freezer.

NOTE: Blueberries are weird in that you should generally wait to wash them until right before using 'em. Less mushiness that way.

Step 5: Freeze for a few hours. Overnight is best.

Step 6: While the freezing process is occurring, watch the finale of Friday Night Lights and contemplate your values. Hope that someday you may make Coach Taylor proud.

Step 7: Once berries are frozen through, pour them into a freezer-safe Ziploc baggie. Get as much air out as possible, using a straw or your purty, purty mouth. Then, label that sucker.

NOTE: You do not have to write "Frozen Blueberries," as so brilliantly demonstrated here. Odds are you'll know they're frozen when you remove them from ... wait for it ... yep, the freezer.

And that's pretty much it. The blueberries should keep for a couple of months this way. (If you start seeing major freezer burn or frost buildup, it's probably a pretty good indication they should be used soon.) Try them in smoothies, crisps, or the aforementioned flapjacks. Viva la France!

Throwback: 68 Cheap, Healthy No-Cook Recipes

2011-07-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers! Something new coming late today, but I figured this was a good time to re-post this one from last year. Enjoy, and stay cool.

Alas, CHG’s No-Cook month is slowly coming to an end. It’s been a joyous, ovenless journey, sweet readers, and we couldn’t have done it without the blistering sun or the stifling humidity. Thanks, Mama Nature.

Article-wise, we’ve already discussed 13 Ways to Cook without an Oven as well as 18 No-Cook Meal Ideas. This week, we’re giving you the actual recipes: 68 inexpensive, nutritionally sound dishes you can make without ever lighting anything on fire. (Hopefully.)

Each one of these links comes from either Cheap Healthy Good or my weekly Healthy & Delicious column over at (newly redesigned!) food dynamo Serious Eats. This means three things: A) we know they work, B) there are pretty pictures involved, and C) um … turns out there were only two things.

Enjoy, everybody! And as always, if you know of a really great no-cook recipe not mentioned here, please (please) add it to the comment section.

DIPS AND SPREADS
Black Bean Dip
Blueberry Salsa
Green Garlic and Garlic Scapes Pesto
Guacamole-Bean Dip Mashup
Lemony Hummus
Mango Salsa
Pesto (Don't toast pine nuts.)
Seven-Layer Taco Dip
Tomatillo and Yellow Tomato Salsa
Tomatillo Guacamole
Tomato Avocado Salsa
White Bean Dip

CONDIMENTS
Creamy Caesar Dressing
Grasslands Herb Salsa
Horseradish Mustard
Lemon-Ginger Dressing
Spicy Brown Mustard
Vegan Mayo
Vegan Worcestershire Sauce

COLD SOUPS
Buttermilk Cucumber Soup
Cantaloupe Soup
Fruit Gazpacho
Summertime Gazpacho

GREEN SALADS
Chlorophyll and Awesomeness Salad
Chopped Salad
Grape and Feta Salad with Rosemary
Grapefruit and Avocado Salad (Skip toasting almonds.)
Relaxed Kale and Root Veg Salad
Strawberry and Avocado Salad

MAINS, NON-GREEN SALADS, AND SIDES
Autumn Apple Salads
Basil Tofu Salad
Beet and Cabbage BBQ Slaw
Black-Eyed Pea “Caviar”
Black-Eyed Pea Salad
Chickpea Salad
Daikon/Jicama Mango Slaw
Greek Antipasto Pita
Greek Salad Skewers
Greek-Style Chickpea Salad
Greek Tofu Salad
Herbed Tuna in Tomatoes
Marinated Mushroom Salad
North African-Style Chickpea Salad
Orange Yogurt
Peach, Tomato, and Basil Salad
Refrigerator-Pickled String Beans
Sprouted Grains
Sublime Fruit Salad and Mint
Summer Panzanella (Bread Salad)
Watermelon and Feta Salad with Mint
White Bean and Roasted Red Pepper Wraps with Spinach
Yellow Tomato Salad with Roasted Red Peppers, Feta, and Mint
Zucchini Carpaccio with Feta and Pine Nuts

DESSERTS AND SNACKS
Cantaloupe with Honey and Lime
Chocolate Cherry “Ice Cream” Popsicles
Date Coconut Balls
No-Cook Berry Crisp
Plums with Orange and Mint
Strawberries with Balsamic Vinegar
Strawberry Mousse
Tamarind-Blueberry Granita
Three-Ingredient Banana, Honey, and Peanut Butter Ice Cream

DRINKS
Basil Lemonade
Cranberry and Blackberry Champagne Punch
Mango Lassi
Mojitos
Sweet Lassi
White Sangria with Fresh Fruit Ice Cubes

Cherry Lemonade, Limeade, and White Peach Bellinis are all delicious, as well, but require simple syrup. There are ways to make it without using heat, but these three recipes all include a boiling step.

And that's it. Readers, any suggestions? We would love to hear.

~~~

If you like this article, you might also be over the moon for:

Break

2011-06-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

Hi team CHG,

Thank you very much for your emails and posts. We're all okay - just on a break. Hope you're having good summers, and eating well!

Kris

Veggie Might: Wild Rice Salad with Edamame (or Fresh Fava Beans and Three Hours)

2011-05-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

Written by the fabulous Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about all things Vegetarian.

I’ve been so bored by my lunches of late: repeat appearances of grain-bean-green bowls, salad after endless green salad, and I’ve been looking for something new and exciting, but simple enough to make quickly or ahead in bulk. I was seduced by the photograph accompanying this recipe Wild Rice and Edamame Salad at Chow.com.

Mmm...wild rice and edamame. So pretty! So healthy! So springy! But when I clicked through, the secondary and tertiary ingredients were woefully disappointing. Dried fruit and nuts? Five tablespoons of oil? Honey? So sweet! So oily! So blechy! (I probably hold the minority opinion here, but bear with me.)

But I was inspired. I tossed out the original recipe and recreated the dish based on what I wanted it to be: a savory and tangy, high-protein, high-fiber salad I can take to work for lunch or serve at a picnic. I replaced almost everything except the primary wild rice and edamame.

My first attempt was still a little oily (at 2 tablespoons), so I cut back even further and found success. I’d happened on fresh fava beans at my local market and thought they’d make a delicious alternative to the edamame for my second go. I was right, but here’s the thing. You really have to want fava beans.

It took me six episodes of the Big Bang Theory to shell two pounds of beans. Do you want to know the yield of my three-hour effort? One cup of fava beans and 10 pruney fingers. While the resulting salad was delicious, it was not better than the edamame version, and certainly not worth the toil if time is precious.

Third (and fourth) time was perfection. Back to edamame, I achieved the right balance of oil to lemon juice, dressing to salad, and bean to rice. And though I found my flavor grail, I think this recipe would be equally good with leeks or shallots, parsley or mint, and lemon juice or lime—whatever your taste buds desire. Maybe even dried cranberries and honey.

~~~~

If this recipe tips your canoe, swim on over to:

~~~

Wild Rice Salad with Edamame (or Fresh Fava Beans and Three Hours)
inspired by Wild Rice and Edamame Salad at Chow.com
Serves 6

1 1/4 cup edamame, shelled (or fresh fava beans, shelled and hulls removed*)
1 cup uncooked wild rice
3 cups water
1/2 cup carrot, grated
1/2 cup celery, finely chopped
1 tablespoon + 1 teaspoon olive oil
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon leek, minced
1 tablespoon fresh mint, chopped
2 teaspoons sea salt
1 tablespoon black pepper

*Check out this informative slide show for easy, if labor-intensive, fava bean management.

1) Cook 1 cup of wild rice in 3 cups of boiling water for 40 minutes or until fluffy and tender.

2) Make dressing by whisking together 1 tablespoon olive oil, lemon juice, leeks, salt, pepper, and mint in a large mixing bowl. Allow to meld while thawing your edamame or shelling fava beans, if you’re going the martyr route.

2a) Remove fava beans from pods, and then hulls from beans. This can take a couple of hours if you're alone. Netflix helps.

3) Quick-sautee edamame or fava beans in garlic and 1 teaspoon olive oil for 1 to 2 minutes. In a mixing bowl, toss dressing, rice, and beans with carrots and celery.

4) Serve at room temperature or chilled as a side or over salad greens.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price per Serving
Edamame-style: 176.5 calories, 5.4g fat, 2.5g fiber, 3.8g protein, $49
Fava Beany: 168 calories, 4g fat, 2.3g fiber, 2.4g protein, $.61

Calculations
1 1/4 cup edamame: 236.3 calories, 10g fat, 10g fiber, 21.3g protein, $0.74
[1 cup fava beans: 187 calories, 1g fat, 9g fiber, 13g protein, $1.50]
1 cup uncooked wild rice: 571 calories, 2g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $1.33
1/2 cup carrot: 26 calories, 0g fat, 2g fiber, 0.5g protein, $0.16
1/2 cup celery: 6 calories, 0g fat, 1g fiber, 0g protein, $0.08
1 tablespoon olive oil: 159.6 calories, 18.6g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.11
1 tablespoon lemon juice: 6 calories, 0g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.12
1 tablespoon leek: 54 calories, 0g fat, 2g fiber, 1g protein, $0.25
1 tablespoon fresh mint: 0 calories, 0g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.04
2 teaspoons sea salt: negligible calories, fat, fiber, protein, $.02
1 tablespoon black pepper: negligible calories, fat, fiber, protein, $.02
TOTALS (with edamame): 1059 calories, 32.6g fat, 15g fiber, 22.8g protein, $2.87
PER SERVING (TOTALS/6): 176.5 calories, 5.4g fat, 2.5g fiber, 3.8g protein, $49

TOTALS (with fava beans): 1010 calories, 23.6g fat, 14g fiber, 14.5g protein, $3.63
PER SERVING (TOTALS/6): 168 calories, 4g fat, 2.3g fiber, 2.4g protein, $.61

Dietary Restrictions 101, Part II: Macrobiotics, Locavorism, and More

2011-05-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

For the first half of our quick guide to dietary restrictions, head to Dietary Restrictions 101, Part I: Allergies, Diabetes, and Beyond. This article was originally published in November 2009.

Being a LOCAVORE is an old concept with newfound popularity. It involves buying chow either grown or raised close to your geographic location. (A 100-mile radius is the most common parameter used.) Locavorism is better for the both the environment and your health, so you really can’t go wrong here. Call your CSA, man!
For more on locavorism, try: La Vida Locavore (Really, the title alone deserves a click.)

Do you know somebody on Atkins? Or Zone? Or, to a somewhat lesser extent, South Beach? Then you’ve encountered some of Earth’s most popular LOW-CARB diets. Folks on LCDs swap carbohydrates (breads, pasta, grains) out of their regimens, frequently for weight loss and/or health reasons. Some plans avoid carbs almost entirely. Others, like South Beach, are actually more like low-glycemic diets, meaning good carbs can be consumed in moderation.
For more on low-carb diets, try: About.com
Fun fact: I tried Atkins once. I lasted exactly five days. They were the best and worst five days of my life in that I ate a lot of bacon, but learned I could not subsist on bacon alone.

In recent years (decades, even), LOW-FAT plans have become pretty popular with dieters, since they’re a decent way to drop weight when followed correctly. They’ve been known to help gallbladder disease, gastroparesis, and fatty livers, as well. Fruit, veggies, legumes, whole grains, and lean meats are good options in low-fat diets, but beware of cutting too far back; fat is very necessary for maintaining good health.
For more on low-fat diets, try: Jackson Siegelmbaum Gastroenterology

A MACROBIOTIC diet actually sounds like a pretty good one: few processed foods, limited meat, not much fat, lots of produce, and a big emphasis on whole grains. Followers are supposed to chew slowly, eat only when hungry, and keep cooking areas clean. In a stunning twist, there’s a spiritual element to the macrobiotic diet, and adhering to the menu is apparently good for warding off disease, though some consider it a tad too restrictive.
For more on macrobiotic diets, try: Macrobiotic Guide
Fun fact: Madonna is a macrobiotic eater. Supposedly, it’s great for vogueing.

To be totally honest, I didn’t know MORMONS even had dietary restrictions until I began researching this article. But as it turns out, LDS don’t do coffee, tea, or alcohol. The Word of Wisdom also encourages grains and produce and moderation when it comes to meat. Individual adherence, as with every diet, varies.
For more on LDS diets, try: Mormon.org

MUSLIMS are forbidden from consuming pork, gelatin, booze, and blood. After that, many of the dietary restrictions relating to slaughter and certification vary on a person-by-person or region-by-region basis. The term Halaal is often associated with the Islamic diet, and simply means “lawful according to the Qur’an,” or “yes, this is okay to eat.”
For more on Muslim diets, try: The Islamic Food and Nutrition Council of America (INFANCA)
Fun fact: I live near a Halaal Chinese food place. It is, without exaggeration, the cleanest Chinese joint I've ever seen. By a country mile.

Eating ORGANIC is tricky. Organic food can be pricey, tough to find, and there’s a ton of ambiguity in the term itself. Still, there are lots of apparent benefits to whole foods grown without pesticides or the specter of genetic modification. One is less poison. Another is tastier produce. A third is supporting local farms, where lots of organic produce still comes from. The list goes on.
For more on organic food, try: Organic.com
Fun fact: I (unintentionally) misspell “organic” as “orgasmic” every now and then. Good times, especially when you’re writing about eggplant.

PHENYLKETONURICS have phenylketonuria (PKY), meaning they can’t break down the amino acid phenylalanine. It’s genetic, and U.S. babies are screened for it a few days after being born. Untreated and/or ignored, it can have some pretty serious consequences (like mental retardation), but most folks keep it under control with a low-protein, lots-o-produce diet.
For more on Phenylketonuria, try: The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development
Fun fact: Now you know what "PHENYLKETONURICS: Contains phenylalanine" means on the side of soda cans.

If you’re attempting a RAW diet, I applaud you. (Go Dan!) Because avoiding foods heated over 116°F is hard. If you’re not, here’s the lowdown: believers in the raw movement feel that cooking kills important enzymes and reduces the quantities of vitamins and minerals in food. Subsequently, the majority of raw foodies are vegetarians. They tend to prefer organic produce, and believe their regimen will ward off disease, promote health, and increase energy.
Never, ever: take away a raw foodie’s blender. He will shiv you (with a carrot).
For more on raw diets, try: Living and Raw Foods

We all need salt, but too much of it can be bad news for people with hypertension and heart disease (and slugs). RESTRICTED SODIUM (or low-salt) diets help to lessen fluid retention and maintain a decent blood pressure. This means forgoing cured meats, salty cheeses, pickled veggies, and many, many processed foods in favor of fresher edibles. Fortunately, peeps can still season the crap out of food with a variety of herbs and spices.
For more on restricted sodium diets, try: Saltwatcher
Fun fact: My friend H used to carry a salt shaker everywhere she went. If she ever called something too salty, I'd drop dead on the spot

The SLOW FOOD movement was founded in direct response to the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’amness of fast food, to further the emotional, intellectual, and physical investment of individuals in what they eat. Pretty cool, yet vague, right? Well, Slow Food USA has more details on the agricultural, cooking, and cultural aspects of the movement. Ten bucks you’ll see Alice Waters’ name come up at least twice.
For more on slow food, try: Slow Food USA

There’s a subtle, but all-important difference between vegetarians and VEGANS. While the former is free to eat dairy and eggs, the latter doesn’t consume any animal product whatsoever. Some folks go vegan for health or ethical reasons, and the benefits are said to be wondrous.
Never, ever: fear vegan food. It can be quite delicious. QUITE.
For more on veganism, try: VeganYumYum, FatFree Vegan Kitchen, and any blog or cookbook involving Isa Chandra Moskowitz
Fun fact: Famous vegans include Ellen DeGeneres, Portia DeRossi, Alice Walker, Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel, and a lot of guys in indie bands from Williamsburg.

Odds are you know at least one VEGETARIAN, if not several dozen. While there are many kinds of veg-heads (lacto-ovo vegetarian, pescetarian, etc.), most agree that eating meat is a no-no.
Never, ever: argue that vegetarians are missing out/unhealthy/dirty hippies. It’s largely untrue, and seriously starting to sound a little cliché. (With apologies to Tony Bourdain.)
For more on vegetarianism, try: Whoa, boy. Where don’t you try? I know CHG's own Leigh is a big fan of Vegetarian Times magazine, though, so it couldn’t hurt start there.

And that’s it. Sweet readers, what did I forget that you’d like to see? Is there anything I might have skewed a bit? Fire away in the comments section.

~~~

If you liked this article, you might also like:

Dietary Restrictions 101, Part I: Allergies, Diabetes, and Beyond

2011-05-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

This was originally published in November 2009. Part II to come later today.

Maybe you’ve prepared a lovely pot roast dinner, only to discover one of your guests is a lifelong vegan. Perhaps you accidentally ordered chicken parmesan for a lactose-intolerant friend with poultry allergies. Or mayhaps your 13-year-old just announced she’s now a Slow Food-oriented locavore with dreams of going completely raw by sophomore year.

At one point or another, we’ve all been confronted by dietary restrictions. Some, like vegetarianism, are commonplace enough that they don’t pose much of an obstacle anymore. But what do you feed someone on an elimination diet? Or a diabetic Mormon? Or a Muslim with Celiac Disease? What do these words even mean?

Whether they’re ethical, cultural, or medical, dietary restrictions pose certain hurdles. When confronted by one, you have three options: 1) order takeout, 2) get informed, or 3) ignore them and face the terrible consequences.

Today’s post is all about Option #2 (because #3 could get messy). It’s a quick rundown of the rules surrounding 25 common diets, coupled with resources for further investigation. Some you’ve probably heard of. Some will be totally new. Some are like, “Duh, of course a baby shouldn’t drink Bud Light.” But all should give you a basic understanding of eating Kosher, Ayurvedic, and more.

Obligatory yet exciting disclaimer: as always, I’m not a doctor, and nothing here should be interpreted as expert advice and/or the authority on the subject. If you’re concerned about feeding someone with a dietary restriction, the easiest way to gather information is to ask direct questions.

THE DIETS

If a woman is ALLERGIC to a particular food, it means her immune system goes haywire when she ingests said edible. Reactions can be relatively minor, like a scratchy throat, or comparatively major, like anaphlyaxis and death. About 12 million Americans are allergic to some type of food, most commonly nuts, fish, eggs, soy, dairy, and wheat. Never, ever give an off-limits food to someone with an allergy.
For more on food allergies, try: The Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network
Fun fact: I am allergic to Entenmann’s donut holes, yet not the donuts themselves. I call it the Crumb Topped Paradox.

Originating in India, the AYURVEDIC diet revolves around an individual’s dosha, or constitution, which is comprised of three components: Vata (wind), Pitta (fire), and Kapha (water and earth). (It’s kind of spiritual, if you didn’t get that gist.) Menus tend to be produce-oriented, extremely focused on balance and moderation, and tailored to the individual. If you know someone practicing Ayurveda, they’re probably mind-bendingly healthy.
For more on Ayurvedic diets, try: The World’s Healthiest Foods

Are you a BABY? No? Well, you were once, and there were a gazillion schools of thought about how to feed you. The same holds true today, though there are some generally accepted no-nos like honey, nuts, fish, cow’s milk, egg whites, soft cheeses, soda pop, strawberries, and foods small enough to choke on, like grapes. Beyond that, it’s largely up to parents and doctors.
For more on baby diets, try: Parents
Fun fact: Once, I ate a screw and told my parents it was a nail. Apparently, toddlers should not eat either.

People with CELIAC DISEASE are sensitive to gluten, which very negatively affects their ability to digest. They must follow a gluten-free diet, meaning they shouldn’t eat barley, rye, triticale, and wheat (“including durum, semolina, spelt, kamut, einkorn and faro”). An autoimmune disease, anyone can develop CD at any time, and the symptoms vary in severity and discomfort. Always check ingredient lists if you’re buying food for someone with Celiac.
For more on Celiac Disease diets, try: Celiac Disease Foundation

CROHN'S DISEASE is a chronic and incurable inflammation of the digestive tract resulting in diarrhea, cramping, and occasionally, malnutrition. Nobody quite knows what causes it, but it can be treated with drugs, surgery, and lifestyle changes, including a diet overhaul. Folks with Crohn’s might avoid dairy, alcohol, raw fruits, raw veggies, or gassy foods.
For more on Crohn’s Disease diets, try: the Mayo Clinic
Fun fact: I tried to write a fun fact here. It didn’t work that well.

Vegans, the lactose intolerant, and those with dairy allergies follow DAIRY-FREE diets. That means eggs are usually okay (except for vegans), but cheese, butter, yogurt, milk, milk solids, milk proteins, and milk sugars aren’t. Fortunately, the number of decent dairy substitutes (soy, rice, etc.) is growing everyday, so going sans milk isn’t quite the struggle it once was.
For more on dairy-free diets, try: Go Dairy Free

DIABETES is nothing to joke about, especially as U.S. obesity rates soar. Caused by an inability to regulate blood sugars, the most common forms of diabetes are Type 1 (juvenile diabetes), Type 2 (often related to obesity), and Gestational (found in pregnant women). Though serious consequences can arise when the disease is ignored, it can be mostly controlled with meds, constant vigilance, and the careful regulation of one’s culinary intake. Individual diabetic diets vary, so if you’re cooking for one, ask about her restrictions in advance.
For more on diabetes, try: the American Diabetes Association for information, the Mayo Clinic for recipes.

Doctors stick people on ELIMINATION DIETS to isolate foods that cause allergic reactions. Different edibles are phased out and reintroduced in hopes of finding the culprit, observing symptoms, and devising a plan of attack.
For more on elimination diets, try: WebMD

You have to go GLUTEN-FREE if you have Celiac Disease, but you don’t have to have Celiac Disease to go gluten-free. You could have Lyme Disease, dermatitis herpetiformis (a vicious skin rash), or a plain ol’ allergy to wheat, among other things. To re-iterate from a few blurbs ago, being gluten-free means eschewing wheat, rye, barley, triticale, and host of other grains on this list.
For more on gluten-free diets, try: Karina’s Kitchen or the Mayo Clinic

Spirituality plays a big role in HINDU diets. Hindus consider cows sacred and as such, don’t eat hamburgers, hot dogs, steak, or any other beef product. Many are practicing vegetarians, having been taught both nonviolence and respect for other forms of life.
For more on Hindu diets, try: Indian Foods Company
Fun fact: Annapurna is the Hindu goddess of cooking. If Indian cuisine is any indication, she totally knows what she’s doing.

There’s one gigantic difference between food allergies and food INTOLERANCE: the first affects the immune system, while the latter goes to town on your GI tract. For example, folks with lactose intolerance have a tough time breaking down and digesting milk products. Drinking a glass won’t cause anaphylaxis (a serious allergic reaction), but will be damn uncomfortable (nausea, cramps, diarrhea, etc.).
For more on food intolerance, try: WebMD. (See? It’s good for something besides diagnosing yourself with Ebola.)

Whether or not you’re Jewish, odds are you’ve eaten KOSHER food at some point, maybe in the form of a hot dog or matzoh ball. And while Kosher groceries are fairly straightforward (Go to supermarket. Look for indicative symbol. Buy mustard.), the dietary laws (or “Kashrut”) are pretty complicated. However, the big rules can be summed up as such: only consume meat that’s been properly slaughtered, always separate dairy and meat (meaning: bacon cheeseburgers are out), avoid pork and shellfish, and never cook a baby goat in its mother’s milk (perhaps not a problem for most of us). L’chaim!
For more on Kosher diets, try: Judaism 101
Fun fact: Kosher food isn’t blessed by rabbis. They are known to watch its production, however.
Funner fact: “There is no such thing as ‘kosher-style’ food. Kosher is not a style of cooking.”
Funnest fact: My grandmother never drank alcohol, except for Manischewitz. She thought it was tasty.

Part II, coming soon!

Ask the Internet: Dealing With Food Allergies?

2011-05-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

Today's question is born of a full-body rash, and it's kinda many questions.

Q: How do you deal with your food allergies? Do you cook mostly at home? Do you buy special food products? (In which case, which are your favorites?) What happens when you go out to eat? Do you alert the server or the cook? Do you find managing your allergy is an expensive undertaking? Is having it a pain in the butt, or do you barely think about it anymore?

A: Still no idea about my own outbreak of hives, but I'm super curious to read how y'all cope, and I think I might turn responses into tomorrow's article. Fire away, and thank you!

Want to ask the interweb a question? Post one in the comment section, or write to Cheaphealthygood@gmail.com. Then, tune in next Tuesday for an answer/several answers from the good people of the World Wide Net.

Peanut Dipping Sauce: Allergies Unwelcome

2011-05-23T06:37:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers! Thanks very much for being so patient with us last week while we ~~got drunk on Jagermeister~~ worked on work-stuff. It was fun doing the wayback recipe thing - I hadn't looked at some of those in quite awhile, and it made me want lassis.

I had a different post set up for today, but instead, my entire body has been possessed by ~~a zombie demon~~ a nasty case of hives. So, instead of going to work and bringing home the bacon (mmm...bacon) like a boss, I'm sitting at HOTUS' computer, awaiting a ~~swift and merciful end to my pain~~ callback from the doctor. It's very exciting, unbelievably itchy, and also kind of weird, because this has never happened before, and I don't have any allergies, as far as I know.

And now there's one on my face. ARG.

Considering the circumstances, I figured this was as good a time as any to broach the subject of allergic reactions, especially since today's dish, Peanut Dipping Sauce from Catherine Walthers' Soups + Sides, should not be eaten by those with an aversion to nuts (doy). For those without allergies, it's an easy, relatively inexpensive sauce that pairs well with satay, vegetables, and dumplings, and makes for a nice changeup to straightforward soy sauce. One batch lasted us three different meals, and I'd make it again right now if I wasn't furiously attempting to scratch my elbow off my body.

Anyway, back to that allergy thing. It's a topic we've covered only briefly here on CHG, but a very important one, since it affects the way some buy, prepare, ~~bathe in,~~ and consume food. I know several people with dairy issues, one or two with severe peanut allergies, and I grew up with a girl who was allergic to sugar. At the time, her condition seemed inconceivable and tragic (NOTE: I was eight), but now similar immune system reactions are pretty commonplace.

Happily, there are more foods and food products available for folks with allergies, though there can always be more. We'll hit that topic in tomorrow's Ask the Internet, but in the meantime: Do you have any food allergies yourself, or have loved ones with shellfish, nut, soy, or similar issues? How do you cope?

And with that, I'm off to find a spiky hairbrush, so I may vigorously remove my epidermis. Happy Monday!

~~~

If this looks dang tasty, you will also find mucho happiness with:

~~~

Peanut Dipping Sauce
Serves 6
Adapted from Catherine Walther's Soups + Sides

6 tablespoons natural creamy peanut butter
½ cup light coconut milk
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon brown sugar
2 teaspoons fresh lime juice
1-2 teaspoon grated ginger
1/2 to 1 teaspoon sriracha sauce (optional)

Mix everything thoroughly in a small bowl until smooth. Add more of any ingredient to taste as needed.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price Per Serving
110 calories, 8.7 g fat, 1 g fiber, 3.9 g protein, $0.30

NOTE: These calculations are without sriracha.

Calculations
6 tablespoons natural creamy peanut butter: 540 calories, 48 g fat, 6 g fiber, 21 g protein, $0.62
½ cup light coconut milk: 75 calories, 7 g fat, 0 g fiber, 1.5 g protein, $0.85
1 tablespoon soy sauce: 8 calories, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber, 1 g protein, $0.09
1 tablespoon brown sugar: 34 calories, 0 g fiat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.01
2 teaspoons fresh lime juice: 3 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.13
1-2 teaspoon grated ginger: 2 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.10
TOTAL: 662 calories, 52 g fat, 6.1 g fiber, 23.4 g protein, $1.80
PER SERVING (TOTAL/6): 110 calories, 8.7 g fat, 1 g fiber, 3.9 g protein, $0.30

Wayback Machine: Chocolate Cherry "Ice Cream" Popsicles

2011-05-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one, from Jaime, is from July 2010. Enjoy!

When you're in the midst of a week of high-90s days, as New York City is now, it is very easy and tempting to have all meals catered by The Messrs Ben and Jerry.

“There's no cooking,” you say. “I'm saving electricity and gas by not turning on my stove! And ice cream has dairy and protein and dark chocolate's antioxidants!”

I can't find it in my heart to counter any of those arguments, mostly because ice cream is so dang delicious. But what's one of the cardinal rules of eating green? Make it yourself!

Lucky for us, with our hotness, frugality, and environmental consciousness, there are plenty of frozen treats that can be made simply, cheaply, and to healthy and delicious effect. Even without a real ice cream maker.

I'd like to introduce you to my new favorite thing: my $1.74 clearance shelf popsicle mold.

In the last few weeks we've been through many adventures. Coconut milk and maple syrup. Arnold Palmers (that's lemonade and iced tea, my boyfriend's brilliant idea). Strong Earl Grey, coconut milk, and a little simple syrup. Pureed honeydew melon and mint. The possibilities for healthy, delicious, homemade pops are nearly endless, and I'm looking forward to a summer of popsicle experimentation.

(And yes, these are all entirely no-heating-up-your-kitchen, because you can make simple syrup in the microwave: 1 part water, 1 part sugar, microwaveable measuring cup; microwave until the sugar is dissolved, 2-3 minutes, stirring every so often.)

But so far – my favorite – the biggest hands-down, most glorious success: Cherry Chocolate "Ice Cream" Popsicles.

Food processor “ice cream” recipes abound on the internet, usually featuring frozen fruit, heavy cream, and sugar. Lately, I've been sort of obsessed with substituting coconut milk – a rich, lactose-free stand-in full of healthy fats - which tastes good just about any way you can conceive to use it. I find you don’t need the extra sugar, either, since the frozen fruit provides enough sweetness.

Variations on the food processor/fruit/coconut milk idea are infinite. Try changing the fruit. If you're down with dairy, use regular cream. If your fruit is tart or your sweet tooth is strong, add a little simple syrup. A flavorful honey might bring some magic to, say, a peach variation.

This particular mixture's creaminess gives a great texture to the popsicles but also makes it a little trickier to remove. Leave pops out at room temp for five minutes, or run the molds under warm water. Pull the sticks *gently*. If they don't come out, give them some more time. If you’re not down with that, the recipe can be served like ice cream, either straight out of the food processor or after 20 minutes or so to firm up in the freezer.

Granted, the end product isn't quite ice cream, but it's delicious, healthy, cheap, and puts a little less strain on the planet. Which is important to keep in mind, even when that damn planet and her damn seasons are putting so much strain on us.

~~~

If you like the idea of this, you might also enjoy pondering:

~~~

Chocolate Cherry “Ice Cream” Popsicles
Serves 4, at least by my popsicle molds.

8oz frozen cherries
½ c canned coconut milk (a type with emulsifiers, like guar gum, will actually do you better)
1/3 c dark chocolate chips (vegan, if that's your style)

1) Put cherries and coconut milk into bowl of food processor. Process until smooth and ice creamy.

2) Add chocolate chips, and process until mostly broken up and dispersed. (A renegade full chip never hurt anyone.)

3) Pour into molds. Freeze at least 4 hours.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price Per Serving
132 calories, 7.2g fat, 1.7g fiber, 1.2g protein, $0.81

Calculations
8oz frozen cherries: 147 calories, 0g fat, 2.7g fiber, 1.3g protein, $2.40
½ c coconut milk: 111 calories, 12.1g fat, 0.6g fiber, 1.1g protein, $0.50
1/3 c chocolate chips: 268 calories, 16.8g fat, 3.3g fiber, 2.4g protein, $0.37
TOTAL: 526 calories, 28.9g fat, 6.6g fiber, 4.8g protein $3.27
PER SERVING (total/4): 132 calories, 7.2g fat, 1.7g fiber, 1.2g protein, $0.81

Wayback Machine: Spaghetti Squash Casserole

2011-05-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from November 2007. Enjoy!

I’m turning 30 tomorrow. It’s the kind of age that brings up a lot of questions. Were my 20s spent wisely? Am I where I expected to be at this age? Why, after 90,000 days on this planet, do I still suck at buying bras? (Has Oprah taught me NOTHING?)

Being a food blogger/freak, I’ve also wondered (a LOT) how much my tastes will continue to change. Will my palate dull over time? Will I hate candy at 40? Love anise at 55? Will Werther’s Originals ever, ever appeal to me, even when I’m old enough to call Methuselah a punk kid? (“Get off mah lawn, old man!”)

My diet has become markedly different over the last decade alone, especially in the produce department. Man-oh-MAN, I did not like vegetables as a kid. But once I hit 20, they magically became somewhat appetizing. Except for spaghetti squash. That took a few more years, and here’s why...

When my brother, sister and I were growing up, Ma made us dinner nearly every night. On the rare evenings she was whisked away for work, Pa would sub in. Most of the time, he was pretty good at producing a meal for three ravenous kidlings. Burgers, pizza, pasta – the guy could handle it, no sweat.

Occasionally, he would get creative. And while most meals went over well (Chicken and Broccoli, sucka!), one blindsided us completely: Texas Chainsaw Chili and Spaghetti Squash, a.k.a. Two Terrible Tastes That Tasted Like Evil Together.

Being pale, spice-free, Swedish-Irish types, my siblings and I recoiled at the chili’s red pepper and obscene beanery. It looked like roadkill, and the flavor was about the same. The spaghetti squash was equally (and possibly actively) malevolent, possibly because we were tricked by the name into believing it would be real spaghetti. Alas, it was not. And as food was not wasted in our household, Pa made each of us sit at the dinner table until our plates were licked clean. Three hours later, I hadn’t eaten a bite, so I was sent to bed sans dinner.

Thanks to that comparatively-not-really-traumatic experience, I loathed spaghetti squash for nearly two decades. (Chili for only one.) Then, earlier this year a few friends and I traveled to Victoria BC, where we were served Spaghetti Squash Casserole. Not wanting to insult my hosts, I took a bite. And then another. And then had some wine. And then took 12 more bites. And then … you get the picture.

Was spaghetti squash always really good and I just didn’t know it, or have my tastes changed that wildly over the years? The reality of 30 is pushing me towards explanation #2, but I probably won’t be positive for another decade or so. I’ll continue to analyze and let y’all know in 2017. (Lucky you.)

Aaaaanyway, back to the food. I got this recipe from a friend, who got it from a friend, who may have read it in a cookbook. I do not know the name of the cookbook (if it exists), or I would type it right here. Instead (especially after the Jessica Seinfeld brouhaha), I will just say – THIS IS NOT MY RECIPE. But it IS good. And healthy. And cheap. And it will make you like spaghetti squash, no matter how old you are.

(SIDE NOTES: This is a good, filling main dish for company, and much tastier if you use a heavy hand with the herbs/spices. High reheat potential, too.)

Spaghetti Squash Casserole
5 servings
Adapted from a wonderful, albeit unknown source.

1 spaghetti squash (about 4 lbs.)
¼ - ½ cup seasoned breadcrumbs (or a regular breadcrumbs and many dried herbs)
1/3 cup pignoli (pine) nuts
Salt and pepper to taste
1 cup marinara sauce
1 cup shredded low-fat mozzarella

(Instructions provided by Rachel, the Cheap Healthy Gourmet)

1) Preheat oven to 400. Cover a rimmed baking sheet with tin foil and cooking spray.

2) Take a paring knife, and poke a million holes in the exterior of the squash.

3) Bake the squash until the outside is beginning to brown, and hull gets mushy. This usually took about 45 minutes or so for me (90 minutes for me - Kris), and I'd flip the squash once or twice during the process. Depending on the thickness of the shell and the size of the bugger, it may take more or less time. I'd start keeping an intermittent eye on it after about 30 minutes.

4) When brownness has been achieved, take the squash out of the oven, and allow it to cool. When it's cool enough to touch, split the beast in two lengthwise, and de-seed it; toss seeds in the trash. Then, scrape the meat out of it with a fork, dragging your utensil down lengthwise. As you scrape down, the strands should separate from the shell, so that you're just left with the hull. Put the warm strands in a bowl, and the hull in the trash.

5) While the squash is baking, toast 1/3 cup of pignoli (pine) nuts, and measure out 1/4-1/2 cup of seasoned breadcrumbs. (If you don't-a-gotta da seasoned stuff, just throw in a lot of dried parsley, basil and oregano, or whatever you like that you've got lying around.)

6) Combine squash with the pignolis, bread crumbs, and salt and pepper to taste. Put in a shallow 8"x8" (or approximate) baking dish that you've sprayed a little cooking spray on.

7) Take about 1 cup of marinara sauce, and spread like frosting across the top. Sprinkle mozzarella on top.

8) Cover with tin foil, and bake for about 10 minutes, or until bubbly. Remove tin foil, and bake for another 5. Serve and go yum.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price per Serving
287 calories, 12 g fat, $1.38

Calculations
1 spaghetti squash: 491 calories, 4.7 g fat, $2.84
¼ - ½ cup seasoned breadcrumbs: 142 calories, 1.9 g fat, $0.18
1/3 cup pignoli (pine) nuts: 270 calories, 23.7 g fat, $2.09
Salt and pepper to taste: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
1 cup marinara sauce: 172 calories, 10 g fat, $0.70
1 cup shredded low-fat mozzarella: 360 calories, 20 g fat, $1.09
TOTAL: 1435 calories, 60.3 g fat, $6.92
PER SERVING: 287 calories, 12 g fat, $1.38

Wayback Machine: Light Chicken and Mushroom Marsala

2011-05-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from March 2008. Enjoy!

One of my least favorite words in the English language is “moist.” I don’t like the way it slides off the tongue, stabbing it at the end with a sinister, pointy “t.” The sound squicks me out, like the feel of cheap velvet or foam rubbing against itself. What's more, “moist” makes even the most harmless utterances seem a little dirty. Lewd, even. I actively refrain from using it on a casual basis, especially when describing people. Because, let's face it: there's nothing creepier than, “Hey Bob, you look moist today."

This aversion is unfortunate, partly because it’s a pretty common word, but mostly due to the food blogging thing. “Moist” depicts almost every kind of well-made meal, and there are few-to-no substitutes for it. “Wet" connotes a soaking, “soggy” is too negative, and “humid," well ... let's not even discuss. It’s got to be “moist.” “Moist” means a cake is well made. “Moist” means cookies are chewy, but firm. “Moist” means you might be eating Alex’s Slightly Altered Light Chicken and Mushroom Marsala.

I got this recipe from Smitten Kitchen, who got it from the June 1995 issue of Gourmet. And man oh man, is it ever moist. It’s moist-esque. It’s the hostess with the moistest. The chicken is basically braised in broth and marsala wine, which not only imparts a marvelous flavor to the mushrooms, but y’know … the moist thing.

The original recipe called for skin-on chicken breasts and more butter than I was comfortable with. So, to cut the fat, I:

Used boneless, skinless chicken breasts.
Only used oil to sauté the mushrooms and onions, instead of a butter/oil combination.
Reduced the olive oil by a third.

It came out beautifully and went really well with egg noodles. All told, it's a classy, earthy meal-for-four under eight bucks. Not too shabby. And most definitely moist. (*cringe*)

Chicken and Mushroom Marsala
Serves 4
Adapted from Smitten Kitchen.

2 whole boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 28 oz), halved
2 teaspoons olive oil
1-1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2/3 onion, sliced thin
1/2 pound mushrooms, sliced thin
1/3 cup Marsala
2/3 cup chicken broth
1-1/2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley leaves

1) Gently pat chicken dry with paper towels. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. In a large skillet, heat oil over medium-high heat. Add chicken and brown in two separate batches. When finished with each, transfer them to a plate so juices may redistribute throughout meat.

2) Add onion and mushrooms to skillet. Cook a few minutes, until "liquid mushrooms give off is evaporated," stirring occasionally. Add Marsala. Stir. Cook until Marsala is nearly gone. Add broth, chicken, and any chicken juices pooling on plate. Simmer until chicken is fully cooked, around 15 minutes, turning once halfway through. (I had very thick cuts, and this still timed out perfectly.) Move chicken back to plate.

3) Keep the sauce simmering until it reduces to around 1/3 cup. Kill heat. Salt and pepper the sauce to taste. Add butter. Stir sauce until butter is just melted. Serve chicken with sauce. Garnish with parsley.

Approximate Calories, Fat and Price Per Serving
352 calories, 9.75 g fat, $1.63

Calculations
2 whole boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 28 oz): 875 calories, 9.9 g fat, $3.48
2 teaspoons olive oil: 79 calories, 8.9 g fat, $0.06
1-1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter: 153 calories, 17.3 g fat, $0.15
2/3 onion, sliced thin: 42 calories, 0.1 g fat, $0.32
1/2 pound mushrooms, sliced thin: 50 calories, 0.8 g fat, $1.50
1/3 cup Marsala: 142 calories, 0 g fat, $0.61
2/3 cup chicken broth: 64 calories, 2 g fat, $0.16
1-1/2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley leaves: 2 calories, 0 g fat, $0.25
TOTAL: 1407 calories, 39 g fat, $6.53
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 352 calories, 9.75 g fat, $1.63

Wayback Machine: Bruschetta Chicken Bake

2011-05-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from November 2007. Enjoy!

I realized recently, after four full months of blogging, that I’ve managed to make my Ma look like the culinary equivalent of the Miami Dolphins (painful to watch, drops the ball a lot, etc.). Really, she’s a pretty good cook. None of us were nutritionally deficient growing up, AND she managed to stay under budget, which was super-important for a young family of five in the lean times of 1981. (Stupid Reagan.) Somehow though, to the shock and awe of my friends and neighbors, she did this without ever cooking a casserole.

I’m not sure how it happened. The ‘80s were rife with casseroles. As is my understanding, every American mom with a can of Campbells and 8x8 Pyrex dish was Constitutionally required to make them. They decorated rec rooms and hung from ceilings like gooey chandeliers. I think my friends might have worn casseroles to school.

But, yeah - I never had one.

The Boyfriend looks at me funny when I mention my casserole deficiency, as if no child should grow up deprived of Congealed Cream of Mushroom Broccoli Bake. Subsequently, I’m working on developing a taste for them. Y'know, to expand my mind.

While I continue to be fairly weary of Green Bean Casserole and (*shudder*) Frito Pie, today's recipe, Bruschetta Chicken Bake, is pretty darn good. It hits the four major food groups (tomatoes, chicken, mozzarella, stuffing) and uses a pre-packaged Stove Top mix without being too preservative-laden. Plus, while I don’t think it’s an official Weight Watchers recipe, it’s a super-popular one on their message boards. Folks dig the flavor and the ease of preparation (15 minutes, tops, plus cooking time).

Since I’m still easing into Casserole World (veeeery different from Disney World), I’ll put the question out there: does anyone know of a healthy, relatively inexpensive casserole I could make, eat, and feature on this blog? Winner gets, um … something. Something awesome (which I will think of soon.)

Bruschetta Chicken Bake
6 good-sized servings
Adapted from Weight Watchers boards and/or Kraft Foods.

1 can (14-1/2 oz.) diced tomatoes, undrained
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 pkg. (6 oz.) Stove Top Stuffing Mix for Chicken
1/2 cup water
1 lb. boneless skinless chicken breast, cut into pieces
1 tsp. dried basil leaves
1 cup KRAFT part-skim Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

1) Preheat oven to 400°F.

2) In a medium mixing bowl, stir together tomatoes (with liquid), garlic, stuffing mix, and water until stuffing mix is juuuuuust moist. Set aside.

3) Arrange chicken in a single layer in a 13x9 baking dish. Top evenly with basil and cheese. Top again with stuffing mixture. Bake about 30 minutes, until stuffing is browned and chicken is fully cooked. Serve.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price per Serving
310.5 calories, 7 g fat, $0.98

Calculations
1 can (14-1/2 oz.) diced tomatoes, undrained: 75 calories, 0 g fat, $0.89
2 cloves garlic: 10 calories, 0 g fat, $0.10
1 pkg. (6 oz.) STOVE TOP Stuffing Mix for Chicken: 668 calories, 6.1 g fat, $1.99
1/2 cup water: negligible fat and calories, $0.00
1lb. boneless skinless chicken breast: 750 calories, 16.2 g fat, $1.79
1 tsp. dried basil leaves: negligible fat and calories, $0.02
1 cup KRAFT part-skim Shredded Mozzarella Cheese: 360 calories, 20 g fat, $1.09
TOTAL: 1863 calories, 42.3 g fat, $5.88
PER SERVING (TOTAL/6): 310.5 calories, 7 g fat, $0.98

Wayback Machine: Baked Apples

2011-05-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from March 2008. Enjoy!

WOW. These Baked Apples are good. Let’s just start right there. Imagine an apple pie without the annoying crust part, and you pretty much have the idea. Dairy-free, virtually fat-free, and shockingly low in calories, they could be the perfect dessert for dieters. They're DEFINITELY the perfect dessert for lactose-intolerant vegan dieters.

I made them twice in two days, and would have kept going if we didn’t run out of fruit. (Oh, cursedly weak upper arms, why can’t you hold more grocery bags?) In fact, I liked the recipe so much, I wanted to do a Letterman-esque Top Ten list in its honor. So, without further ado...

TOP TEN REASONS THESE BAKED APPLES WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF

They’re warm, tender, sweet, and generally tasty as all get out.
Also, the smell. Woof. Very nice.
The five-minute prep time doesn’t hurt, either.
They’re WAY more filling than most other desserts. This is partly because they’re fargin’ gigantic and partly because apples are rich in fiber, which makes you feel sated longer.
The recipe comes from Christopher Kimball’s The Cook’s Bible. Kimball is also the proprietor of America’s Test Kitchen and Cook’s Illustrated, and can absolutely do no wrong in my book. Case in point: he regularly sports a bowtie/apron ensemble and manages to make it look like a stunning fashion statement. (Marc Jacobs, take notes.)
They’re pretty with an interesting presentation, though you wouldn’t know it by my food photography. I’ve owned my camera for three years now, and I’m wondering if I should finally give in and read the directions.
They will impress the pants off family members.
They’re cheap! Mine came to about $0.60 per serving. That’s less than … half a load of laundry. And if it came down to it, which would you rather have, clean underwear or dessert?
Don’t answer that last question.
I’m running out of reasons here. This is usually the part where Letterman makes a bad Michael Jackson joke or something. I’ll settle for a bad regular joke:
Q: How many kids with short attention spans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Wanna ride bikes?

One quick note if you decide to make these (and please do, before apples become scarce): Kimball mentions that Red Delicious, Granny Smith and MacIntosh varieties are bad ideas for Baked Apples, since they don’t hold their shape well. He suggests Northern Spy, Macoun, or Cortland as good options. I tried Idared, since the sign specifically said “GREAT FOR BAKED APPLES,” and they worked beautifully.

Now, go! Run! Make 'em! You won't be unhappy, I promise.

Baked Apples
Serves 4
Adapted from The Cook's Bible, by Christopher Kimball.

½ cup sugar
½ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg (Double it for powdered nutmeg. – Kris)
1-1/2 cups apple cider or unfiltered apple juice
¼ teaspoon vanilla extract
½ teaspoon lemon zest
4 apples such as Northern Spy, Macoun, Cortland or Idared, washed and dried

1) Preheat oven to 350°F.

2) In a small bowl, combine sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. In a different small bowl, combine cider, vanilla and lemon zest. Set aside.

3) With an apple corer, melon baller, or teaspoon, core apples "without cutting through the bottom." (This is key.) Then, peel the top inch of each apple. (See picture.)

4) Stand apples up in a baking dish. Split sugar mixture evenly among apples and pour into hollowed cores. Pour cider mixture into the dish itself, and then cover the whole shebang with tin foil.

2) Bake for 30 minutes, "basting with cider once or twice." Check tenderness by gently stabbing the biggest apple with a knife or toothpick. If it's not tender, keep baking for as long as it takes, which could be anywhere from 40 minutes to an hour. (It depends on the general size of the apples.) Remove from oven and serve warm.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price per Serving
214 calories, 0.2 g fat, $0.61

Calculations
½ cup sugar: 387 calories, 0 g fat, $0.16
½ teaspoon cinnamon: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
¼ teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
1-1/2 cups apple cider or unfiltered apple juice: 180 calories, 0 g fat, $0.75
¼ teaspoon vanilla extract: 3 calories, 0 g fat, $0.03
½ teaspoon lemon zest: negligible fat and calories, $0.00 (you still get to use the lemon afterward)
4 apples such as Northern Spy, Macoun, Cortland or Idared, washed and dried: 287 calories, 0.9 g fat, $1.66
TOTAL: 857 calories, 0.9 g fat, $2.64
PER SERVING: 214 calories, 0.2 g fat, $0.61

Wayback Machine: Spring Soup, So Many Ways

2011-05-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one was written by Leigh last week. Blogger ate it during their 24-hour loss of service, so we're re-posting. Enjoy!

New Yorkers like their soup. Just how much was a phenomenon unfamiliar to me when I moved here in the mid-’90s and found myself serving it by the bucket to insatiable Upper West Siders. Diners based their lunch orders on the soup du jour and were often despondent if told their favorites were off-menu or, even worse, sold out.

It’s just soup, I would think, sometimes aloud to my fellow waitrons. But what did I know; I grew up eating soup from a can. Occasionally, my grandma would try to get me to eat her homemade vegetable or chicken noodle, but I rebuffed her advances. It wasn’t sodium-rich Campbell’s, and I would have none of it.

As a frugal eater-outer, soup never seemed like a good bargain. A bowl of soup can run upwards of $6 or $7 dollars in a New York restaurant. As a vegetarian, the “is there meat in it?” question is often difficult to nail. One chef/waiter’s meat-free soup is another’s fish stock surprise. A bowl of watery, mushy vegetables just didn't seem worth it.

But somewhere along my home-cooking journey, I discovered something: soup is amazing. It can be simple or complex, light or hearty, bland (in a good way) or rich. Soup is a fabulous way to get vegetables into the diet and, with few exceptions, is easy to make. I don't know what took me so long.

I stumbled on this simple, rich and light green pea soup on Chow.com a few weeks before Easter. The vibrant green color caught my eye; it looked like spring and tastes like spring: green peas, leeks, fresh mint, a squirt of lemon. The sun came out just to see if it could have a taste. With only a few ingredients, this brightly colored soup whips up quickly and makes an impressive starter or light lunch supplement.

Coincidentally, my colleague E supplied the optional crème fraîche when she whipped up a batch from scratch. It was lighter than I expected and added a delightful tanginess to the sweet peas.

Take Chow's advice to water down commercial broth, if you go that route. I didn't for my first batch, which made for a very oily soup when combined with the whole tablespoon of butter the original recipe suggests. I recommend halving the fat and using home-brewed broth (or watered down store-bought) for a less greasy mouthfeel (ew…I said mouthfeel).

Now for the variations. I've made this soup about five or six times since Easter when it made it's debut (to raves). After a couple of batches, I started changing up the veg and the herbs, and it just kept being fantastic, like changing the curtains when you want to freshen up the living room. The variations are listed below the recipe.

I finally get it. Soup is easy, delicious, and versatile, and except for the eating out part, 8 million New Yorkers can't be wrong.

~~~~

If this recipe floats your boat, paddle on over to:

~~~

Green Pea Soup
Serves 4–6
adapted from Green Pea Soup from Chow.com

1/2 tablespoon unsalted butter or olive oil
1 medium leek, root trimmed, halved lengthwise, and thinly sliced (white and light green parts only)
2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus more as needed
2 1/2 cups homemade vegetable broth or 1 cup low-sodium store-bought vegetable broth mixed with 1 1/2 cups water*
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more as needed
3 cups shelled fresh peas (from about 2 1/2 pounds of peas in their pods) or 16 ounces frozen peas, thawed**
1/4 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves***
1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice, plus more as needed
Crème fraîche, optional

1) Heat olive oil or butter in heavy bottomed sauce pan. Saute leek in oil with pinch of salt. Add broth and bring to boil.

2) Add green peas, remaining salt, and black pepper. Return to boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 5 minutes.

3) Remove from heat, stir in mint (or parsley), and allow flavors to meld for 10 minutes or so.

4) Transfer soup to a blender and puree in batches until smooth. Add lemon juice to tasted.

5) Serve hot or cold with a dollop of crème fraîche or a sprinkle of finely chopped mint or parsley.

Broccoli Potato Variation
Makes 6 servings
* 4 cups vegetable broth
** 12 ounces broccoli, chopped + 8 ounces, red bliss potatoes, washed and chopped into 1/8" dice

At step 2, add broccoli and potatoes, remaining salt, black pepper. Return to boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 10 minutes or until potatoes are soft.

Cauliflower Variation
** 16 ounces frozen cauliflower, thawed
***1/4 cup parsley

At step 2, add cauliflower, remaining salt, and black pepper. Return to boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 5 minutes.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price per Serving
Green Pea (four servings): 131.8 calories, 1.9g fat, 5.5g fiber, 6.6g protein, $.78
Broccoli Potato (six servings): 85 calories, 1g fat, 4g fiber, 3.6g protein, $.59
Cauliflower (four servings): 71 calories, 1.9g fat, 3.8g fiber, 3.6g protein, $.73

Calculations
1/2 tablespoon butter: 70 calories, 7.5g fat, 0g fiber, 0.5g protein, $0.08
1 medium leek: 54 calories, 0g fat, 2g fiber, 1g protein, $0.25
2 teaspoons kosher salt: negligible calories, fat, fiber, protein, $.02
2 1/2 cups homemade vegetable broth: 50 calories, 0.25g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.48
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper: negligible calories, fat, fiber, protein, $.02
16 ounces frozen peas: 350 calories, 0g fat, 20g fiber, 25g protein, $2.19
[12 ounces broccoli: 164 calories, 0g fat, 20g fiber, 16g protein, $1.32]
[8 ounces red potato: 140 calories, 0g fat, 4g fiber, 4g protein, $1.00]
[16 ounces cauliflower: 108 calories, 0g fat, 9g fiber, 9g protein, $1.99]
1/4 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves: 0 calories, 0g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.08
1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice: 3 calories, 0g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.00

Note: One teaspoon of crème fraîche per serving adds 7.7 calories and .7g fat.

Green Pea Soup
TOTALS: 527 calories, 7.75g fat, 22g fiber, 26.5g protein, $3.12
PER SERVING (TOTALS/4): 131.8 calories, 1.9g fat, 5.5g fiber, 6.6g protein, $.78

Broccoli Potato Soup
TOTALS: 511 calories, 8g fat, 26g fiber, 21.5g protein, $3.53
PER SERVING (TOTALS/6): 85 calories, 1g fat, 4g fiber, 3.6g protein, $.59

Cauliflower Soup
TOTALS: 285 calories, 7.75g fat, 15g fiber, 14.5g protein, $2.92
PER SERVING (TOTALS/4): 71 calories, 1.9g fat, 3.8g fiber, 3.6g protein, $.73

Wayback Machine: Oh, My Sweet Lassi

2011-05-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from November 2007. Enjoy!

In the two years following college, I lived semi-large with three ladyfriends in a medium-sized Brooklyn apartment. We had starter jobs, very little money, and an unnatural obsession with singing Jock Jams in Ross Perot voices. (Try it! It's fun.) We were also not very interested in cooking, except for K.

Born in upstate New York, K was the only one who actually used our pots and pans. She bought things like “produce,” and “dairy products.” A few times, she whipped up this Saltine-butter-chocolate dessert that I can’t even think of without salivating all over my desk. (Seriously, Saltines? Who knew they didn’t have to taste like drywall?) One of her favorite concoctions, which I had never heard of at the time, and now order/make at every opportunity, was the lassi.

Essentially a thick Indian yogurt drink, lassis are intended to calm taste buds during a spicy meal. But, much like its fruity cousin the mango lassi, the sweet lassi is also delicious on its own.

While there were a bazillion options online, the recipe attached below is adapted from the Whole Foods website. It seemed simple enough, and turned out well. Only changes: I used low-fat yogurt and cut out the rosewater, since, uh, I don’t know what it is or where to find it. (I will rectify this situation for next time.)

Nowadays, K is married to a wonderfully awesome dude, who I am sure is benefiting from her years of experience and experiments. I wish I had appreciated it more when we were roomies. (Besides the Saltine thing. I appreciated that constantly.)

P.S. Just to clarify - this is NOT a milkshake. It is a yogurt drink. If you do not like yogurt, you will vomit profusely.

Sweet Lassi
Serves 2 (12 oz each) or 3 (8 oz each)
Adapted from Whole Foods.

2 cups plain lowfat yogurt
1/2 cup cold water
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom
6 ice cubes

1) Blend yogurt, water, sugar, and cardamom together until smooth. Add ice cubes and blend again, until mixture is smooth. Serve cold.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price per Serving
2 servings: 248 calories, 3.8 g fat, $0.65
3 servings: 165 calories, 2.5 g fat, $0.43

Calculations
2 cups plain lowfat yogurt: 309 calories, 7.6 g fat, $1.15
1/2 cup cold water: negligible fat and calories, $0.00
1/4 cup sugar: 186 calories, 0 g fat, $0.06
1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom: negligible fat and calories, $0.08
6 ice cubes: negligible fat and calories, $0.00
TOTAL: 495 calories, 7.6 g fat, $1.29
PER SERVING (TOTAL/2): 248 calories, 3.8 g fat, $0.65
PER SERVING (TOTAL/3): 165 calories, 2.5 g fat, $0.43

Wayback Machine: Sublime Fruit Salad with Mint

2011-05-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

Fruit salad always seems like a good idea for picnics and barbecues. It’s beautiful; it’s summery; and unless it’s overrun with marshmallows and bananas (barf), it’s yummy. However, one thing you can count on when you take fruit salad to a party: you’ll be taking it right back home.

You can be assured there will be no leftover cheese, no leftover guacamole. Crudités has slightly better odds if it is accompanied by a good dip, but fruit salad…unless there is just no other food, you’ll be eating it for breakfast the next few days.

Unless you make this fruit salad: based on Giada de Laurentiis’ Watermelon and Cantaloupe Salad with Mint Vinaigrette. It is seriously the best fruit salad ever. And there is nary a marshmallow (or banana) in sight.

I’ve made this salad several times, with various fruit combinations, and it never fails to please. Last summer, I made it for my birthday beach party, and two summers ago for a bridal shower fiesta. My mother even borrowed the recipe and wowed her Bible study group.

But never has it received the laud it got at the BBQ baby shower on Saturday. (No babies were BBQ’d, only meat and veggie burgs.) This gorgeous bowl of fruit went as quickly as the cheese platter and almost as fast as the guacamole. People were begging (okay, two people asked nicely) for the leftovers, of which there were few.

Luckily, it’s so, so easy, and cheap if the fruit you choose is in season. I strayed from the recommended melons, because A) I couldn’t find a watermelon that looked good and 2) I dislike cantaloupe almost as much as bananas. You can make this with any fruit you like.

Berries are fabulously in season up NYC way. For fun and color contrast, I threw in a mango and a peach. (For the crowd, I also doubled the recipe you see below; it’s easy to scale.)

Now, Giada’s giant smile calls for 1/4 cup of simple syrup for 4 cups of fruit. Hold up, pretty lady. That’s too much sugar, and, if you ask me, why most people avoid fruit salad. I cut the amount of syrup in half, even though I upped the amount of fruit by about a cup.

Otherwise, I kept the proportions the same. I also subbed almond extract for amaretto, since I didn’t have the liqueur on hand. There is probably some reason I should not have made the substitution in equal amounts, but it worked.

It’s a truly sublime concoction. Be prepared to give out the recipe and if you want some for yourself at home, make extra. That way you can still have fruit salad for breakfast.

Sublime Fruit Salad with Mint
Adapted from Watermelon and Cantaloupe Salad with Mint Vinaigrette by Giada de Laurentiis.
Yields approx 10 1/2-cup servings

1 pt strawberries, sliced
1 pt blueberries
1 mango, peeled and cubed
1 peach, peeled and cubed
1/8 cup simple syrup (see instructions)
1/4 cup lime juice (about 3 limes)
1/2 cup fresh mint, chopped
1/8 tsp almond extract

1) Make simple syrup and chill while prepping fruit.

2) Simple syrup = 1 part sugar to 1 part water. Bring water to a boil, stir in sugar until dissolved completely. Remove from heat and allow to cool.

3) Wash, peel, and chop fruit as desired.

4) In a blender, combine simple syrup, lime juice, chopped mint, and almond extract.

5) Toss syrup over fruit.

6) Chill (overnight is good) and serve. Practice saying, “thank you.” You’ll be getting lots of compliments.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price per Serving
56.6 calories, .1g fat, $.60

Calculations
1 pt strawberries: 98 calories, 0g fat, $1.99
1 pt blueberries: 168 calories, 0g fat, $2.50
1 mango: 87 calories, 0g fat, $.75
1 peach: 68 calories, 0g fat, $.19
1/8 cup simple syrup: 104.6 calories, 0g fat, $.07
1/4 cup lime juice: 28.5 calories, .1g fat, $.30
1/2 cup fresh mint: 40 calories, 1g fat, $.50
1/8 tsp almond extract: negligible calories and fat, $.04
Totals: 594 calories, 1.1g fat, $6.34
Per Serving (Totals/10): 59.4 calories, .11g fat, $.63

Wayback Machine: Strawberry Rhubarb Crisp - A Multiple Choice Quiz

2011-05-18T07:08:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from April 2010. Enjoy!

Please mark off the following questionnaire with a #2 pencil. Should that process begin to cause excessive damage to your computer, you may point to your answers onscreen.

This dish seems familiar because:

A) Déjà vu.
B) Leigh posted a similar Strawberry Rhubarb Crumble less than a year ago, and Kris (that’s me) forgot to double check when she was making the recipe. Doy.
C) It is your father.

Rhubarb and strawberries are/is:

A) Mellifluous.
B) Almost in season, and natural sweet/tart compliments for each other.
C) Peaches and Herb’s original name.

The difference between a crisp and a crumble is:

A) Inconsequential.
B) Nothing really, though crumble topping may be a bit more substantial than a crisp. Or maybe it’s the other way around? I forget.
C) Like the difference between Britney Spears and Beverly Sills! How dare you ask such a question, you culinary dilettante! Now abscond from my courtyard, and never use my bidet again!

The recipe comes from:

A) Yemen.
B) Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, which we discussed at length last week, to discover that it’s okay to take baby steps when it comes to ethical eating.
C) “The darkest depths of Mordor / I met a girl so fair / But Gollum, and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her, her, her....yeah.”
D) None of the above, especially Answer C, which consisted entirely of semi-appropriate Led Zeppelin lyrics.
E) And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.

The 1987 pilot of 21 Jump Street is:

A) Awesome.
B) Notable for launching the career of one John Depp, a dashing young actor who would remain impossibly attractive for the ensuing two-and-a-half decades.
C) Really awesome, because the cops regularly say things like, “It’s not against the law to be afraid.”
D) Really really awesome, because every “high school student” is at least 35-years-old and a dorky sophomore recovers from his heroin addiction and overdose in a single day.
E) Really really really awesome, because after a particularly harrowing police car chase, Mr. Depp breaks for a saxophone solo while the voice of his dead father is piped in over the smooth jazz stylings.
F) In my pants.

People who text and drive, especially on highways and major roads:

A) Duh.
B) Should be heavily fined and have their licenses revoked.
C) Should have their cars pelted with rotten oranges. This will A) teach a lesson and B) do less damage than the humans they will otherwise inevitably hit.

The best Golden Girl is:

A) Dorothy.
B) Sophia.
C) Rose.
D) Not Blanche.

Thank you for taking our quiz. The answer to every question was Z.

~~~

If you like this recipe, you might also be tantalized by:

~~~

Individual Strawberry Rhubarb Crisps
Serves 4.
Adapted from Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.

2 cups halved strawberries (or cut into thirds if it’s a big strawberry)
2 cups rhubarb, chopped
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup rolled oats
1/4 cup light brown sugar
1/4 – 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon allspice
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened (NOT melted)

1) Preheat oven to 375ºF.

2) In a medium bowl, combine strawberries, rhubarb, and honey. Stir to coat. Even distribute among four 6-ounce ramekins.

3) In a separate bowl, combine flour, oats, brown sugar, cinnamon, and allspice. Stir. Cut butter into smaller pieces. Add butter to flour mixture. Using a fork or pastry blender, mash butter and flour mixture until medium-sized crumbs are formed. Sprinkle crumbs evenly on top of the four ramekins.

4) Place ramekins on a baking sheet. (For easier portability!) Bake about 35 minutes, or until rhubarb can be easily pierced with a knife. Topping should be browned and mixture should be bubbly. Remove from oven and let cool a few minutes. (Trust on this one.) Serve!

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price Per Serving
234 calories, 6.6 g fat, 3.5 g fiber, 2.6 g protein, $0.96

Calculations
2 cups halved strawberries: 97 calories, 0.9 g fat, 6.1 g fiber, 2 g protein, $1.33
2 cups rhubarb, chopped: 51 calories, 0.5 g fat, 4.4 g fiber, 2.2 g protein, $1.70
1/4 cup honey: 255 calories, 0 g fat, 0.2 g fiber, 0.3 g protein, $0.40
1/4 cup flour: 114 calories, 0.3 g fat, 0.8 g fiber, 3.2 g protein, $0.04
1/4 cup rolled oats: 74 calories, 1.5 g fat, 2 g fiber, 2.5 g protein, $0.14
1/4 cup light brown sugar: 137 calories, 0 g fat, fiber, or protein, $0.05
1/4 – 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon: 3 calories, 0 g fat, 0.6 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.01
1/4 teaspoon allspice: negligible calories, fat, fiber, and protein, $0.04
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened: 204 calories, 23 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0.2 g protein, $0.12
TOTAL: 935 calories, 26.2 g fat, 14.1 g fiber, 10.4 g protein, $3.83
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 234 calories, 6.6 g fat, 3.5 g fiber, 2.6 g protein, $0.96

Wayback Machine: Easy Vegetarian Bean Chili - A Play in Two Acts

2011-05-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from November 2008. Enjoy!

When: Fall, 1986

Where: A small suburban kitchen in Long Island, New York.

Who:

Kris, a precocious, bespectacled eight-year-old who is already four feet taller than every single one of her peers.
L, a Barbie-loving, bespectacled seven-year-old who is already much, much better at sports than her sister Kris.
E, a somewhat adorable five-year-old who is already becoming the terror of his sisters and the neighborhood bullfrogs alike.
Pa, a bearded, loving 37-year-old who’s already running out of culinary options, having been left to feed his children while his wife is stuck at work.

The kids are scattered all over the house. Pa calls them to dinner.

PA: Kids! Dinner!

KRIS: Coming!

L: Coming!

E: *mmph*

PA: E, please get He-Man out of your mouth and come to dinner.

E: Okay.

The kids assume their regular seats at the table. Pa places the evening’s meal in front of them.

L: What is this?

PA: It’s spaghetti squash and Texas Chainsaw Chili. Try it. You’ll like it.

KRIS: Are there hot dogs in it?

PA: No.

KRIS: Macaroni and cheese?

PA: No.

KRIS: But it’s SPAGHETTI squash?

PA: Yes.

KRIS: Okay then. (Tries it.) AUUUUUGHHH! THIS ISN’T SPAGHETTI!

PA: It’s a vegetable, Kris. It’s not really … Okay. Let’s move on. Take a bite of the chili, everybody.

L: I don’t wanna. It looks like guts.

KRIS: Yeah. Bug guts.

E: I’m scared Daddy.

PA: TRY. IT.

Each kid spoons a microscopic smattering of chili into their reluctant mouths. Each reacts with the same level of consummate revulsion.

KRIS: I want hot dogs.

L: I want Mommy.

E: I want He-Man.

PA: Okay, look. Nobody leaves the table until your plate is CLEARED.

L: What if we have to go to the bathroom?

PA: EAT YOUR DINNER.

E takes a few hesitant bites, then wolfs the remaining vittles. A similar plate-clearing takes L over an hour.

L: Done! Bye.

Three hours pass. Kris remains at the table, food untouched.

PA: Kris, it’s time for bed.

KRIS: But … but …

PA: It won’t kill you, my child. I promise. Eat it.

KRIS: Nooooooo.

PA: Okay then. Bedtime.

KRIS: (makes sure Pa’s back is turned, then whispers to still-full bowl) Never again, chili. Henceforth, you are my one true foe. Your evil shalt not pass these lips for the rest of time.

PA: Huh?

KRIS: Nothing. G’night, Pa!

Cut to 22 years later. Kris is sitting with The Boyfriend on their couch, watching The Biggest Loser and hoping – nay, praying – that Vicky falls into a vat of 80-calorie Banana Fudge Sundae pudding, never to return. Both Kris and TB are eating Cook’s Illustrated’s Easy Vegetarian Bean Chili.

KRIS: You know, I used to hate this stuff.

TB: What, reality TV?

KRIS: Well, that too. But mostly chili.

TB: Really? It runs through my veins. Like chunky, delicious blood.

KRIS: Once, I sat at a table for an entire night because I wouldn’t touch it.

TB: You’re weird.

KRIS: Thanks.

They resume eating the chili, and Kris wonders how she could have ever been so thick. As if to punctuate her deep, dark thoughts, The Boyfriend lets out a long, low fart. They both smile happily, thankful that life can be so good.

-fini-

Easy Vegetarian Bean Chili
Serves 4 – 6
Adapted from Cook's Illustrated Best 30-Minute Recipe.

CI Note: A combination of beans is better in this (kidney, black, pinto, whatever). Also, don't sub in anything for the pureed diced tomatoes, as the consistency is vital.

1 (28-ounce) can diced tomatoes
2 (15-ounce) cans beans (see note), rinsed
2-3 teaspoons minced chipotle chiles in adobo sauce
2 teaspoons sugar
salt and ground black pepper
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 onion, minced
3 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
3 garlic cloves, minced
1-1/2 cups frozen corn, thawed
2 tablespoons minced fresh cilantro

1) Pour tomatoes and the accompanying juices in a food processor. Pulse 4 or 5 times, until it's kinda chunky.

2) In a large saucepan, combine tomatoes, beans, chipotles, sugar, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Stir and cover. Heat over high until it starts boiling. Drop heat to medium-low and simmer for the time being.

3) In a different large saucepan or Dutch oven, heat oil over medium heat. When very hot, add onion, chili powder, cumin, and 1/4 teaspoon salt. Stir. Saute until onions are soft and a little translucent, around 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add garlic. Stir. Saute until fragrant, 30 seconds to 1 minute.

4) Pour tomato mixture into onion pot. Scrape browned bits with the back of your spoon, if you have 'em. Drop heat to medium-low and cook about 15 minutes, until chili has a more chili-like consistency. Stir occasionally.

5) After 15 minutes, add corn and cilantro. Stir. Heat until corn is warmed through. Salt and pepper to taste. Serve.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
For five servings: 292 calories, 7.9 g fat, $1.08

Calculations
1 (28-ounce) can diced tomatoes: 163 calories, 0 g fat, $1.89
2 (15-ounce) cans beans (see note), rinsed: ~680 calories, ~6 g fat, $1.50
2-3 teaspoons minced chipotle chiles in adobo sauce: 6 calories, 0.1 g fat, $0.30
2 teaspoons sugar: 33 calories, 0 g fat, $0.02
salt and ground black pepper: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
2 tablespoons vegetable oil: 247 calories, 28 g fat, $0.18
1 onion, minced: 46 calories, 0.1 g fat, $0.30
3 tablespoons chili powder: 71 calories, 3.8 g fat, $0.12
2 teaspoons ground cumin: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
3 garlic cloves, minced: 13 calories, 0 g fat, $0.12
1-1/2 cups frozen corn, thawed: 199 calories, 1.6 g fat, $0.60
2 tablespoons minced fresh cilantro: negligible calories and fat, $0.33
TOTAL: 1458 calories, 39.6 g fat, $5.39
PER SERVING (TOTAL/5): 292 calories, 7.9 g fat, $1.08

Wayback Machine: Roasted Chickpeas - Right Way, Wrong Way

2011-05-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Sweet readers, we're taking the week off to catch up on some real-life work. In the meantime, we're re-posting some of our favorite recipes and essays. This one is from April 2008. Enjoy!

Mornin’ everybody! Hope y’all had a lovely weekend, and that the weather was half as nice as it was here in Brooklyn: blooming trees, perfect skies, visible patch of grass – the whole nine. Even our neighborhood Incredibly Frightening Drunk Who Hangs Out 24-7 at the Last Remaining Pay Phone on Earth was suitably enchanted.

My weekend was fantastic, spoiled only briefly by a botched attempt at Roasted Chickpeas. I got ‘em right the second time around, but wanted to transcribe the wrong directions, just in case anyone ever attempts them. Here goes:

1) Comb Food Blog Search for acceptable Roasted Chickpea recipe.

2) Settle on Roasted Chickpeas at Anne’s Food. Revel in Scandinavian…ness, as she is fellow Swede.

3) Resolve to visit Sweden, see if everyone is really blonde/lithe.

4) Rinse and dry chickpeas. Place on cookie sheet. Place in preheated 425ºF oven.

5) As chickpeas roast, play Scrabulous with friend F. Watch in horror as F spells “EQUATES” and “SLUGGED” one after the other, scoring 86 and 79 points, respectively.

6) Retaliate with “NOOSE,” as F has just essentially hanged you.

7) Resolve to start socializing with dumber people.

8) Attempt to remove chickpeas from roasting vessel. Instead, spill entire pan in oven.

9) Gnash teeth. Traumatize backyard squirrel with volume of yelled obscenities.

10) One by one, painstakingly pick 150 chickpeas out of ancient, formerly scorching oven, taking care not to burn digits and/or face off by accidentally leaning on blazing surface.

11) Burn digit and/or face off by accidentally leaning on blazing surface.

12) Yell more obscenities. Resolve to enroll backyard squirrel in therapy.

13) Realize (with horror) oven has not been cleaned since the Paleozoic era.

14) Resolve to clean oven.

15) Realize you will never clean oven.

16) Resolve to get roommate to clean oven.

17) Realize roommate will never, ever clean oven, as roommate rarely cleans anything.

18) Ponder life.

19) Attempt recipe again, using correct directions (listed below).

20) Succeed!

21) Lose Scrabulous by record 4 billion points. Remain happy due to ultra-cheap, highly tasty chickpea recipe.

Roasted Chickpeas
4 servings
Adapted from Anne's Food.

1 14.5 oz can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1 teaspoon olive oil
¼ - ½ teaspoon salt (1/2 will be very salty. - Kris)
5 dashes cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon cumin

1) Preheat oven to 425°F.

2) Place chickpeas on baking/cookie sheet. Roast for 10 minutes. Shake the pan. (Do not spill on kitchen floor.) Roast another 10 minutes.

3) In a medium bowl, combine chickpeas, oil, salt, and spices. Stir well to combine.

4) Spread chickpeas back out on baking sheet. Roast between 5 and 15 more minutes, until they're browned and super crunchy. Serve.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
135 calories, 4.3 g fat, $0.15

Calculations
1 14.5 oz can chickpeas: 500 calories, 4.8 g fat, $0.50
1 teaspoon olive oil: 39 calories, 4.5 g fat, $0.03
¼ - ½ teaspoon salt: negligible calories and fat, $0.01
5 dashes cayenne pepper: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
1 teaspoon cumin: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
TOTAL: 539 calories, 9.3 g fat, $0.58
PER SERVING: 135 calories, 4.3 g fat, $0.15

Playin' Hooky

2011-05-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

Sweet Readers,

Jaime, Leigh, and I are taking the week to play hooky, a.k.a. Catch Up With Real-life Work Stuff. But don't touch that dial! (Type that other URL?) We'll be posting some of our favorite recipes from the archives, which your face won't want to miss out on.

Hope you have a lovely week, and we'll see you Monday!

Kris

5 Ways to Get Your Parents (Or Anyone, Really) to Try New Foods

2011-05-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

We've all been there with our parents – the same ol' restaurant, with the same ol' menu– because they're reluctant to try something new, strange, or simply unappealing. And there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that, per se. People like what they like, and odds are, your parents' eating habits have been pretty set for decades.

But wouldn't it be nice to try something else for a change?

Convincing your folks to move on to new cuisines and cultures can be a wonderful experience for all involved, and not just because kimchee is awesome. "Ethnic" foods, or foods found outside your traditional cuisine, are frequently:

Less expensive: When HOTUS and I order Chinese takeout, we can turn $15 into dinner that night and lunch for the office the next day. While not as cheap as home cooking, it's darn comparable.
Healthier: Okay, so the ghee (clarified butter) in Chicken Korma won't put it on the happy side of the Eat This, Not That list, but non-traditional dishes can often pack in vegetables, lean cuts of meat, and healthy oils. Compared especially to most American-style restaurant meals, ethnic food is frequently a lighter choice.
Educational: By eating foods outside of your customary cultural cuisine, you're exposing yourself to a new world of ingredients, flavor combinations, and styles of preparation, which you can then implement at home.
Delicious: Mmm. Take two bites of baba ghanoush and call me in the morning.

But then again, we're not talking about you here, are we? We're talking about your parents – wonderful people, to be sure, but not necessarily the most daring of eaters. So, how can you get your beloved Ma and Pa to dig into falafel, injera bread, and even sushi (or "bait," as a certain family member calls it)? Try five these strategies:

1) Pay for it. Sometimes, older folks (actually, any folks) simply don't want to blow money on something they're not sure they'll like. So, pick an inexpensive restaurant and treat 'em. Think of it as an adventure you don't need hiking boots for.

2) Start at home. Prepping a meal for mom? Throw in a teriyaki side dish or a plate of pierogies. By surrounding a new food with ones she likes, it may seem more approachable.

3) Order a gateway food. Introducing your parents to a mild dish – one with a less-assertive flavor, similar to a recipe they might already love. Pad Thai is way Americanized, but it's an effective tool for getting reluctant eaters into more daring Thai Food. For me, lassis and samosas were the gateway dishes to a lot of delicious Indian cuisine.

SPECIAL NOTE: This can be a way effective strategy for people with an aversion to spice, which was probably the most-cited fear in yesterday's Ask the Internet comments. Feeding your parents a super-mild quesadilla proves to them that all Mexican food isn't a five-alarm chili, which could encourage them to attempt other dishes.

4) Embrace media. This might sound lame (I hope not), but for many folks, seeing a dish in a magazine, on a TV show, or at the movies – when it's been styled and served in the best possible light by super-attractive people – can make it seem tremendously appealing. I wonder how many parents wanted an Italian meal after watching Julia Roberts slurp spaghetti in Eat Pray Love? Or how many folks decided Indian food could be super-awesome after 30 minutes of Aarti's Party? Or how many moms and dads tried matzoh ball soup for the first time after seeing a glossy photo in Saveur? Probably a lot.

5) Know when to accept defeat. My dad will never, ever, ever develop a love of curry, no matter how many "mmm … slurp … ahhh" sounds I make while eating a big ol' bowl of it. And that is totally, 100% fine. Not everyone has similar tastes, and pushing a loved one too hard can (seriously) get pretty annoying. Food should be a joy, not a struggle. Move on.

Opening parents - and anyone, really - up to new cuisines, and as a result, new cultures, is something from which we can all benefit. Happy eating.

Readers? Comments? Questions? Suggestions? Fire away.

~~~

If you enjoyed this read, you might also dig:

Green Kitchen: The Cheap Healthy Guide to Canned Tuna for the Planet and Your Mouth (or Something)

2011-05-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Green Kitchen is a bi-weekly column about nutritious, inexpensive, and ethical food and cooking. It's penned by the lovely Jaime Green.

Eating delicious meat cheaply and environmentally is not easy. Grass-fed beef often starts at $7 or $8 a pound in New York City, and shows up twice or three times that at the farmers market. Fresh and frozen fish see the same price points, as do pork and lamb.Chicken is cheaper but chicken gets boring.

Which brings us to my recent love affair with canned tuna.

It is full of protein, super-cheap, easy to prepare, and does not send my fish-allergic boyfriend into fits with its cooking fumes. But while my local Whole Foods handily grades its butchered meat and fresh fish, cans of tuna are harder to suss out.

Well, harder to suss out unless you’re at a computer. The Environmental Defense Fund has a handy ranking of seafood choices based on eco-friendliness, and canned tuna is included. (The fish’s page also includes health concerns for adults and children, related to tuna’s mercury content.)

Canned tuna tends to come in two varieties – Albacore, or white, and “light,” which can be one (or several) of several tuna varieties. When it comes to what’s good for the planet, US or Canadian Albacore is tops, with general canned white and canned light both scoring the “eco-ok” middle rating.

In terms of mercury content, Albacore’s is higher, and so should be consumed less frequently, especially by kids. (The EDF recommends children under 6 eat it no more than once a month, and sets the limit for kids 6-12 at twice a month. Adults can handle it more often more safely.) Canned light (as long as the label doesn’t include Yellowfin tuna, which has about the same mercury as Albacore) is okay for younger kids about three times a month, and once a week or so for older children.

(The EDF page on mercury in canned tuna recommends canned salmon as a healthier option – "not only because the fish are low in contaminants and high in heart-healthy omega-3s, but also because they are sustainably caught” – but I haven’t fallen in love with that taste yet.)

I was relieved to learn – admitted months after getting back into the tuna habit – that this convenient can really isn’t such a bad option. (I’m not feeding any babies nor planning on gestating one any time soon.)

There is, of course, also the issue of taste.

I’d been buying store-brand canned tuna from Whole Foods, mostly out of a mostly-blind-faith sense that their fish would be more sustainability-minded than the StarKist or whatever I could get at my local supermarket, and for $1.39 a can (versus 99 cents or so), it wasn’t too bad a price. (According to Whole Foods’ website, both of their tuna varieties are caught responsibly, and are relatively low in mercury.)

But then I started worrying that I was a snob. And chunk light tuna was on sale for 75 cents a can at the supermarket. I bought two.

I kinda wish I’d saved that second seventy-five cents.

Whereas my fancy-pants Whole Foods tuna shows its extra 64 cents in nice chunks of recognizable fish flesh and easily drained water, the cheapo can started to splurt out fish puree as soon as I tried to drain it mid-can-opening. Inside that (five-ounce, rather than WF’s six) can I found fishy mush. It tasted okay, though the texture was alarming, and why does a can of tuna need vegetable broth in the ingredients? I will be sticking to my ever-so-slightly pricier chunk tuna from now on, thank you. And enjoying it (not too many times in a week) guilt-free.

Although I’m a big fan of standard tuna salad (with, sorry Kris, mayo, and plenty of diced celery), I’m always looking for ways to do it different, and with more vegetables. This recipe from TheKitchn scores on both counts – shredded raw cabbage adds a great crispness, and fresh herbs makes everything springy. I changed the original up a bit, first of all using one can of tuna for one big, healthy, satisfying serving, and second choosing dill over chives. (It was what I had on hand, it is delicious, and it goes well with the yogurt that subs in for some mayo. Kris, you’re welcome.)

I’ll probably slow down my tuna habit a bit now for mercury concerns, but when I do go for it, this is a super-easy and healthy way to appreciate – and eat – that beloved chicken of the sea. Especially when I’m a little sick of land-chicken.

~~~

If this looks good, you'll love:

~~~

Crisp Cabbage and Tuna Salad
Serves 1
Adapted from TheKitchn.

1 5- or 6-can of tuna, drained (calculations reflect Whole Foods Tongol tuna)
1/4 a medium head of cabbage, cored chopped finely (about two cups)
1 ½ T mayonnaise (you could use reduced-fat to save calories, but don’t lie, it tastes awful)
2 T Greek yogurt (I used 2% fat)
1/3-1/4 c chopped dill
salt and ground pepper to taste (this works well with a lot of pepper)

1) Combine everything in a bowl.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price Per Serving
335 calories, 17.1g fat, 4.5g fiber, 32.9g protein, $2.04

Calculations
1 6-ounce can of tuna: 120 calories, 0g fat, 0g fiber, 28g protein, $1.39
1/4 medium cabbage: 44 calories, 0g fat, 4.4g fiber, 2.3g protein, $0.25
1 1/2 T mayonnaise: 150 calories, 16.5g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.10
2 T 2% fat Greek yogurt: 19 calories, 0.6g fat, 0g fiber, 2.5g protein, $0.20
1/4 c dill: 2 calories, 0g fat, 0.1g fiber, 0.1g protein, $0.08
Salt and pepper: 0 calories, 0g fat, 0g fiber, 0g protein, $0.02
TOTAL: 335 calories, 17.1g fat, 4.5g fiber, 32.9g protein, $2.04
PER SERVING: 335 calories, 17.1g fat, 4.5g fiber, 32.9g protein, $2.04

Ask the Internet: Parents and Ethnic Food

2011-05-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

ETA @ 4:40pm EST: You guys, I'm an idiot, and I should have phrased this differently, to be more inclusive of various cultures. (Something like what commenter frabjous suggested: "Do your parents eat foods from cultural traditions other than their own") I apologize, and hope we can re-consider the question from that point of view.

Today's question comes from the new knowledge that my mom likes Thai Peanut Curry. It's actually many questions, but I think it could lead to an interesting discussion.

Q: Do your parents eat at ethnic (meaning: not traditional American-style) restaurants? If so, what kind, and how did the change come about? If not, are you trying to expand their palates? How?

Wiki's Jucember

A: Native New Yorkers both, my parents grew up with the occasional ethnic meal, usually Italian or Irish. As they grew older, Chinese dishes crept into their diets, and nowadays, they're crazy about Thai food. I'd love to get them into Japanese or Indian, but my dad's aversion to curry and raw fish might prevent that from ever happening. This has translated somewhat into their homecooking, mostly through Italian- and Chinese-style dishes.

So, what about you guys?

Note: I'd like to focus specifically on parents, and/or people whose eating styles have been entrenched for a few decades. Might turn the responses into tomorrow's post...

Want to ask the interweb a question? Post one in the comment section, or write to Cheaphealthygood@gmail.com. Then, tune in next Tuesday for an answer/several answers from the good people of the World Wide Net.

Eggplant and White Bean Soup, Alanis, and Me

2011-05-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

In the autumn of 1996, I heard Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” approximately 12,457,233 times.

(In the years following, the only tunes that came close to that number were the Goo Goo Dolls “Iris,” “Smooth” by Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas, and that godawful Nickelback song that you couldn’t escape if you blew off your ears, stuffed socks in the resulting head wounds, and then set those socks on fire.)

Like every other not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman at the close of the 20th century, Alanis appealed greatly to me. Her voice was rockin’, her hair was pretty, and I totally let it pass when she mistook irony for sheer bad luck. But even I, a headstrong Labatt’s lover who listened to the first track from Jagged Little Pill as if it held all the secrets of the universe, grew tired of Alanis after awhile. It wasn’t anything she did. It was just … her songs, though strong, were mercilessly overplayed. It got so bad that my friends would switch the radio station when “You Oughta Know” came on, because – really? Dave Coulier? In a theater? Cut. It. Out.

Time passed. I graduated, got a job, started dating this guy. Several guys, even.

And then, years later, right around the time she released her cover of Black-Eyed Peas “My Humps” (a song surely co-written by Satan), I got to digging Alanis again. Like an old friend who had gone away to grad school in Saskatchewan, it was really nice to see her happy, not to mention gleefully taking the piss out of herself. Plus, I don’t think I had heard “Ironic” in about a year, so that helped.

Eggplant is like Alanis.

Hear me out here. About two years ago, it seemed as if every other recipe I tried involved eggplant. Its versatility and low cost were tremendously appealing, as was the idea that it could actually taste good. An eggplant hater early in life, I discovered its purple majesty far too late, and wanted to make up for lost time. After awhile, though, I started getting a little sick of the vegetable, and as a result, didn't go near it – in any form – for months and months.

Then, last week, this recipe for Eggplant and White Bean Soup appeared at stonesoup. Eggplants aren’t quite in season in the U.S., but that creamy, fibery, deeply flavored-looking concoction was just too tempting.

So, I made it last night, following Jules’ original recipe fairly closely, with one big exception: Instead of using the bean juice for the soup broth, I subbed in chicken stock. Not having tasted the bean juice version, I can’t definitively say the stock variation is better, but it was dang good. Dang good. Like, Alanis-good. And with it, I've arrived back in Eggplantville.

Isn't it ironic?

~~~

If you like this, you’ll love:

~~~

Eggplant and White Bean Soup
Serves 2 or 3
Adapted from stonesoup.

1 eggplant, sliced in half lengthwise
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 large onion, chopped
1 can cannelini or small white beans, drained and rinsed
3/4 cup chicken broth, plus another 3/4 cup set aside
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice

1) Heat oven to 425 degrees F. Line baking sheet with aluminum foil and spray with Pam. Place eggplant cut-side down on foil and bake 25-30 minutes, until eggplant is tender and a little browned on the exposed flesh. Remove from oven and set aside until cool enough to handle.

2) Meanwhile, heat oil in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and cook until soft and lightly browned, about 15 minutes. Add beans and 3/4 cup chicken broth. Bring to a boil and then simmer for 10 minutes.

3) Scrape insides of eggplant halves into bean mixture. Heat for 1 or 2 minutes. Using a hand blender or a regular blender, puree into desired consistency. (Be very careful if using a regular blender that it doesn’t splash.) Add more chicken broth if you’d like it soupier. Salt and pepper to taste. Stir in lemon juice and serve.

NOTE: This can easily be made into a vegetarian/vegan soup by using vegetable broth. Try it!

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price Per Serving
2 servings: 349 calories, 9.6 g fat, 20.4 g fiber, 19.6 g protein, $1.64
3 servings: 232 calories, 6.4 g fat, 13.6 g fiber, 13.1 g protein, $1.09

Calculations
1 eggplant: 132 calories, 1.1 g fat, 18.7 g fiber, 5.6 g protein, $1.26
1 tablespoon olive oil: 119 calories, 13.5 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.10
1/2 large onion, chopped: 32 calories, 0 g fat, 1 g fiber, 0.7 g protein, $0.25
1 can cannelini or small white beans: 385 calories, 0 g fat, 21 g fiber, 28 g protein, $0.79
3/4 cup chicken broth, plus another 3/4 cup set aside: 25 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, 4.9 g protein, $0.60
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper: negligible calories, fat, fiber, and price, $0.02
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice: 4 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.25
TOTAL: 697 calories, 19.1 g fat, 40.7 g fiber, 39.2 g protein, $3.27
PER SERVING (TOTAL/2): 349 calories, 9.6 g fat, 20.4 g fiber, 19.6 g protein, $1.64
PER SERVING (TOTAL/3): 232 calories, 6.4 g fat, 13.6 g fiber, 13.1 g protein, $1.09

Saturday Throwback: Overcoming Your Cooking Obstacles

2011-05-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday, we post a piece from the CHG archives. This one comes from May 2009.

When it comes to eating healthier and saving money on food, we’ve established time and time again that few strategies are more effective than cooking at home. Making meals in your own kitchen gives you total control over nutrition, flavor, ingredient quality, and expenditures, among other things. Plus, making a mess with flour is fun.

Still, for many, home cooking is nigh inconceivable. Maybe you work 80 hours a week, and can’t find 20 minutes to make a sandwich. Maybe you live in New York’s East Village, where your apartment galley doubles as your bathroom and your bedroom. Maybe you never learned to cook, and are afraid of blowing $10 on a chicken, then charring it beyond recognition.

Fortunately, we here at the CHG laboratory (translation: my bathroom) have the answer.

First, we isolated a handful factors that most affect peoples’ ability to fire up their own stoves. They are: time, space (in the capacity sense, not the extraterrestrial sense), inexperience, fear of failure, and The Damn Dishes. More than anything else, these five elements drive the average folk to takeout, restaurants, and pilfering fruit from sweet old ladies.

Then, drawing from extensive research and our own experiences, we brainstormed tips and tricks to combat these hindrances. Without further ado, here's everything.

TIME

The problem, defined: Since it’s a thrice-daily activity, cooking can be a total time suck. And if you have children, a demanding job, or stuff to do, it’s difficult blocking an hour or two per day for food prep. Consider this: in the 1950s, Americans (read: women) spent about 20 hours a week in the kitchen. Today, it’s less than six.

The solution, explained: Prioritizing cooking isn’t a full-throttle, 0-to-60 overnight deal. It’s a habit developed gradually, and you have to give yourself some leeway. So, start small. Eat breakfast at home everyday for a week, or take 20 minutes to make a basic, from-scratch meal. Try bringing lunch to work. Force yourself to sit down, at your table, and drink a full cup of coffee. Eat in your kitchen instead of in front of your television. Find three or four easy recipes, and cook all your food for the week on a Sunday. Enlist help from the kids/husband/erstwhile in-laws. Again: take baby steps, and don't forget to give yourself a break. With a few months and constant reinforcement, that hour-a-day will start to come naturally.

SPACE

The problem, defined: Your place has exactly enough room for you, your roommate from Albania, and the dust bunnies you’re raising together as common law spouses. There’s no space for a box of cereal, never mind a 12-piece set of Calphalon.

The solution, explained: You’re already starting small, so that advice is out the window (if, in fact, you have a window). Instead, think big. Where else can you store food, besides your refrigerator and/or cabinet(s)? Is there room under your bed? On top of the microwave? Under the table? Can you install shelving over doorways? Are there Lazy Susans or mini-shelving you can cram under your sink? Check Apartment Therapy’s Smallest Coolest contest for creative ideas, and always remember: IKEA is your friend. For more, check Frugal Storage Solutions for the Small Kitchen, a CHG post from November 2008.

INEXPERIENCE

The problem, defined: When it comes to cooking, there are fetuses with more wherewithal. At least they know what to do with leftovers.

The solution, explained: Remember: everybody has to start somewhere. If you don’t know a scallop from a shallot, that’s fine. No one’s evaluating you. Don’t be afraid to experiment and play, and know that you’ll foul up on occasion, sometimes monumentally. Picking up a simple cookbook always helps (suggestions: any Betty Crocker tome, How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman, How to Boil Water by Food Network), as do basic recipe sites (AllRecipes, Food Blog Search, etc.), beginners’ TV shows (Everyday Italian, etc.) and fun magazines (Everyday Food, etc.). If you know a good cook, take some time to watch them work. Because if he/she can do it, so can you.

FEAR OF FAILURE

The problem, defined: You buy the finest ingredients. You have all the cooking equipment you possibly need. You’ve watched hour after hour of Julia Child spatchcocking … whatever it is that can be spatchcocked. Still, everything you make ranges in quality from suck to blow. Why waste all that money and time if you know it’s going to be terrible?

The solution, explained: From Eric Ripert to your great-grandma Mary Sue, all chefs have had disasters, often repeatedly. While prompting you to “Suck it up and get back in the game, champ!” is clichéd and glib, there’s some truth to its underlying optimism. You’ll never get any better if you don’t learn from mistakes (your numerous, calamitous mistakes). If you’re concerned about cost, practice your technique on lower-priced ingredients with Craigslist-caliber cookware (and keep a few inexpensive insta-meals around for backup). Don’t forget to read recipes several times and taste your creations as you prepare them. It’ll save you from undersalting or overcooking. Finally, if you can find one, make a loved one your personal guinea pig. Eventually, as you get better, he/she will reap the culinary rewards. Now suck it up and get back in the game, champ!

THE DAMN DISHES

The problem, defined: After 18 roommates and nine apartments spread over 13 years, I’m secretly convinced that 95% of cooking blocks come from one thing: nobody (me included) wants to do The Damn Dishes. Time-consuming and the total opposite of fun, they’re a pain in the tuchus for all involved. In college, I knew a guy who would leave his Damn Dishes in the sink for DAYS, until his roommates couldn’t take it anymore, surrendered, and washed them. Also - cooking shows and cookbooks NEVER, EVER consider The Damn Dishes when they’re telling you how to make food. I love Ina Garten, but if I ever saw her wash a Damn Dish on Barefoot Contessa, I’d drop dead.

The solution, explained: If you don’t have a dishwasher, I feel your pain. An already-tedious task becomes more difficult when it’s compounded by Whirlpool envy. Starting out with simple, one-pot meals can alleviate this somewhat, as can concentrating on cold salads and sandwiches, which naturally involve fewer dishes. You could also choose one day per week to do all your cooking, which condenses the dishwashing into a half-hour or so. If all else fails, try setting up a system with your roommate/family/Husband-Elect, wherein you do the cooking and he/she/they does/do the dishes. You’ll eat well and avoid dishpan hands.

If you DO have a dishwasher … use it. Lucky dog.

And that’s our ballgame, sweet readers. If you have any suggestions or ideas, please fire away in the comment section. We’re waiting for your call!

~~~

If you enjoyed this article, you might also dig:

Veggie Might: Farm Tourist

2011-05-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

Written by the fabulous Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about all things Vegetarian.

Spring makes me want to dig in the dirt and make green things grow. I begin to picture a fire escape container garden with trellising bean vines and hanging tomato plants. But two things prevent me from making this yearly urban-farming fantasy a reality: my tiny New York City apartment gets no direct sunlight, and I’m terribly absentminded. So I water my low-light houseplants and leave the food growing to the pros.

Plus, the best part about buying fresh produce is chatting up the farmers at the farmers’ market. My neighborhood market draws the same group of upstate New York and eastern Pennsylvania farmers every year, and they become a part of our community. The Morgiewicz family supplies the majority of my vegetables from April through Thanksgiving, and the folks Breezy Hill Orchard from rock the best stone fruit I’ve ever put in a pie.

But even that can’t beat spending a day on a farm, seeing firsthand where your food comes from. Such was my weekend when I trekked south for the 16th Annual Piedmont Farm Tour sponsored by Carolina Farm Stewardship Association in April. The tour brought together 40 farms across Orange, Alamance, and Chatham counties in central North Carolina, on the eastern edge of the state’s Piedmont region.

Accompanied by my best friend Angela and her hubby Jesse, who live in Pittsboro, in Chatham county, my boyfriend CB and I got to take a peek at four farms in two days despite thunderstorms and tornadoes. We met farmers and talked to sustainable agriculture enthusiasts; we dined at restaurants that served locally sourced produce, dairy, and meats; we made friends with a few animals; and we marvelled at compost—twice.

Our first stop on Saturday was Harland’s Creek Farm in Pittsboro, a certified organic farm that produces flowers, vegetables, herbs, and pastured poultry. Harland’s Creek provided a tour brochure so guests could wander the grounds at their leisure.

Their flowers and herbs are grown in a formal parterre garden of raised, geometrically shaped beds, which reminded me of photographs of English country estates. The stunning historic farmhouse added to the illusion. As we pinched off tiny bits of herbs to smell and taste for identification (fennel and lemon balm or was that lemon verbena?), CB made fast friends with a pair of cats. It would be a recurring theme for the weekend.

Next up was Aryshire Farm, also in Pittsboro, which we visited after waiting out the thunderstorms. We were lucky to be farmer Bill Dow’s last tour of the day, and gratefully slogged through red clay mud to see and hear about his certified organic pear, apple, and peach orchard, blueberry bushes, and vegetable terraces. About halfway through the tour, we were joined by a group of beer-drinking senior citizens who enjoyed themselves as much as we did, but perhaps for different reasons.

Dow grows primarily lettuces and greens for local restaurants, working directly with chefs to produce the produce they want. "I'd never heard of rapini before I started growing it," he quipped. Rapini, mizuna, arugula…he plants what they serve.

He also asks the chefs who visit his farm to bring their waitstaff with them, since as he puts it, "They're the ones talking to the people who eat the food."

Dow explained how he prevents erosion and conserves water on farm. By building terraces on the gently sloping land, water that would normally wash down the hillside is trapped and used by the plants at each level. And he distributes organic fertilizer (manure and compost) from the back of a beat-up old pick up truck that it is the envy of teenagers county-wide.

In late fall, he plants cover crops, like red clover, that are turned into live mulch in the spring. He pointed to the clover tops that were just starting to turn pink explaining that they were most nitrogen-rich and ready to be turned. He then walked over to a small three-sided shed, that housed a small tractor, hand tools, ropes, and buckets. He pulled out a garden hoe, much like one you might use in your backyard garden, except the handle was nearly as long as he was tall.

“The Dutch are better than us in two things: art and gardening.” He then demonstrated that with this Dutch-made, long-handled implement, you could turn the soil or break up weeds without stooping and hurting your back. He offered the hoe for one of our party to try. She passed her brewski to her husband and marveled at its ease of use.

As the tour wrapped, Dow’s dog Kate joined our posse and made fast-friends with CB. She followed him back to the car where we said our goodbyes, but not before Dow offered us a terrace for lease. The four of us looked at each other in contemplation. CB and I quickly said no; but I suspect we may be hearing about Angela and Jesse’s farm-fresh rapini in seasons to come.

Sunday, we set out for central Orange County to visit Avillion Farm, a fiber farm in the small Orange County burg of Efland. A fiber farm raises sheep, goats, and/or rabbits for their fleece which is spun into yarn or thread for knitting, weaving, crocheting, and countless other fiber arts. I’m a knitter/stitcher, so I just had to see the fuzzy animals, which Avillion had in abundance: adorable sheep, goats, and bunnies at every turn. More friends for CB.

Another self-guided tour, we learned from posted signs that, while Shetland sheep and Angora rabbits produce Shetland and Angora wool respectively, Angora goats produce mohair. We also saw a demonstration of vermicomposting of the rabbit poo and cleaned up at a homemade foot-powered hand washing station made of recycled water cooler jugs. It was well worth the hour drive north, and I managed to avoid spending my life’s savings on yarn.

With daylight on our side, we made one last stop: at McAdam’s Farm, also in Efland. A former tobacco farm, McAdams is a conventional farm that produces strawberries, flowers, produce, and raises beef cattle. Howard McAdams is the fourth generation of his family to work the land, making the switch from tobacco in 2000.

McAdams took us on a tour of his produce and strawberry fields, explaining just how labor intensive a crop of strawberries can be. Depending on soil quality and climate, the planting window can be as little as a week, and they must be replanted every year to ensure a healthy, productive crop.

Compared to blueberries, which are mostly at eye-level, strawberries are close to the ground; so harvesting is backbreaking work. That explains the popularity, among farmers at least, of pick-your-own strawberry patches, and why berries come at such a premium.

McAdams uses conventional farming methods, like black and white plastic mulch, along with chemical herbicides and pesticides to keep unwanted plants and critters at bay, and commercial fertilizers to enrich the sandy, coarse soil. He explained, laughing, that his land, unlike much of the surrounding rich red clay was great for tobacco but not that great for vegetables.

Angela made this trip an extra special experience. She is not just my best friend since high school; she is also an incredibly active member of the vibrant sustainable agriculture community of Chatham County. She is the manager of the Pittsboro Farmers’ Market and has been a champion of organic, local food since I can remember.

She asked so many great questions of the farmers, showed us the organic student farm used by the Sustainable Ag program at Central Carolina Community College, and took us for some amazing local fare. Every restaurant we visited, even the greasy-spoon diner and the burgers-and-fries sports bar, boasted local produce, meats, and dairy products.

A stand out was the Saxapahaw General Store in the tiny former-mill-village of Saxapahaw, in Alamance county. A combination restaurant/biofuel gas station, it’s a green oasis where you can fill up your converted minivan with cooking grease and your belly with maybe the best mac and cheese ever to pass these teeth.

In the weeks since my return to the big city, I’ve been thinking about the cost of food, particularly conventional versus organic produce, and I think I get it even more than I did before. Neither are easy to cultivate, and both are subject to the whims of weather, pests, and proper planning. In two days I saw vastly different farming methods in action and met the hard-working people behind them. It was suddenly plain to me why, organic or not, berries are so very expensive, and why organic produce comes at such a premium. Hearing Dow describe spreading manure from the back of a pick up truck with a shovel made me laugh in the moment—as CB said, “I’ve never met an unfunny farmer,”—but now I realize just what it means.

Farming takes commitment and passion, no matter what the scale. Dow is connected to his crops—he knows every plant and tree—and his reward is great, though his output is smaller than a conventional farm. McAdams takes a more business-like approach to his farm, focusing on the big picture of managing a mid-sized operation, and he clearly takes pride in carrying on his family’s legacy.

I’ll also remember how much time and sweat and pollen goes into raising food the next time I start planning my imaginary kitchen garden. This was one of the most eye-opening and delightful trips I’ve ever taken to my home state. My only regret is that I don't have a picture of farmer Dow showing off his superior Dutch hoe.

~~~~

If this flight tickled your fancy, flutter this way:

Frugal Décor: Fabric Wall Panels

2011-05-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

We interrupt this regularly scheduled food blog to bring you a frugal art project. (It will be my first and last. I promise.)

When HOTUS and I moved back in December, we were confronted with a perplexing decorative dilemma: an imposingly bare 12-foot wall in our main room. The Beige Monster dwarfed our posters and photos, and buying a gigantic mirror/painting/whatever was prohibitively expensive. To make matters worse, we weren't allowed to paint the wall, or hang anything from it that would require an anchor or excessive reinforcement, making sconces and funky sculptural stuff out of the question. (Yep, #whitegirlproblems. Perhaps the #whitestgirlproblems.)

So, I started Googling solutions, and in short order, came upon this post at Bella Dia. Cute, inexpensive, and infinitely customizable, fabric wall panels seemed like a most excellent solution to our problem. Best of all, they could be completed in 90 minutes, and didn't seem to pose an enormous problem for someone who thinks "damask" is a country in Eastern Europe. (Meaning: me.)

These are my results:

Cute, right? Not bad for someone who finds macaroni necklaces too complicated. If you're interested, here's how the process went down, and how you might be able to create a similar set of panels. (Remember: This is a fool-proof project. I know, because I am that fool.)

First, you have to measure out your wall, and kind of imagine what size canvasses will fit well in the space. (You can also draw a graph, which is what HOTUS did.) While 18x22-inchers were perfect for our 12-foot wall, yours may differ.

Then, hit the stores. If your wall is like ours, you'll need:

Four 18x24-inch wood-frame paint canvasses
Four 22x28-inch bolts of your favorite fabrics (bigger is good, too)
A staple gun and staples
Measuring tape
A pencil
A hammer
Four nails
Brute strength

The cloth was a little pricey, since we headed to Zarin Fabrics (of Real Housewives fame). BUT BUT BUT. I got all four canvasses at Michael's for under $20, total. They came in packs of two, which was nice.

As for the staple gun, an old-school metal one worked best. Word of caution, though: After awhile, that thing is rough on your hands. Wear gloves if you have 'em.

Once everything is procured, it's time to start stapling. Lay a bolt of fabric pattern-side-down on a big surface, like a kitchen table. Then, lay a frame canvas-side down on top of it.

Pick a corner and fold the fabric up over the back of the frame, like you see in this picture. Then, staple it to the wood.

Do the same with the remaining three corners, taking care to keep your fabric straight in the front. If your cloth is striped or patterned, you want it to appear perfectly situated.

Once your corners are done, staple the fabric along each side of the back of the frame, so that it's pulled taut. Then, flip the whole thing over and gander at your handiwork. It should look something like this:

Continue with the remaining frames and fabrics until everything is completed.

Finally, using your pencil, measuring tape, hammer, and nails, position and hang your fabric panels on your wall. You may want 'em spaced evenly or spread out all fun-like. Really, it's up to you. To review, we did this:

And that, sweet readers, is the ballgame. Next stop: figuring out how to cover our fuse box.

Do you have a favorite decor solution? Do tell.

~~~

If you liked this, you'll really love:

CHG Best of April 2011

2011-05-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

What a month, what a month. We cooked a whole bunch, raised $200 for a lovely Rwandan girl's kitchen, and, with readers, figured out the best deals at both Trader Joe's and CostCo. Beers all around!

APRIL RECIPES
Artichoke Pesto Dip
Broccoli Almond Stir-Fry
Cilantro Pesto
Creamy, Cheezy, Smoky, Spicy Grits with Kale
Cranberry Bulgur Wheat Pilaf
Curried Pumpkin Hummus
Easy Meatballs
Sesame Snap Peas

APRIL ARTICLES

Jaime, a recent carnivore convert, discussed Easy Meatballs and an Ethical Quandary.

We collaborated with readers on The Best Deals at Big Box Stores: A Cheat Sheet, and then followed it up with The Best Deals at Trader Joe's: A Cheat Sheet.

Leigh meditated on Eating Thoughtfully and Gratefully.

Frugal Food Shopping: Hitting Up Multiple Stores discussed a hugely useful strategy in lowering your food budget.

Best of all, y'all pitched in for Help CHG Raise $200 for Aline’s Kitchen in Rwanda. Pics coming soon!

Oh yeah! Rounding out the month, we Asked the Internet about…

For more Cheap Healthy Goodness…

1) Have your say!
We love reading creative comments and participating in thought-provoking discussions. There’s even a fabulous new Ask the Internet column, where readers can write in with various inquiries and/or offer helpful suggestions. Sweet.

2) Spread the word!
Like us? Link to us! Refer us to a bookmarking site! (We have StumbleUpon and Digg buttons! Come to think of it, at some point, we should probably get Reddit, too.) Or just talk us up to your mom. That’s nice, too.

3) Behold our social networking!
Subscribe to our feed, join our Facebook page, or check out our Twitter … thing. They’re super fun ways to kill time, without any accompanying not-so-fresh feeling.

Ask the Internet: Where Do You Food Shop?

2011-05-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

To start, just a quick thing from yesterday: That quote I attributed to Mark Twain wasn't from him at all, but a paraphrased statement by Clarence Darrow. It's been amended.

With that aside, on to today's question!

Q: Over the last few weeks, we've discussed food shopping at Trader Joe's, CostCo, and multiple supermarkets. But I was curious: Where do you most frequently shop?

A: For me, in order of frequency, it's:

My local supermarket (once a week)
This family-owned produce tent around the block from where I work (once a week)
This family-owned bulk good store around the block from where I work (once every three weeks)
CostCo (once a month)
Trader Joe's (usually wine, occasionally party foods)
This butcher around the block (rare)

Also, I hit up farmer's markets on occasion, when the weather is warmer. This has changed pretty often over the years.

How about you, sweet readers? Your answers will help us determine where to focus our blogging efforts from here on out. Fire away!

Want to ask the interweb a question? Post one in the comment section, or write to Cheaphealthygood@gmail.com. Then, tune in next Tuesday for an answer/several answers from the good people of the World Wide Net.

Open-Faced Sloppy Chicken Joes

2011-05-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

"I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

Well, that happened. Sometimes, when you're writing about barbecue sauce, other stuff goes down, and the barbecue sauce doesn't seem that important anymore. As a result, I'm going to keep this one a bit short today, and encourage y'all to watch this. Statesmanlike!

The recipe comes from The The $5 Dinner Mom Cookbook, a recipe tome based on Erin Chase’s excellent frugal cooking site. It’s a bit more family-and- (duh) dinner-oriented than this interweb destination, but absolutely worth a few hours of browsing/menu-planning/other stuff, especially if you’re just starting out in the wide world of Getting Your Grocery Bills Down.

The dish came out to $5.08, but I’ll chalk that extra $0.08 up to Brooklyn pricing and my snotty insistence on Grey Poupon. (If mustard can’t be passed to you through a Rolls Royce window by a stately gentleman wearing a bowler, what good is it? Harrumph harrumph.)

I did make two big changes to Erin’s original dish. First, I reduced the amount of red pepper flakes pretty drastically. A full teaspoon sounded like a lot for my particular face to handle, so down to 1/2 it went. If you’re into spicy things and/or feel like clearing out your sinuses, opt for the original prescription.

Second, I swapped out a bun for simple slices of whole wheat bread. Why? Only my hairdresser knows for sure. Though, how she obtained that information, I have no idea. My guess is it involved a hot curling iron and some thinly veiled threats.

Overall, the dish isn't quite something you'd serve to company, but it makes for a solid weeknight dinner. Thumbs up!

(Thanks to my friend B. for the Twain quote.)

~~~

If you like chicken and gettin’ sloppy, you’ll quite enjoy:

~~~

Open–Faced Sloppy Chicken Joes
Serves 4
Adapted from The $5 Dinner Mom Cookbook

1 can (15 ounces) tomato sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 1/2 pound boneless, skinless chicken breast, diced into 1/2-inch cubes
4 slices whole wheat bread, toasted

1) In a medium bowl, whisk together tomato sauce, sugar, mustard, vinegar, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes until thoroughly combined. Pour into a large, nonstick skillet and turn heat to medium. Add chicken. Cover. Cook until chicken is no longer pink, but still moist, about 8 to 12 minutes. If you’d like to reduce the sauce somewhat, remove the cover about 6 minutes in.

2) Spoon chicken on to toasted bread. Serve.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Price Per Serving
462 calories, 8.1 g fat, 4.8 g fiber, 58.3 g protein, $1.27

Calculations
1 can (15 ounces) tomato sauce: 147 calories, 0.9 g fat, 6.9 g fiber, 6.1 g protein, $1.39
3 tablespoons brown sugar: 156 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.08
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard: 15 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.14
2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar: 2 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, 0 g protein, $0.02
1/2 teaspoon salt: negligible calories, fat, fiber, and protein, $0.01
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper: 3 calories, 0 g fat, 0.3 g fiber, 0.1 g protein, $0.02
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes: negligible calories, fat, fiber, and protein, $0.03
1 1/2 pound boneless, skinless chicken breast, diced into 1/2-inch cubes: 1123 calories, 24.5 g fat, 0 g fiber, 211.1 g protein, $2.97
4 slices whole wheat bread, toasted: 400 calories, 8 g fat, 12 g fiber, 16 g protein, $0.42
TOTAL: 1846 calories, 32.5 g fat, 19.2 g fiber, 233.3 g protein, $5.08
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 462 calories, 8.1 g fat, 4.8 g fiber, 58.3 g protein, $1.27

Saturday Throwback: Cheap, Healthy Asparagus - 81 Recipes for the Springiest of Spring Vegetables

2011-04-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday, we post a piece from the CHG archives. This one comes from April 2010.

Despite the snow that fell in Syracuse yesterday, spring is pretty much upon us. And along with the warming sun and astronomical pollen count comes that earliest of vegetable bloomers, asparagus.

I don’t know about you guys, but during April and May, I buy as much asparagus as humanly possible. (Perhaps an exaggeration, but you catch my drift.) What's more, I’m always looking for different ways to prepare it. Because I loves me some roasted shoots, but after awhile, you know – variety, spice of life – all that jazz.

This may be coming a week or two early in some areas, but this compilation of 81 asparagus recipes should keep you in the culinary clear until next year. FYI, the criteria for each chosen dish were as follows:

It had to include inexpensive, easy-to-find ingredients.
It had to be healthy according to how we usually do it on this blog. Meaning: mostly made up of whole food ingredients, lower in fat and calories, high in vitamins in minerals, etc.
If it came from an aggregate recipe site (Cooking Light, All Recipes, etc.), it had to have had a high approval rating from reviewers. If it came from a food blog, I just trust it. We’re trustworthy people, see.
No Cream of Anything soup or mayonnaise. Because I hate them.

So, without further ado, here you go. If you have any other suggestions, or great recipes from your own blog, feel free to add ‘em in the comment section.

BREAKFAST

CHG: Asparagus, Mushroom and Parmesan Frittata: Basements and Breakfast

CHG: Roasted Asparagus with Poached Egg & Parmesan

Food Network: Asparagus, Canadian Bacon, and Cheese Frittata
Use egg whites for a lighter dish.

Kalyn’s Kitchen: Asparagus and Tomato Frittata with Havarti and Dill
Sub in a few egg whites and reduce the cheese for a lighter dish.

Kalyn’s Kitchen: Breakfast Casserole with Asparagus, Mushrooms, and Cheese
Sub in a few egg whites for a lighter dish.

Real Simple: Asparagus and Soft Eggs on Toast
Use four eggs and 1/3rd of the olive oil for a lighter meal

Real Simple: Asparagus Spinach Pancakes
Halve the oil (at least) and use a nonstick skillet.

MAINS – CARNIVORE

Eating Well: Chili-Rubbed Tilapia with Asparagus and Lemon

Eating Well: Wok-Seared Chicken Tenders with Asparagus and Pistachios

Everyday Food: Chicken and Asparagus Rolls

Everyday Food: Sauteed Chicken with Asparagus and Mushrooms

RecipeZaar: Thai Rice Noodles with Chicken and Asparagus

Simply Recipes: Flank Steak Stir Fry with Asparagus and Red Peppers

MAINS – VEGETARIAN

101 Cookbooks: Asparagus Stir-Fry

101 Cookbooks: In a Hurry Green Curry

All Recipes: Asparagus and Goat Cheese Quesadillas

All Recipes: Fresh Asparagus Risotto

Cooking Light: Chili-Glazed Tofu over Asparagus and Rice

Cooking Light: Lemon Risotto with Asparagus

Everyday Food: Grilled Pizzas with Asparagus and Sun-Dried Tomatoes
Use low-fat ricotta.

Everyday Food: Polenta Wedges with Asparagus and Mushrooms

FatFree Vegan Kitchen: Polenta with Lemony Asparagus and Chickpeas

RecipeZaar: Baked Asparagus Spinach Risotto

PASTA

CHG: Whole Wheat Pasta with Asparagus and Turkey Sausage

Cooking Light: Linguine with Asparagus, Parmesan, and Bacon

Cooking Light: Straw and Hay Alfredo with Roasted Asparagus

Eating Well: Creamy Asparagus Pasta

Everyday Food: Asparagus, Snap Pea, and Avocado Pasta

Everyday Food: Spaghetti with Shaved Asparagus

Real Simple: Pasta Salad with Asparagus and Lemon

SALADS - GRAINS

101 Cookbooks: Spring Tabbouleh
Reduce walnuts for a lighter dish.

101 Cookbooks: Ten-Minute Tasty Asparagus and Brown Rice
Add the dressing only as needed for a lighter dish.

All Recipes: Asparagus Cashew Rice Pilaf

All Recipes: Asparagus, Feta, and Couscous Salad

RecipeZaar: Asparagus Pilaf Rice

SALADS - VEGGIE

101 Cookbooks: Asparagus Salad

CHG: Chlorophyll and Awesomeness Salad

Epicurious: Asparagus and Mushroom Salad with Shaved Parmesan

Epicurious: Asparagus Salad with Sweet Balsamic Vinegar

Epicurious: Roasted Asparagus Salad with Tangerine Dressing

Kalyn’s Kitchen: Salad with Asparagus, Cherry Tomatoes, Kalamata Olives, and Feta
Ooo … this looks good.

RecipeZaar: Strawberry Asparagus Salad

SIDES

CHG: Roasted Asparagus with Balsamic Browned Butter

CHG: Roasted Asparagus and Chickpeas

CHG: Steamed Asparagus

All Recipes: Asian Asparagus Salad with Pecans

All Recipes: Asparagus with Parmesan Crust

All Recipes: Baked Asparagus with Balsamic Butter Sauce

All Recipes: Cold Asparagus with Prosciutto and Lemon

All Recipes: Grilled Soy Sesame Asparagus

All Recipes: Orange Glazed Asparagus

All Recipes: Sauteed Garlic Asparagus

Cooking Light: Steamed Asparagus with Lemon-Garlic Gremolata

Cooking Light: Asparagus and Sun-Dried Tomato Vinaigrette

Cooking Light: Mustard-Sauced Asparagus with Chopped Egg

Cooking Light: Spicy Roasted Potatoes and Asparagus

Eating Well: Asparagus with Curry Butter

Epicurious: Asparagus, Peas, and Basil

Epicurious: Proscuitto-Wrapped Asparagus with Mint Dressing

Everyday Food: Broccoli, Asparagus, and Snap Peas in Parchment

Everyday Food: Sauteed Scallions, Mushrooms, and Asparagus

FatFree Vegan Kitchen: Wasabi Roasted Asparagus

Food Network/Emeril: Garlic Roasted Asparagus

Kalyn’s Kitchen: Slow-Roasted Asparagus

Real Simple: Honey Lime Asparagus with Goat Cheese

Real Simple: Pan Roasted New Potatoes with Asparagus

RecipeZaar: Feta Asparagus

RecipeZaar: Foil Baked Asparagus

RecipeZaar: Guilt-Free Guacamole (Asparagus)

RecipeZaar: Ginger Sesame Asparagus

RecipeZaar: Roasted Asparagus with Sage and Lemon Butter

RecipeZaar: Sauteed Asparagus with Red Peppers and Olives

RecipeZaar: Sugared Asparagus

RecipeZaar: Apricot-Glazed Roasted Asparagus

RecipeZaar: Asparagus with Thyme

RecipeZaar: Asparagus Provencal

Stephen Cooks: Grilled Asparagus a la Sutherland

SOUPS

All Recipes: Fresh Asparagus Soup

RecipeZaar: Asparagus Orzo Soup

Simply Recipes: Creamy Asparagus Soup
Reduce some of the cream for a lighter soup.

Yum Sugar: Easy Cream-less Asparagus Soup

And that’s it. Any good recipes you know about, sweet readers? Add ‘em in the comments

~~~

If you like this article, you might also find the following pretty useful:

Veggie Might: Steamed Asparagus - Don't Gild The Lily Shoots

2011-04-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

Penned by the effervescent Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about the wide world of Vegetarianism. She says: Please delight in these darling lambs from Avillion Farm and my favorite asparagus "recipe" from an April 2009 visit to NC. Veggie Might will return with refreshing new content next Thursday.

Sometimes vegetables should just be left alone.

This past weekend, I spent three glorious days in the North Carolina sunshine with my best friend, A., and her husband and two-year-old. It was little C’s birthday, and I just couldn’t resist a circus-themed party.

Friday night before the big event, A. and I were fixing dinner: something light and fast before the hotdogs, cupcakes, and apple juice to come. A is the manager of the local farmer’s market in her area. One of the perks is first dibs on fresh produce while the farmers set up their stalls.

From her fridge, she pulled out a bundle of perfect, young asparagus stalks: the first of the season and the sweetest I’d ever tasted. We ate the thinnest stalks raw as we washed and snapped off the ends of the rest.

C toddled up and A. gave him a stalk. He took the asparagus and munched gleefully. I’ve never seen a kid eat vegetables like that. (I’ve also never typed the word “gleefully” before, but hey.)

“Sautee or steam?” A. asked.

“Steam,” I replied. It seemed like gilding the lily to put those perfect stems of green spring goodness in oil or butter. Turns out asparagus is a member of the lily family. Who knew? (Well, the people at that link and Mark Bittman.)

As you know, I’m a big fan of sautéing vegetables in garlic. How many recipes have I shared with that step? But even I know when to leave well enough alone.

A. seemed to know just how long to cook the asparagus, but I would have had to get help. I don’t trust myself for two reasons; I get impatient, and I get distracted.

I have no patience for standing over a pot of boiling water, even for a few minutes. After a minute has past, you can guarantee I will have wondered off like a two-year-old to see what else is going on, and then the veggies will have overcooked.

According to Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian, asparagus should be boiled in a skillet or steamed in a pan with just a bit of water at the bottom “just until the thick part of the stalk can be pierced with a knife.” Well, just how long is that? It depends on how much you’re cooking, of course. In our case, a bunch of about 20 stalks took 3 minutes to steam. A set a timer which let us wander guilt-free.

They were perfect: tender, slightly crunchy, vibrantly green. I know that, classically, asparagus is served with hollandaise or mayonnaise, but I’ve never understood why. Who thought to drench something so light and delicious with such heavy sauces?

We didn’t even think to salt our Carolina-grown spring bounty. If A. salted the water, I didn’t notice.

Our supper of fresh-from-the-farm veggies was one of the easiest and best meals I’ve eaten in a while. It reminded me that, sometimes, it’s best to let food be itself.

Steamed Asparagus
Serves 3 – 4

20 asparagus stalks
1/2 cup of water

1) Wash asparagus and break off woody ends.

2) Put water in sauce pan. Put asparagus in steamer basket or bamboo steamer and place over sauce pan. (You can also use the Mark Bittman methods above.)

3) Bring water to boil.

4) Steam for approximately 3 minutes or until thick ends of stalks are tender.

5) Dress as desired or eat plain. Plain is good. Really good.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price* per Serving
Four servings: 15 calories, .1g fat, $.37
Three servings: 20 calories, .13g fat, $.50

Calculations
Asparagus: 60 calories, .4g fat, $1.50
TOTAL: 60 calories, .4g fat, $1.50
PER SERVING (TOTAL/4): 15 calories, .1g fat, $.37
PER SERVING (TOTAL/3): 20 calories, .13g fat, $.50

*Price is from my local market.

Cheap Healthy Good

Why Weight Maintenance is Harder Than Weight Loss, and How to Help it Along

Dijon-Roasted Potatoes PLUS Sweet Potato and Chickpea Puree: Two Recipes for the Price of One

Vintage Cookbook Hoedown: The Quick Cookbook (1961) by Lois S. Kellogg

Tomato and Avocado Salsa: A Basic Salsa Recipe of Deliciousness

Egg McMuffins for Homeskillets

Welcome to CHG: A Quick Overview

19-Hour Food Network Running Diary: The Whole Thing and Various Conclusions

2 Oatmeal Recipes and the Ultimate Oatmeal Personality Quiz

38 Cheap, Healthy Recipes for Thanksgiving Leftovers

For Those About to Gestate, We Salute You

Apple Hacks: 39 Apple Recipes, Games, Activities, and Crafts

that thing i'm writing

My Dinner with Aline

I Made Bread! It Was Easy. You Can Too.

Little Expense, Big Savings: What's Your Favorite Frugal Buy?

Why and How to Freeze Blueberries

Throwback: 68 Cheap, Healthy No-Cook Recipes

Break

Veggie Might: Wild Rice Salad with Edamame (or Fresh Fava Beans and Three Hours)

Dietary Restrictions 101, Part II: Macrobiotics, Locavorism, and More

Dietary Restrictions 101, Part I: Allergies, Diabetes, and Beyond

Ask the Internet: Dealing With Food Allergies?

Peanut Dipping Sauce: Allergies Unwelcome

Wayback Machine: Chocolate Cherry "Ice Cream" Popsicles

Wayback Machine: Spaghetti Squash Casserole

Wayback Machine: Light Chicken and Mushroom Marsala

Wayback Machine: Bruschetta Chicken Bake

Wayback Machine: Baked Apples

Wayback Machine: Spring Soup, So Many Ways

Wayback Machine: Oh, My Sweet Lassi

Wayback Machine: Sublime Fruit Salad with Mint

Wayback Machine: Strawberry Rhubarb Crisp - A Multiple Choice Quiz

Wayback Machine: Easy Vegetarian Bean Chili - A Play in Two Acts

Wayback Machine: Roasted Chickpeas - Right Way, Wrong Way

Playin' Hooky

5 Ways to Get Your Parents (Or Anyone, Really) to Try New Foods

Green Kitchen: The Cheap Healthy Guide to Canned Tuna for the Planet and Your Mouth (or Something)

Ask the Internet: Parents and Ethnic Food

Eggplant and White Bean Soup, Alanis, and Me

Saturday Throwback: Overcoming Your Cooking Obstacles

Top Ten Links of the Week: 4/29/11 - 5/4/11

Veggie Might: Farm Tourist

Frugal Décor: Fabric Wall Panels

CHG Best of April 2011

Ask the Internet: Where Do You Food Shop?

Open-Faced Sloppy Chicken Joes

Saturday Throwback: Cheap, Healthy Asparagus - 81 Recipes for the Springiest of Spring Vegetables

Top Ten Links of the Week: 4/22/11 - 4/28/11

Veggie Might: Steamed Asparagus - Don't Gild The Lily Shoots